New Website

So, it's been a while since I utilized this blog on a regular basis.

I have been doing a lot of writing in my private journals, but I just haven't felt comfortable coming back to post a lot of it here. This blog is such an important part of my history, and I don't want to delete it, but I also knew I needed a fresh start.

So, I've started a new blog at www.withinthediscord.com - if you would like to continue to read my writings and follow me there please feel free to do so; a lot of my first posts are going to be reflections on some of the posts I made in the first year I had this blog (especially the more popular ones).

I have turned off the comments on this blog as well, as I'm just not going to be coming back here to engage at all going forward.

Thank you for reading - see you in the netosphere.

Wrestling with Substitionary Atonement

It has been 2,029 days since I last published a blog post.

Over this year, 2016, I have had so many post ideas bouncing around in my head, and I even started several on paper before I lost the need to get them out of my head. I know that I am a better person when I write regularly though, especially if I hold myself to developing it as a habit, and even more so when I am sharing thoughts with others through my blog, rather than just keeping all my thoughts to myself. (Or just bursting the thoughts out in random, disjointed sentences on Facebook or Twitter when I just can't keep them bottled up anymore inside.)

I have a lot of writing in me that I want to get out over the coming weeks, months, and (hopefully) years, but here's what I have for now. I was having a conversation with some friends in a private Facebook group recently about Penal Substitionary Atonement, and the following are my current thoughts on the issue.

I'm a highly sensitive person, so thinking about the pain Jesus experienced in the cross often moved me to tears when I was growing up, but the phrase "Jesus died for your sins" for some reason always rang hollow. I couldn't connect to that concept emotionally, except through guilt and shame.

I was taught that Jesus' death and his blood literally washed my sins away. But also (talk about mixed metaphors) that my sin was a literal, real - although spiritual - barrier that separated me from God; that it was literally impossible for me to have a relationship with God because my sin was something He was not capable of being in the presence of because of His holiness. (And yet, He was also omnipotent.)

I was taught that somehow Jesus' death made a bridge over/crashed a hole through that sin barrier, so now I had the OPTION of crossing over/through to salvation and a relationship with God. (By faith alone in Christ alone, of course.)

The more I've thought about it, the more "magical" it's seemed to me; the more that what he did was a spell that undid some supernatural hold of sin on my soul, keeping me from being truly alive. I'm not denying the existence of the supernatural, but in this instance it just didn't make sense. I'm not sure I can adequately explain why right now. I never got a satisfactory answer as to how his death, his blood, did what I was told it did. The closest I got was because of God's absolute holiness, God couldn't make the choice to forgive our sin until it was paid; either paid by our eternal suffering in hell/the lake of fire, or by the ultimate sacrifice (God paying for our sin Himself through the death of His Son).

I can't believe in that kind of God anymore though-I can't accept substitutionary atonement. It leads me to conclude, maybe Jesus' death wasn't necessary after all in order for us to have a relationship with God? I don't know.... I'm still really confused. This is something that I'll probably keep thinking and writing about for a while.

Mr. and Mrs. Mark Driscoll's Opinion on Stay-at-Home Dads - 1 Timothy 5:8

Before I make any comments regarding the content of the above video, I should be honest and state that I already disliked Mark Driscoll before seeing this video. (Just look at the book I have advertised on my sidebar, and you'll understand why. If you don't, Google "Mark Driscoll and The Shack". If you love, or even just liked the book The Shack , beware, if you watch Mark Driscoll's video on how The Shack is a "modern day heresy" it will probably make you angry. I made it to 1 minute 13 seconds and had to stop because I wanted to punch something.)

Now that I've been honest and given the disclaimer regarding my already existing problems with Mark Driscoll, let me say that I wasn't more than a minute into this video and I wanted to scream.

In case you are reading this without watching the clip first, Mr. and Mrs. Driscoll are responding to a question asking them their opinion on stay-at-home dads. The verse they reference most often in this clip is 1 Timothy 5:8. In the New King James the verse is "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel."

I'm not sure which translation the Driscoll's are using, but he recites the verse as "If any man does not provide for the needs of his family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

Here are a variety of translations and one paraphrase of the same verse:

In the New Revised Standard: "And whoever does not provide for relatives, and especially for family members, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

In the NIV: "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

In the New Living: "But those who won't care for their own relatives, especially those living in the same household, have denied what we believe. Such people are worse than unbelievers."

In the New American Standard: "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

And in The Message: "Anyone who neglects to care for family members in need repudiates the faith. That's worse than refusing to believe in the first place."

If anyone can point out to me which translation Mark Driscoll used here, I would really appreciate knowing, as I couldn't find it at studylight.org.

Before I examine the way I believe he has misquoted and misapplied this portion of Scripture however, let's just examine his version alone. "Any man who denies the needs of his family....."

What are the needs of a family? Mr. and Mrs. Driscoll seem to be presenting this verse as if the only needs a husband and father is responsible for are the financial ones.

Yes, they acknowledge that he is "part of the equation" when it comes to the rest of the aspects of family life, but the only thing that is his responsibility is making sure that his family is taken care of financially.

I disagree that that is the only responsibility that God has placed on the shoulders of fathers and husbands. A husband is responsible for loving his wife, as Christ has loved the church. A father is responsible to his children to raise them and not "provoke them to wrath". And what about all those verses in Proverbs written from a father to his son? I don't think that father believed his only responsibility to his children was financial.

I don't think Mark Driscoll believes that either, but in order for his argument to make sense, that is what this verse would have to mean. It's the father and husband's job to make sure the family is financially stable, and it's the wife and mother's job to make sure the family is emotionally stable. I don't disagree with everything the Driscoll's state in this clip, I completely agree that it is a huge responsibility and incredible honor to raise "the next generation" as she put it. But why is that only the mother's job? If the husband and wife are equal, as Mark Driscoll states, the raising of the children is the responsibility and honor of both!

If a father decides God has called him to stay at home with his children while his wife works, that doesn't mean he is denying the needs of his family, it just means God has called him to be responsible for needs other than ones that are financial.

(As far as women staying at home versus working outside of it, that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish and one I don't want to touch on too much right now, perhaps at another time. Let me say though that my mother stayed home with me and my siblings while we were growing up, and I know she wishes she could still be a stay at home mom. There is something very special about a parent being able to stay home and just take care of their children. But I believe that goes for either parent, and I know that God-fearing, well-rounded children can be raised in a home where both parents need/want to work as well. It's all about what the focus is. Are the parents focused on their family, or their careers alone? There needs to be a balance, only focusing on one or the other can cause problems.)

Now let's take a look at the actual context of 1 Timothy 5:8 - Here's verses 1-8 (New American Standard):
"1 Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, 2 the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purity. 3 Honor widows who are widows indeed; 4 but if any widow has children or grandchildren, they must first learn to practice piety in regard to their own family and to make some return to their parents; for this is acceptable in the sight of God. 5 Now she who is a widow indeed and who has been left alone, has fixed her hope on God and continues in entreaties and prayers night and day. 6 But she who gives herself to wanton pleasure is dead even while she lives. 7 Prescribe these things as well, so that they may be above reproach. 8 But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

So what is the context preceeding verse 8? It's the author's instructions on how widows should be cared for in the church; verse 8 (and also verse 16: "If any believing woman has relatives who are really widows, let her assist them; let the church not be burdened, so that it can assist those who are real widows.") stating how families should care for those in their own family who are no longer financially supported or unable to financially support themselves.

