I have so many questions rolling around in my head at the moment. And why is it that it is so hard for me to write when I have questions? I think this might be producing in me a (bad) habit of only writing when I feel I have everything figured out. (And of course I will never have everything figured out.) I need to learn to set aside my fears of disagreement and simply state what is on my mind, regardless of whether or not I think this person or that person will agree with me. Disagreement isn't always a bad thing. Me finding out I'm wrong isn't a bad thing. God can use any and all communication to accomplish His purposes, and I need to trust Him and trust that He can maintain my inner joy and peace despite outer circumstances.
A lot of my questions right now have to do with the word - as well as the institution - of church. I really wish that word didn't scare me so much, but I know it's a process I need to go through. And despite my fear and confusion and desire to have everything figured out right now, I know that God is faithful, and He'll lead me where I need to go. Not only that, He'll get me there when I need to get there, and He'll bring people into my life who can walk along side me as we both grow in wisdom and knowledge and love.
You, my dear friend, (you know who you are,) you are one of these people, and I think this is likely one of the reasons God has brought you into my life. Thank you for your friendship and understanding, and for challenging me while still always accepting me for who I am. In response to your most recent blog post, all is forgiven, though the thing that encourages me the most is what you are learning about being able to accept and forgive yourself despite being mad at yourself. That's a tendency I struggle with greatly as well; it's so easy to beat ourselves down when we sin, forgetting for a few moments who we are in Christ: completely accepted in Him. Does He want us to overcome our weaknesses? Of course, and that takes acknowledgment of them on our part, but the overcoming is only possible through His strength. I know that as long as I refuse to forgive myself, or I continue to dwell on my own weaknesses, what I'm doing is focusing on my own lack of strength, instead of on His capability to accomplish His perfect will through His own complete strength.
You remind me of His promises everyday, every time we talk. You show me God's love through your acceptance and caring heart. Thank you.