So...I haven't really been much up to writing lately. Those of you who have commented on previous posts, thank you very much for stopping by, I'll be responding soon.
I just need to post a few thoughts right now so I'll be able to sleep tonight.
To be honest, I'm feeling quite disgusted with myself at the moment, and it's not a very nice feeling. Did I do anything really horrible? Well...I guess not. Nothing that would raise anyone's eyebrows in particular, but a lot of little failures all added together and put under the glaring light is still a big mess that needs to be sorted through. And the fact that I haven't let myself do this for a really long time of course means the pile is a lot bigger now than it needs to be.
Now combine all this with the worry and anxiety, hurt and rejection I have been feeling lately, and of course the love I carry for so many people that at times I feel like my heart will burst. And this love is quite a conundrum in itself, because how much of it is really love? I'm pretty sure that most of it is just selfish gratitude on my part towards people who fulfill some sort of need in me. If this is the case, how do I know what real love is? And no, I'm not talking about the romantic sort, just the love I so desperately want to have for as many people as possible, because I want to be a channel of the love God has for me. But I'm learning more and more just how selfish I really am, because always in the back of my mind, even if I don't realize it, is a whisper of the question of what I could get out of the situation.
And yes, I know I'm pouting.
Just one more thought, before I drive myself crazy with circling, unending questions. Talking to my stepmom tonight, she told me something I've heard her and my dad talk about before. They both love each other unconditionally, loving both their strengths and weaknesses, because both things makes them who they are. But it doesn't stop there. She said something that I'm still trying to figure out, and I'm not really sure what to make of it. Not that I don't agree with it, but I cannot figure out for the life of me how one is supposed to go about it. A big part of unconditional love is not just acceptance, but in protecting the other person in their weaknesses. Not protecting their weakness, but protecting them IN their weakness. What exactly does this mean? How would it change my relationships with people? And most importantly, what is God trying to teach me in an attempt to draw me closer to Him?