Besides this revelation of what is the actual context of the chapter, let's look at the word in verse 8 that Mark translates as "man", but all the other translations (even the NKJV) translate as "any", "whoever", and "anyone". It is the greek word tiv. If you click the link, you'll see that it is an "enclitic indefinite pronoun". "Enclitic" according to the Bing Dictionary is an adjective that is "depending on preceding word: describes a word that depends on a preceding word for its formation or pronunciation", and an "indefinite pronoun" is an "unspecific pronoun: a pronoun that does not refer to a specific person or thing, e.g. "someone," "nothing," or "anything" in English".

In other words, gender neutral.

How can a pastor base an entire philosophy regarding whether or not being a stay-at-home dad is Biblical on a verse that he first of all takes out of context, and then mis-translates?! Not only that, he goes on to say that he sees violation of this "principle" as grounds for spiritual discipline in his church.

I am not a parent myself, but this is based on my own opinion on what the author of 1 Timothy was actually talking about, and my own witness of an amazing stay-at-home dad. (My uncle.)

Any stay-at-home dads and moms, or working dads and moms out there with an opinion about this? I would love to hear your thoughts.

/soap box

Women of Faith Conference - Des Moines - May 13th and 14th, 2011

The Women of Faith Conference dates were announced on a Sunday morning at my church a couple months ago. Soon after that, the groupleader for the event from our church approached me to let me know that someone had bought some extra tickets so that other women who normally wouldn't be able to afford it could go, and she was wondering if I would want one. I had never heard of the Women of Faith Conference before, but I thought if someone was offering a free ticket I might as well go and see how it was. Between then and last week when I saw I had taken 5/13 off from work and couldn't remember why, I'll be honest that I had completely forgotten about the conference and hadn't looked up any information about it whatsoever.

On top of that, someone else had told me that the conference was kind of like a women's version of Promise Keeper's. I know that that organization has been a big help and encouragement to a lot of men, and I'm not going to make any statement either way on how beneficial it is as I've (obviously) never been to one and that's not the purpose of this blog post or what I would want to focus on anyway......

But regardless, I wasn't sure if a women's version of PK was what I really wanted to spend a whole weekend taking part in. Since someone else had paid for me to go, I was still planning on going on Saturday, but Christopher had to talk me into going on Friday night - he felt I was misjudging what I may or might not get out of it and thought I should at least try it before deciding how beneficial to me it would be.

I'm really glad Christopher talked me into going. My favorite speeches definitely happened today, but if I hadn't gone last night as well I don't know if my heart would have been as ready to receive what these women had to say. I was a little bit skeptical because I had no idea what to expect. Anytime I've been to a women's conference or even large-scale get-together before, it's been one of two things: either a "spiritual love fest", with no real content and focused only on how the praise music is supposed to make you feel about Jesus, or it's seemed like the speakers were expected to only bring forward and teach "tutorials" on how to live the Christian life - as a woman - in certain contexts and situations. Nothing personal is talked about, except for the occasional funny family story, and you leave with a myriad of caveats to take home that you may or may not remember a couple weeks later. To be clear, I have nothing against (most) Praise and Worship music, and I love hearing new perspectives on the Bible to apply to my life; but in my personal experience a focus on feelings without Bible teaching leads to a shallow spiritual experience, and Bible teaching without bringing in personal experience and teachings leads to a lot of head knowledge without much personal spiritual growth.

At the Women of Faith Conference this weekend, there were all these things - the worship team was awesome and the songs were heartfelt and sincere, and I never felt like I was being expected to respond a certain way outwardly. These were just women happy to present their love and faith in God through song, inviting the guests there to join along in worship. The speakers and musical groups (Mary Mary and Selah) were very sincere, and there was a lot of Bible teaching and exposition. There were even plenty of funny family stories. (I can't remember the last time I laughed so much.)

But even though all these things were wonderful and memorable and extremely encouraging, they are not the reason I am walking away from this weekend hardly able to wait for next year's conference. It's because the women who shared this weekend were so open and vulnerable with the audience, that soon we no longer felt like guests, we felt like - as they said they were hoping we'd feel - like a whole arena full of girlfriends, there for each other, to encourage each other and grow together.

The whole experience was just so encouraging. Every single woman who got up on that stage looked so put together; they all had cute shoes and great clothes and perfect makeup. I think, from experience, they knew how it can appear to those who don't know much about them. They immediately did their best to show us that they were just normal people. (Mary Mary especially talked about that - as Grammy winners and musicians much more in the public spotlight than the average Christian signer - they acknowledged that people might be wondering "what's so hard about your life? You're beautiful, famous, popular and talented! What on earth could be so hard in your life that you can understand and empathize with what I've gone through?") One reoccuring theme through the whole weekend was how everyone - no matter who they are or what they do - have brokeness that needs to be healed by God.

Sheila Walsh shared how she experienced brokeness as a child when her father suffered brain trauma that resulted in mental illness. Before his injury, she had been his daddy's little girl. Conversely, after the accident, whenever he went into one of his rages, she was the one he targeted. She knows now that it was the affect of the trauma, and that he didn't know what he was doing, but imagine what it would be like to be four years old and see hatred towards you in your father's eyes. Eventually, his rage got so out of control that he tried to kill Sheila, and her mom had to call the police. It took 6 men to drag him out of the house and bring him to a pyschiatric hospital; that was the last time Sheila ever saw him, as he later snuck out of the hospital the first night he was moved from the high security ward and drowned himself.

Nicole Johnson shared how her parent's divorced when she was 6 years old, and as her parent's could not work out together the custody issue regarding her and her sister, they went to custody court. Sheila and her sister were both put on the stand and had to answer the judge when he asked them to choose which parent they wanted to live with. This so wounded Nicole, she decided she would live her life doing her best to never disappoint anyone ever again.

Angie Smith's story was so heart-wrentching, but also so filled with hope and grace. She and her husband Todd - one of the singers in the band Selah - have three beautiful little girls, but when she was 20 weeks pregant with their fourth daughter, at a doctor's appointment they discovered that the baby would not be "compatible with life." Her kidneys had not developed correctly, neither had her lungs. They decided to carry her for as long as God would allow them to have her, and Angie was able to carry her long enough for her to be born. She was born alive, and they were able to spend some precious moments with her, and then she was gone. One of the most touching things about Angie was how nervous she was about speaking. This weekend was only her second time being a speaker with Women of Faith, last weekend being her first in Columbus, OH. Her legs were shaking so badly when it came time for her to share, Sheila Walsh and Lisa Harper had to support her as she made her way up the steps to the platform in the middle of the arena.

There were so many other stories of heartbreak, brokeness and trial that the women shared with us this weekend. The thing that so amazed me was that that's why they were there! They weren't there to teach anyone how to fix their lives, or to give a list of steps to take to get out of this situation or that. They were there to share the brokeness they had experienced - in some cases still experiencing - and to share how God had healed and continue to heal them. The women at this conference only had one purpose: they want Christian women to know the mercy, love and healing they have experienced by the grace of God.

It was just so refreshing and powerful, these women being so vulnerable with us and willing to share some of the darkest parts of their lives and how God met them there.

One other thing Sheila Walsh shared that I want to touch on right now: her wounding as a child from the experience with her father's brain trauma and mental illness caused an emotional wounding in her that led to a battle with mental illness herself. She is now very open about talking about it and sharing it, and I was very affected by a story she told about her first night in the psychiatric hospital. Because of where she was at emotionally and mentally, she was on suicide watch the first night and a nurse would come and check on her every 10-15 minutes. She didn't sleep in the bed in her room that night, she just grabbed the blanket and curled up in the corner. Around 3am she heard someone stop by the room again, but it had happened so many times already she just assumed it was the nurse checking in her rounds again. She didn't realize this visit was different until she saw a man's feet in front of her and felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up, she didn't recognize him, but she didn't think much of that as it was her first night there. But then he handed her a stuffed animal - a lamb. He then walked toward the door to leave, but before leaving turned back to her and said "Sheila, I just want you to know that your Shephard knows where to find you."

Sheila shared that she was at that hospital for several months, and she never saw that man again. She is convinced that that man was an angel.

I'll continue to process the experience over the next several days (and maybe weeks), and I'll continue to blog about it. What Luci Swindoll (yes, sister of Chuck Swindoll) had to say especially spoke to me personally. I'll try to share more of that specifically tomorrow. I'm also hoping to get some of the books by these women and I'll continue to write here about my processing through them as well.

Joel

I friend of mine, someone my fiance went to college with, just posted this on his blog this morning:

Relax, this won't hurt.

It's a suicide note. Please, anyone who reads this, pray for Joel. I've been through this before, I don't want to see another mother lose her son this way.

I wrote two pretty harsh notes to him, hoping if he sees them he'll change his mind. That's all I want, I just want him to change his mind. Oh I pray someone gets to him before he does this. Please Lord, please!


Thank you to everyone that prayed. It was too late though. Please keep Joel's family in prayer, his mother especially. Joel's dad died when he was young, and he had no siblings. Thankfully his extended family is very close, but she could use all the prayer she can get.

Joel, we miss you.

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!

I'm so incredibly happy, and so is Christopher.

We met on eHarmony in October of 2007, and started dating in May 2008. Sometime last year we were at a Walden Books browsing the children's book section - one of my favorite pastimes - and while looking at the Sandra Boynton books I found one called Your Personal Penguin. So you can get the idea of the book, here's a video of Davy Jones of The Monkeys putting the book to music.

After reading it, I said offhand that it would be a really cute way for someone to propose to someone, and then I eventually forgot about it. But Christopher didn't.

Christopher and I both love animals, and we like going to zoos, especially the Omaha Zoo. I didn't know why, but Christopher had been trying to get me to Omaha Zoo since September 12th. We had gone to a Cubs game on September 11th, so I was really tired and talked him into staying home the next day.....*head smack*

He finally got me there this past Saturday however, and after seeing the rainforest, the butterfly house, the cat house, the desert, the nocturnal exhibit, the bears and the aviary, we made our way over to the aquarium - our mutually favorite part - to see the penguins. My feet were hurting so I had already suggested that we sit for a while to watch the penguins, and of course Christopher agreed. We sat for a few minutes, during which time Christopher later told me he was waiting to see if the other people who were there were going to leave. (They didn't, but that's ok, I ended up being much too preoccupied to even realize other people were there.) Christopher couldn't wait anymore eventually though - I'd inadvertently already made him wait a month - and saying "by the way, hun" he got down on one knee in front of me and pulled out a little penguin book with the ring inside of it and asked me to be his "penguin pal." It took me about 30 seconds to process what was going on, as I had been expecting that he would be waiting until after Thanksgiving. Once I understood though, I started crying. And of course I said yes.

My ring is SO BEAUTIFUL. And it's the one I wanted too! Several months ago we had been talking about rings and he asked me what I wanted. It's really good we talked about it too, because I didn't want a diamond. I knew that if he were to get me a diamond, the only thing he would be able to afford would be a simple solitaire. And I REALLY don't like solitaire rings. I wanted an opal, surrounded by small diamonds. (What girl still doesn't want something sparkly?) So we started searching online, and I found one from a company called Flash Opal based out of Australia. It was almost 2 whole sizes smaller than my ring size though, and I thought it wouldn't be possible to resize it to my finger. I really like it though, so I showed it to Christopher and told him "something like this." Once he was ready to get the ring, he contacted the people at Flash Opal about a different similar ring, but there was an issue with it's quality or something, so they suggested another ring - the one I loved in the first place! They told him the gold was a really good quality and that they'd be able to resize it to my finger. So I got the one I wanted after all!! Below are some of the pictures of the ring from the website, but I have to tell you they DO NOT do the ring justice. Nothing can compare to seeing in person the way the opal changes color as I move it, and the way it reacts to different light and being wet and of course how it looks on my finger. :)

Christopher and I are planning on a early September wedding next year, so I'll keep people posted!!















According to the info we received from the people at Flash Opal, the weight of the opal is approximately 1.2ct, it's colors are electric lime green and blue, it's pattern is floral/roll, it's quality is flawless, and it's brightness - judged on a scale of 1-5 - is 5+++. It's such an amazing ring!!!! AND I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Choosing a Name

I'm choosing a name for my main character in my new story right now, and at the moment I'm trying to decide between Marit, Liv and Karina. Marit means Pearl, Liv means My God is a vow, and Karina means Pure. They are all Scandinavian in origin, as my heroine is Scandinavian as well. Below I have the descriptions given by the Kabalarians website regarding the meanings of these three names. I know I can make my character whatever I want, but seeing descriptions like this is entertaining, and does help me make my decision.

Marit

* Your first name of Marit has given you a studious nature, and the ability to concentrate on whatever you are doing.

* You could excel in mathematics or in positions where persistence, independence, and individuality are required.

* In personal associations, a lack of finesse in verbal expression often creates misunderstandings with others, especially with those close to you, because you find it difficult and embarrassing to express depth of feeling when situations arise requiring diplomacy, understanding, and affection.

* Although the name Marit creates the urge to be original and self-reliant, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses heart, lungs, bronchial area, and tension or accidents to the head.

Liv

* Your name of Liv creates a very sensitive, inspirational, and idealistic nature.

* You have an appreciation for all the fine and beautiful things in life, and could excel in music, art, drama, or literary undertakings, where you could find an expression for your deeper feelings that you would not find otherwise.

* As a result of your love of the out-of-doors, you would experience the most peace and harmony out in the quiet of nature.

* Your sensitive nature causes you to lack self-confidence, and to withdraw from arguments or turmoil, as any discord reflects quickly through your nervous system.

* Although the name Liv creates idealism and the urge to help others, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the nervous system, heart, lungs and bronchial area.

Karina

* Your first name of Karina has given you a friendly, likeable nature, and you could excel in artistic, dramatic, and musical expression.

* With this name, you desire the finer things in life, but you do not always have the resolve and vitality to put forth the effort necessary to fulfil your desires.

* Your emotional feelings are easily affected and you will always be involved in other people's problems as a result of your overly sympathetic nature.

* Though the name Karina creates the urge to understand and help people, we draw to your attention that it causes an emotional intensity and sensitivity that is hard to control.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid and nervous system.

I have also already decided on the hero's name, who I have christened Richard. (I don't have any last names yet.) For fun, here's the Kabalarian report for the name Richard.

* The name of Richard gives you a very individual, reserved, serious nature.

* You prefer to be alone with your own thoughts, rather than in the company of others.

* This name restricts spontaneity in association and the fluency of your verbal expression.

* When you are required to express yourself in personal matters requiring finesse and diplomacy, you feel awkward and embarrassed.

* Although you realize perfectly well what is expected of you, you are unable to find the right words, and hence you end up saying something inappropriate in a candid way.

* You can express your deeper thoughts and feelings best through writing.

* While the name Richard creates the urge to be creative, independent and original, we point out that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a tendency to be moody.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses heart, lungs, bronchial area, and tension or accidents to the head.

First of all, I LOVE the description of Richard. That's pretty much exactly how I imagined him. (He's a man in his mid-thirties, and he's an English professor at small, private liberal arts school.)

As far as the heroine goes, I think I like the name Liv the best. I was originally going to go with Marit, but I think Liv probably fits the character better.

It might seem silly to work so hard on figuring out the name, but until now I'd been using the name "Jenny," simply because it was the first thing that popped into my head when I started writing. But I don't think that name fits the character at all, so when I write, that's all I can think about instead of developing the story. Now I'll be able to concentrate and write much better, having decided on a name that I'm very happy with.

Update:

Heroine: Liv Victorson
Hero: Richard Ahlberg

Word of the Day - Short Shrift

Here's the Word of the Day. I'll be using the word in my fiction writing later today. I'm hoping to finish my first chapter in my first real attempt at Christian Romance. I'll post something commentative about something here later.

The Word of the Day for June 18, 2009 is:
short shrift • \SHORT-SHRIFT\ • noun

1 : barely adequate time for confession before execution

2 *a : little or no attention or consideration
b : quick work

Example Sentence:
Parents are complaining that, due to recent budget cuts, physical education and arts programs have been given short shrift in the local schools.

Did you know?
The word "shrift" is an archaic noun referring to the confession or absolution of sins. These days, "shrift" is rarely encountered on its own, but it does keep frequent company with "short" in the phrase "short shrift." The earliest known use of the phrase comes from William Shakespeare's play Richard III, in which Lord Hastings, who has been condemned by King Richard to be beheaded, is told by Sir Richard Ratcliffe to "Make a short shrift" as the king "longs to see your head." Shakespeare uses this phrase quite literally ("keep your confession short"), but since at least the 19th century the phrase has been used figuratively to refer to a small or inadequate amount of time or attention given to something.

Word of the Day - Preeminent

Courtesy of Merriam Webster Online.

The Word of the Day for June 17, 2009 is:
preeminent • \pre-EM-uh-nunt\ • adjective

: having paramount rank, dignity, or importance : outstanding, supreme

Example Sentence:
Carrie considered herself lucky to have one of the country’s preeminent novelists as her writing professor.

Did you know?
What is noteworthy about the following sentence? "Mount McKinley is a prominent eminence in the Alaskan landscape." You very likely recognized two words that are closely related to "preeminent" -- "prominent" and "eminence." All three words are rooted in the Latin verb stem "-minēre," meaning "to stand out." But did you note as well the related word "mount"? Not too surprisingly, "-minēre" is related to "mons," the Latin word for "mountain." That relationship leads us in turn to "paramount," a word closely related in meaning to "preeminent."

I haven't the time or the energy at the moment to try to delve into something new, so I'm just going to go ahead and bring back an old topic; I'll be approaching it a different way, but I think it's about time I resolve this for myself.

Several months ago, I wrote this post in response to an unrest I was feeling, an obligation to stay informed of what I had attempted to involve myself in, and then a subsequent confusion based on what I had read.

The first section of quotations, starting with Tozer and ending with Jeremy Meyers, are all related. Going back and re-reading that post has changed my perception a bit. I still agree with who I agreed with before, but I find the section by Jim Henderson rather condescending to Brian, who I believe shared the thought by Tozer. Jeremy's response in my opinion was very gracious. Agreeing with Jim, thanking him for the insights, but not attacking Brian in the process. Again, I agree with Jim, it's just seems to me that he may have written that a little too hastily and too emotionally. I don't know how God used what he said, I obviously wasn't bothered by his tone the first time I read it so maybe Brian wasn't offended either. (Though the reason I wasn't bothered probably has something to do with the fact that I was also upset with Brian for whatever it was he wrote to Jeremy that also got Jim upset.)

Strangely enough, the next quotation, by Tim Nichols ties in rather nicely with this. It's a different subject matter being addressed, but perhaps Tim's insights could lead us to understanding of the previous issue. Tim's exact quotation states "Because if we want to avoid similar decades-long battles in other areas — like, say, over the exact content that one must believe to be saved — then it is helpful to see what our brothers have done wrong (and what they have done right) in past conflicts." I was thinking about the conundrum of passing blame. What about when other people pass blame? Do we then get all puffed up and blame them for being blamers? At the same time, it is important to distinguish between truth and falsity; that's one thing I know the Word makes very clear. What Tim said I believe gives another possibility. Don't beat yourself up for being emotionally affected by a differing opinion from another person, but still change the way you respond to it. Don't treat them in kind, if their actions are what bother you, acknowledge to yourself what you think, what you see, and approach it as a learning situation. Then it becomes less personal, and you tempt yourself less to treating the brother or sister with anything less than love.

As for the other two quotations I copied, I honestly don't remember what I thought about them before. I know why I included them, they made me think - and they still do - but I don't remember what it was I was wanting to say about them so I'm not going to bother with it now.

Looking back at this post is something I feel I can really learn from. I mentioned that the post was a result of my attempting to stay involved with something I felt obligated to participate in. I do remember very clearly though that this attempt brought me only confusion and unrest, not joy or growth. At the beginning of my blog journey, I needed to get involved in some of the more difficult discussions going on between individuals in my former spiritual environment and those they disagreed with. It was still something that greatly affected my thoughts and my day to day life, so I didn't feel at peace not getting involved, or at least being informed. I don't regret that. What I do regret is then not being able to move on when I needed to. These issues between these parties have caused much discord among the brethren and are to be taken seriously, I'm not going to avoid or ignore them now; but I'm no longer going to let them take the preeminent role in my spiritual thoughts and conversations with others. There are other things God has called me for, other things He wants me to concentrate on. I left the church I grew up in because I could no longer attend there and continue to grow; I was being spiritually stilted and it was hurting an otherwise growing relationship with my Heavenly Father. I need to remember that, and apply that truth with everything in my life once and if it starts negatively affecting my relationship with Him.

New Blog- Eruanna Melda's Romance

First off, (and this is directed at you Christopher,) don't laugh at the name. Go to the blog, read the introduction pages and then you can laugh at me.

I haven't written anything yet, story wise, but I'm going to. I think it's high time I finally started utilizing Write or Die.

I've also been highly challenged by a newcomer to my blog, for which I am very grateful. Constructive criticism from fellow writers is just not emphasized as important enough anymore. Or maybe people just aren't willing to be honest with people regarding what they think. (Or they're too honest, and attack those they disagree with rather than being constructive.)

So, as my first step of showing my gratitude for the welcomed critique, I will be posting a "Word of the Day" every day possible, and using it in a post someway that relates to the title of this blog. I think it's about time I paid attention to that again.

If anyone else has anything to say, either here or any of my fiction blogs, (because there are more to come,) please, don't hesitate, I welcome it.

Update: I used Write or Die this morning for 10 minutes, and I got over 500 words written. Amazing how quickly the words of a story will come to you when you're forced to just write. I'm going to be using it again tonight, hopefully for an hour or two total, and the goal is to get a chapter published on the new blog before I go to bed.

Writing Christian Romance: I really want to. But can I?

I've been feeling very conflicted lately. And I know that right now I can't sleep. Way too much on my mind. I feel guilty...but at the same time, if I went to bed I would just toss and turn. I might as well try to get something productive done. Some people might not think writing on a blog as something that is productive, but for me it is. I function so much better mentally when I'm exercising my brain through writing. It helps me get so much off my mind, and often helps me find peace with the things I struggle with. Often when I write it's kinda like a prayer, because a lot of the time I'm directing what I'm writing to God.

One reason I've found the thought of writing stories so overwhelming lately is because I've approached it as if in order to write a story or a book or a novel that encourages and speaks to people, I need to understand completely whatever it is I want to write about. I feel like I need to "have all the answers" for whatever the subject is. There aren't many things right now that I can say that I understand, or that I can explain to other people. But I still have that DESIRE to help others who struggle with things that I struggle with. I don't have the courage as of yet to share ALL my struggles, hopefully that will change someday, but I have to start somewhere.

I read something though on Francine Rivers' website a month or so ago that changed that perspective for me. She said that every book she writes begins as a QUESTION she is asking God. I've been thinking a lot about that. It suddenly seems strange to me that I wanted to write stories for reasons that would never occur to me to be acceptable reasons to talk to people. Do I want to help other people, if God leads me to someone that He has equipped me to help? Of course. But I don't view other Christians solely as people that I need to help. That would be very condescending of me. I view other Christians as people that I want to fellowship with, people that I want to grow closer to God with. If through that I end up helping someone who is struggling, wonderful. But the fellowship, the sharing of a common love, a common purpose, is the goal. The focus is the living and the acting out in truth the Life of the Body that God has called us to, that He has made us for.

Obviously, writing won't be exactly the same as fellowship, as it is usually a solitary exercise, versus a corporate one. But why was my purpose focused on what I could do for others? If that's my focus, I'm going to do more harm than good when I try. If I want to be an encouraging member of God's Body through my writing, He needs to be my focus. I want my writing to be another exercise, another way of my getting to know Him better. Yes, my blog writing is already something that I view that way, but why not my stories? I don't need to have any answers, I don't need to be an expert on a spiritual issue in order to write about it. I just need to begin with a question, a desire to understand something that I don't understand, a yearning to be lead by God to His truth. If that is what drives my writing, and not me trying to have all the answers - which is ultimately just a symptom of me trying to please others - then I will take so much unneeded and harmful pressure off my shoulders, grow closer to God, and maybe even encourage others in the process.

So, Christian Romance. It's on my heart, on my conscience. I believe I can do it. I believe at the very least I can write stuff better than most of what I've seen out there lately. (Of course with the exception of Francine Rivers. If I could ever develop my writing enough to come even close to her talent, that would more than I would ever ask for.) And this isn't a vanity on my part, honestly. I just can't believe some of the stuff that gets published. It doesn't matter how good your story is if you don't develop your characters. If your characters aren't developed, if what they do doesn't seem realistic, then you dehumanize them and they become impossible to relate to. The greatest story in the world, the most elegent prose, is ruined if the characters don't make sense.

Honestly, I kinda want to write those online "webisodes" that I update one to a couple times a week, where people can comment, tell me what they think, and it would be a good developmental exercise for me I think. I don't want to stay with that, I would love to be published someday and have real books with paper and ink sitting on bookstore shelves, but the internet is a very valuable tool that I can use to my advantage - kind of a impromtu education - learning what works and what doesn't, what I need to work on, how I can improve, and what it is I'm capable of. I've tried those writing communities in the past, and they're fun for a while, but that's kind of overwhelming too. It's way too easy to get distracted by what others have written, or to get discouraged because no one comments on what you have written. Of course, I don't know if people will comment on what I'll write this way either, but I think I have a better chance at receiving constructive critism.

So...now I just need to figure out how to build a website where I can do that. I'm not going to invest money yet, so I need one of those free sites. I really love Blogger for blogging, but I think I'm going to try Wordpress. I tried it before for The Chronicles of Jane that quickly died out, but I think that was because I focused too much on the formating rather than the writing. Who cares how pretty my site is if I only write two chapters?

Oh, one more thing. Even though writing is usually a solitary exercise, and I'm not going to try those writing communities anymore, that doesn't mean that a community of other writers isn't important. I don't want to throw myself into building that community any more than I want to completely distract myself by the logistics of writing, but the rest of tonight before I go to bed I'm going to dedicate to finding other people like me: Christian Romance authors who at least talk about their writing, if not share it, online. I don't know if I'll find anything, but I'm going to try.


UPDATE: I've found some good stuff. By far the most encouraging site I've found as far as giving me other options goes is New Christian Voices.

One thing I just found made my jaw hit the floor...wasn't exactly what I was thinking I was going to find. It's an online resource index called Biblical Counsel: Resources for Renewal. The reason I stumbled upon it was because of this page on Christian Fiction. This statement - or disclaimer - is at the top of the page:

"We see no precedent in Scripture for fiction, either Christian fiction or secular novels. Time spent reading fiction is time lost from learning more scriptural truth with the finite amount of time we are given. However, if the mind is fatigued and needs rest and recreation, then do choose Christian biography or Christian fiction over the novel, over the theater, and over the media. Remember the Jesuits have always used the theater, and now Hollywood, to influence the masses with their heretical message."

I'm not sure who the people are that have published this resource guide, and frankly I don't think I'll be visiting this site anytime soon, but they do have a link to some George MacDonald fiction on the page to their credit.

Funny Owl

Maybe it's because I'm REALLY REALLY tired, but I think this picture is hilarious.



Thanks for putting up with my silliness. Better update tomorrow if I get to the computer before 1am....

My Future and Past

Looking at the picture I didn't realize until now was still the header to my blog, it is very tempting to go straight away to Photobucket to make a new one. But then I wouldn't follow through on my decision to write today. (I'm a professional procrastinator. But wait...you probably already know that.)

I've been rather restless lately. Everytime I feel the itch to write, I find I have no idea what to say, which is dissatisifying enough as to prevent me from actually writing. I miss school. I miss longing for time to write whatever I want instead of what's required of me on a class syllabus. But, it's going to be a while until I have the chance or financial opportunity to go back to school. Unless I start taking online courses from a community college. Just to get some Gen. Eds. done. If I do that, I'm going to avoid taking any English classes. English is my chosen major, and if I can get as many Gen. Eds. done as possible before I enroll fulltime in school again, that means I'll have that much more time and opportunity for English classes than I would otherwise. That way I also can take advantage of everything the English department at the school I end up going to has to offer. (I didn't take any English classes when I went to Grinnell either. It took me until AFTER I'd left to realize that English was the perfect major for someone like me who loves reading and writing......)

As of right now, I'm looking at both The University of MN - Main U, and The University of Iowa in Iowa City. They are both very good schools, but I'm hoping to go to The University of Iowa because they have one of the best if not THE best English Departments in the nation. A lot depends on the fact that I'm in a serious relationship though. And right now my priority is not school, but moving to Des Moines so that Christopher and I can FINALLY NOT be a long-distance relationship couple.

I went to the Grinnell graduation this last Monday. It was the Class of 2009, the class I was supposed to be apart of. It was hard for me, even though I was so happy to see all my friends there graduate. About half-way through the day the sadness hit me, about how what was supposed to be MY day, the day I had been looking forward to since before I even graduated from high school, I was in the position of bystander. Don't get me wrong, I know that my choosing to leave Grinnell because of how crazy my life had become, (as well as the fact that I think I would have gone crazy under stress if I hadn't left,) I still wish leaving hadn't been necessary. Except for my salvation and Christopher, Grinnell was the best thing that ever happened to me. It's an experience I will always cherish, and something I never want to lose hold of.

Encouraging Notes From a Relative

I know an update is due, especially since my life has been able to slow down quite a bit in the last few weeks, but first I want to share something that I read on my cousin Dave's blog today. He and his twin brother, Karl, own a photography studio, and Dave's blog is really fun to look at because of all the photos he posts on it. (Karl also has a great website with photos. My absolute favorites are definitely from when David and his wife Rachel spent several months doing mission work in China, and Karl went to visit them at one point. The China pictures are BEAUTIFUL.)

But anyway, this post that Dave wrote really encouraged me. Here's a quotation:

Something I’ve been experiencing lately is a change in my relationship with God. I’ve realized that I’ve always had this legalistic, contractual view of my relationship with Him. If I do this or that He will give me eternal salvation…right? How pointless is that? And yet a lot of the Christian community is trapped into this type of relationship without even knowing it.

We were not created to live a contractual relationship with God. We were created to experience a relationship with him. God is not confined inside the Church walls or the Bible, he is everywhere, in all good things and I want to experience Him as such.

Check out the rest of the post here, and check out the photography too if you want.

Morning Update

Once again, it has been a VERY long time since I updated my blog, but I'm not going to apologize this time. I wish I could, I wish I had an invalid excuse, because then that would probably mean I would have written here much sooner. The fact is I have just been too incredibly busy.

Basically my life has been filled by work and by caring for my siblings, along with the occasional much needed foray and mini-vacation to Iowa to visit my boyfriend, Christopher. My mother is attending the MN State Trooper Training Academy at the moment, though she only has 2 1/2 weeks left, and I have been helping her by living and caring for my siblings while she's away during the week. (I've had a lot of help though.) My job has kept me even busier, which is unfortunately something that has led me to some bitterness, but I'm hoping that situation will resolve itself soon. I accepted the position of babysitter/nanny for a 9-month-old baby boy a few months ago, and I really enjoy the job, but I've been - in my opinion - overworked. I informed the woman who hired me - who is a single mother - that my siblings were my first priority, and if she hired me, it would need to stay that way. She said she understood, and I believe she did, and I believe she had good intentions, but her job is such that keeps her at work for many hours a day, so I was working on average 60 hours a week. I tried several times to work things out where Joey, (the baby,) would come with me to my house in the evening so I could be there with my siblings as well, but even that wasn't working. I finally got up the courage to approach my employer with the problems I've been having and explained to her that because of what she has asked of me I have had no time to address hardly anything else in my life. Yes, I greatly enjoy taking care of her son, but I can't do it well if I'm exhausted all the time and completely stressed about everything else in my life.

She understood, and is right now looking for another person to split the 60+ hours a week with me that she needs covered. I just think she didn't realize, didn't even think about the fact that so many hours a week isn't acceptable for someone who has so many other responsibilities. She said that her career has always kept her working that much a week her whole life, so I think she just didn't realize it. I'm still a little bit frustrated that I was the one that needed to explain that to her, but she set to work right away looking for another babysitter to hire so I'm feeling at peace about the situation right now. Even if it doesn't work out, because she might just find someone who's willing to take all the hours and then I might be out of a job, I'll be ok. I'm confident in my decision and in my efforts to make this job work, so it won't feel like failing if it doesn't.

God has been doing some wonderful things in my life regardless, and hopefully soon I'll be able to start writing about them. I have learned SO MUCH about myself and what my weaknesses are and what kind of mother I want to be through this experience; and I'll always be happy that I took this job because of it, even though it's been stressful. I can honestly say that no other job has ever taught me so much. I stated on my childcare resume that I believe taking care of children to be "the most rewarding thing anyone can do." It's so true, and I've realized it to be true in more than one way.

Well, I'm still working the original hours for this week, so I need to go call a cab to pick me up. I usually take the bus, but too many accidents this morning in the house kept me from getting out the door in time.

More updates coming soon. May my Father give me strength and patience today.

"Cooperative Altruism"

I will be getting to commenting on my previous post, but first, I would like to share something that I DO know exactly what I think about it, and I think it is incredibly cool. (And not just because my boyfriend wrote it.)

Christopher wrote a post yesterday about "Cooperative Altruism." It really encouraged me, and I like the way this idea is going. Here's a snippet of what he said that especially spoke to my heart and what I believe to be true about God and his love.

I believe that God did give us the ability to feel some high feeling from doing a marvelous act for someone else. If we do it just to get that feeling, we are in the wrong. But, to have that feeling is not wrong. We should doing good things to the point that we don't even notice that feeling because our minds will have been so set on the giving nature of God's love above, that we won't notice the change in our thinking--it will be already heavenly. God does good things for us without requiring us to return the favor. He helps us to do so in some ways (by loving, serving, following Him), but He loves us knowing we can't possibly do so. That is the true nature of altruism.

Read the rest of it; what do you think?

Quotations and Thoughts

The following are quotations that have made me think, taken from blog posts I have read over the past few days. Some of them I agree with, some of them I disagree with, some I don't know what to think yet. I don't have the energy at the moment to elaborate on why they made me think, nor to take time to set out in writing my own opinions on the subjects. I will do so soon, hopefully tomorrow, but since I now have these thought-provokers in one place - meaning I won't forget them now - I think it would be good for me to sleep on my thoughts and pray about them before I start writing. I have a lot to say, and I have a lot of thoughts that will require me to write without the care of whether everyone who reads it will agree or not. Of course, my fervent desire is to write with humility and grace to all, I pray my Father censures my words where they will only offend and not edify, but I'm learning a lot about the need to be TRANSPARENT and HONEST.... another issue I need to write about.

Anyway, if you read this and have thoughts of your own, please share.

In order for God to use a man greatly He has got to hurt Him deeply

~ A.W. Tozer

If anything is heretical, it is Tozer’s quote - the only person God ever hurt deeply was himself on our behalf.

~ Jon Lee

“A post like this does grieve me…I did try to encourage you in the other thread over this crisis you are in or whatever you are going through, but please don’t blame the Lord”

Don’t blame the Lord because his feelings might be hurt?

Don’t blame the Lord because unlike us mere humans he is so touchy he won’t be able to understand your humanity?

Don’t blame the Lord because the religion known as Christianity has taught us that the most important thing is getting to heaven (and more importantly exacping Hell) Rather than following Jesus?

Jeremy is Brian sugegsting that you to try not to follow in the footsetps of our Lord and Master , The Living Word of God who in the Garden of Gethsemane modeled broken humanity and humility when he made himself so vulnearble he asked three mere humans to pray for him ( the same three who were about to deny him)

Also try to ignore most of the Psalms where David ( the adulterer, murderer AND man after Gods own heart (go figure) often told God how he doubted and wondered where he had gone.

This foolishness is where religion has gotten us - Free Jesus!!

~ Jim Henderson

Jim,

Wow. You may have just put into words what I’ve been thinking, but was unsure if it was safe to think.

I don’t “blame the Lord” but I do believe he could take it if I did. When we Christians are confronted by pain, fear, and doubt in our own lives, we feel like we have to bottle it all in and keep it hidden. When we run into similar pain in the lives of others, we feel like we have to remind them of spiritual platitudes and Bible verses rather than just let them express their pain and be there with them without judgment when they do.

Thanks for the comment.

~ Jeremy Myers

Because if we want to avoid similar decades-long battles in other areas — like, say, over the exact content that one must believe to be saved — then it is helpful to see what our brothers have done wrong (and what they have done right) in past conflicts.

~ Tim Nichols

People who have set healthy boundaries, who know what healthy boundaries look like and know how to maintain them, generally do not get used (by men, but they are indeed used by God). Claiming otherwise gives the false perception that the Word has no power to redeem from corruption those whom you are ministering to, who disagree with you. Claiming otherwise also gives the false perception that when a threat comes to you in the guise of goodness, you are not safe even with your knowledge of scripture, your resources of prayer and the faith you have in the promises of God for your protection.

It also sets up false-unity in the body of Christ because while the reality is that everyone disagrees with anyone else on some thing or another, no one is publicly known and accepted as such. The church is not safe for learning, for disagreeing, for testing, doctrine.

~ Michelle Painter

If an Egyptian who never heard of Christianity in his life were to read a scrap of paper containing John 6:47, the Egyptian would no doubt equate the guarantor of eternal life with Heqet, the frog goddess of life and fertility. Wikipedia affirms:

“When the Legend of Osiris and Isis developed, it was said that it was Heqet who breathed life into the new body of Horus at birth, as she was the goddess of the last moments of birth. As the birth of Horus became more intimately associated with the resurrection of Osiris, so Heqet's role became one more closely associated with resurrection. Eventually, this association lead to her amulets gaining the phrase I am the resurrection, and consequently the amulets were used by early Christians. Finally, as the legend of Osiris' resurrection grew increasingly stronger, she became ever more aligned with Isis, and eventually becoming an aspect of her.”

Nothing in John 6:47 would make a pagan reader think of the Biblical Jesus. The guarantor of eternal life would simply be understood as referring to whatever polytheistic god fit that description. In the case of the pagan Egyptian, the guarantor of eternal life would most closely align with Heqet, the frog goddess of life and fertility.

Wilkin's marooned man scenario and corresponding promise-only gospel simply illustrate that “A text without a context is a pretext.”

~Jonathan Perrault

Devozine Article Rough Draft ~ Grief

First, to give an idea of what it is that I need to write, here are the guidelines put forward by Devozine.

WHAT IS THE PURPOSE?

Our purpose is to help youth develop a lifelong practice of prayer and spiritual reflection. devozine is designed to help readers grow in their faith and explore the relevancy of the Christian faith for the issues they face. Undergirded by scripture, devozine will aid youth in their prayer life, introduce them to spiritual disciplines, help them shape their concept of God, and encourage them in the life of discipleship.

WHAT IS devozine?
- A bimonthly, 80-page magazine for youth
- Written by youth and by adults who care about them
- Each issue focuses on eight or nine themes.
- Each theme includes weekday readings and weekend features, enough for two months.
- Meditations may be read in chronological or random order.
- Meditations may be expressed through scripture, prose, poetry, prayers, stories, songs, art, or photographs.
- Readers and writers include persons of many different denominations and cultures.

WHO WILL ENJOY IT?
- Youth ages 12-18 who seek personal devotional readings
- Youth groups who seek devotional reflections
- Adults who seek to understand youth spirituality

HOW DO I WRITE FOR THE PUBLICATION?
- Daily meditations should be 150-250 words long.
- Poetry and prayers should be short to moderate in length -- 10 to 20 lines.
- Think about the purpose of the meditation -- what do you want it to evoke in the reader?
- Style notes: Simply written (preferably in youth language), realistic and relevant to life experiences of youth, does not need to be overtly religious but should help to open youth to the life of faith that we all seek, inclusive of multicultural experiences
- Language guidelines: Try to use language that is non-sexist and inclusive of everyone (examples are words such as humankind, persons, or everyone instead of mankind or men in the familiar generic sense). We encourage the use of a wide range of biblical images for God.
- May include scripture verse or suggested text (state version of Bible used)
- May include a reflective element: brief prayers, quotes, reflection or journaling questions, action ideas, or other items. Prayers should use honest, straightforward, conversational language.

WHAT ARE SOME TIPS FOR DEVOTIONAL WRITING?
- Devotional writing should invite people to come closer to God.
- Devotional writing should tell about real experiences of real people who are struggling to apply their faith to daily life.
- Devotional writing should express only one main idea. It should leave one memorable image with the reader.
- Devotional writing should lead persons into further conversation with God after they finish reading the meditation.
- Your journal can be a great source of devotional writing because your journal records your real thoughts about your experiences.

See that last tip, that I underlined? Well, Lord knows I've written about grief enough here, let's see what I can find as inspiration from some of my past blog posts. (Obviously, I'll need to cut them down quite a lot of I use them. They're all quite a bit longer than 250 words.)

Also, here are the tips specific to writing about the "Good Grief" theme.

good grief

- When in my life have I experienced grief or loss? What feelings or stages did I go through? Did any of these feel good? How has time eased my pain?
- When have I been grateful for the ability to cry? When have tears been a blessing? a release?
- When have I been tempted to ignore my grief or to pretend I was not grieving? What happens when I bury these feelings or refuse to deal with them? Who or what helped me to realize that it’s OK to grieve?
- When has a painful time of letting go or of leaving something behind led to a new opportunity, such as moving from the house in which I grew up or going off to college?
- When through the death of someone close to me have I begun to understand the natural cycle of life, as when leaves die in autumn and fall from the trees, but after a long winter, new buds sprout to re-create beautiful foliage?
- When have I found a blessing in the experience of loss? How have I sensed God’s presence with me through the pain and the tears?

From Suffering And Thanksgiving, November 22, 2007:

"No, suffering isn't enjoyable, but my spiritual joy can still remain constant, because if I respond to my Heavenly Father's love while in my suffering, He will then draw me closer, revealing to me more about Himself and what He did for me. Once I completely trust Him and place my suffering in His hands, I will then be able to accept the gift of peace He has waiting for me, because He is then my focus, and not the pain in my heart."

"I have so much to be thankful for. Not because my life is perfect, but because my Father is faithful. My Abba will never leave me or forsake me. He desires me to rest in the fullness of His embrace, and find peace and supernatural joy in my suffering, as I begin to understand His Son in His suffering as we stand face to face."

From Grief: A Study ~ Part 1, December 10, 2007:

"Grief. What has it meant to me in my life? Is the issue that it caused me pain? No, that is not the issue. Nor are the specifics that caused my pain the issue. The issue is how it changed me.

I need to show how it changed me for the worst in the beginning, and that change kept me captive in a pit. It turned me....not against, but away from my Heavenly Father. I lost my trust in Him. Not my trust in His Son for eternal life, but my trust that He is able to do "exceedingly abundantly" above anything I would ever dream to be possible. I also didn't understand that this ability of His, this power, has more to do with inner transformation on my part than a changing of outward circumstances."

"No matter where you are in life, no matter what you're going through, no matter what decisions you have made or what things you have done, you are LOVED. By a powerful, but gentle, Father, who desires NOTHING more than drawing you closer to Him.

This is my comfort, and the reason I can thank God for everything that happened to me, because I know now that it happened for a reason. It was all a part of God's wonderful plan to bring me to Himself. He didn't orchestrate the pain, much of it was my Enemy doing His best to keep me from seeing my Father's face, to keep me from reading the love He has for me in His eyes, from His Word. But though it was meant for evil, God turned it to good, and I am His vessel, willing to be used in whatever way He sees fit, to His glory, to proclaim His love, to show His majesty in the miracles He worked in me."

From Grief: A Study ~ Part 2, December 18, 2007:

"If anyone knew about grief, it was King David, and he experienced it throughout his life in almost every way imaginable. Pay attention to the way he describes the state of his soul, of his spirit in these verses. "My soul cleaves to the dust.....My soul weeps because of grief."

Have you ever gone through something in your life where you felt like you couldn't get back up? Like you'd been pushed down too many times? Was there ever a pain so strong you could hardly bear it? That is the picture David is painting here; he knew what it was like to have that kind of pain.

Like David, every single person on the planet goes through grief and hard times. Some experience it more than others it's true, but I have learned that there is more than one way that grief can appear in a persons life. A lot of the time, it happens through situations we can't control, like the loss of someone we care about, or through the workings of our Enemy as he tries to get our eyes of our Father. Just think about Job. He was a Godly man, and loved the LORD, but God still permitted a lot of horrible things to happen to Him. Did this mean that God did not love Job? Of course not. I think He loved Job enough to let them happen, because they ultimately brought Job even closer to his Father, and brought him more understanding. Look to Psalm 119 again; what does David say, right after expressing the pain in his soul? "My soul cleaves to the dust; Revive me according to Your Word....My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to Your word." David knew that what he needed was not for the pain to go away, but for God's will to be done, which always, no matter the circumstance, is that we draw closer to the Father, that we trust His commandments, trust His Word, and only look to Him and His truth for sustinance."

"Simply put, when we choose our own way over God's way, no matter how much pleasure it might bring us at first, it will always end in grief. God can allow us to run the way of emotional destruction, and we hit obstacles and trials as consequences of our sin. For me, God knew that I needed to hit rock bottom, and then continue to dig my pit deeper, before I would realize what I needed in Him. A lot of the grief I experienced in my life was simply me reaping the fruit of the seeds of neglecting the Spirit within me. I kept on turning away from Him, so He chose to let me hit hard and fast, thankfully, before I did any more damage to myself or anyone else."

From A New Year and Grief: A Study ~ Part 3, January 2, 2008:

Following writing out the story of what I went through when I lost a friend to suicide, I wrote:

"The knowledge that everything is always under God's control was something I had been taught my whole life, but this was the first time I had ever claimed that truth for my own in order to comfort me through the strength and love of the Holy Spirit, to give me strength to bear the pain.

The night afer I found out, I was sitting at the computer, just playing solitaire, trying to get my mind off of things, and I had some music from the Gaither Vocal Band playing as well. As I sat there, I couldn't help but think about what had happened, about what I had learned, and I started crying again; but silently, not the sobs they had been earlier.

As I cried, I started listening to the music that was playing, or more specifically listening to the words, and as they began to sink in, I realized something amazing.

The song "Let Freedom Ring" was playing, and for the first time, I realized that despite the song sounding like it was talking about freedom from sin, it was also talking about freedom of any kind, because that's how capable and powerful our God is. I started crying in earnest at that point, because I realized that despite the fact that I knew that my grief wasn't a bad thing, that God expected it, and even wanted it so that He could bring me closer to Him, it didn't have to keep me in bondage. Immediately, I felt wellsprings of joy bubbling up inside my soul, completely seperate from the pain and grief in my heart.

That joy did not come from me, it was the Holy Spirit within me giving me His joy, keeping me from despair despite the horrible pain in my heart.

This truth is something that I have clung to ever since, because now I know that truly, I can be content, and even filled with God's supernatural joy, no matter whatever cirumstance I am in, no matter how grieved I am, no matter how much pain I am experiencing. He is always faithful, and His power can cut through any chain.

Dear believers, do not let past hurts and wrongs and griefs keep you from experiencing the love and joy of the Father. For that, along with anything that keeps us from drawing closer to Him, is bondage. That love and joy is always there, just waiting for us to accept it, so we can experience the freedom and blessings our Heavenly is just waiting to give us, and give us abundantly."

Well, at least I have a lot of material to work with now.

Zane Hodges

Even though I haven't written very much about it since I started my blog over a year ago, I have been very aware over the past year of the issues involving and within the free-grace movement. I was shocked and surprised to learn that Zane Hodges, the author of the book Absolutely Free!, the book that has caused such a stir in the Duluth camp, passed away and went to be with the Lord over the weekend.

I don't know very much about the man personally, and I haven't read any of his books - though I've been meaning too - but I have a great respect for his ministry and I know he will be greatly missed.

Please see this article at the GES blog.

My first thoughts are thankfulness that Zane Hodges is with the Savior he loves, and that he is no longer in danger of being grieved and discouraged by the divisions amongst us. May we all remember to Whom we belong, and HIS work to which He has called us. May we all love each other and treat each other with kindness and gentleness, making the unity of entire Body of Christ our priority, not proving ourselves right and other brothers and sisters wrong.

Freelancing

The past several weeks have been alternately busy and stressful for me, as I'm trying to secure a second job on top of the one I have at the convention center here in Duluth. I'll be moving to Iowa by February Lord willing, and I need a second job so I can become MUCH more financially stable and able to support myself while settling down in a new apartment in a new town. I've been putting in applications, which I'll be checking on now in this new week, as well as putting in new ones in other positions I've found to be open. However today I'm exploring again something that I've desired to do for quite a long time - freelance writing.

Devozine, by The Upper Room is a devotional magazine for teens that is 90% freelanced by both teenagers and adults who want to minister to them. I've known about this opportunity to pursue for a while, but I as of yet have not seriously pursued it for one reason or another. (Mostly laziness if I'm going to be honest.)

A second opportunity I discovered today, and I'm going to try it out, though I'm not sure how well it will actual produce monetary returns.

On my facebook page the ads most frequently displayed are those geared toward blogging and freelance writing for pay. Most of these ads are pretty much scams, requiring the writer to pay a membership fee before giving assignments to write. But I saw one today that is absolutely free and pretty much like a blog. It's called Hubpages, and it uses GoogleAdSense and other third party ads to bring revenue to the Hubber. You can have multiple Hubpages for writing on different specific topics, but I only have one for the moment to see how much I like it and how well it works. There's a box further down on this page that will link to my Hubpage, so if anyone wants to look at it and tell me what they think I'd of course appreciate it.

For now though, I'm going to focus on writing something to submit to the Devozine, and I'm going to post here the possible topics that I could write on and turn in by the December 1st deadline. Later today hopefully, I'll write a rough draft on at least one of the topics.

September/October 2009

[Deadline: 12/1/08]

in your shoes
can you say no?
bullied
good grief
like Christ
learning differently
i believe...
my fab fam
eco-fashion