Within the Discord

Mr. and Mrs. Mark Driscoll's Opinion on Stay-at-Home Dads - 1 Timothy 5:8

2011-05-16T20:20:00.006-05:00

Before I make any comments regarding the content of the above video, I should be honest and state that I already disliked Mark Driscoll before seeing this video. (Just look at the book I have advertised on my sidebar, and you'll understand why. If you don't, Google "Mark Driscoll and The Shack". If you love, or even just liked the book The Shack , beware, if you watch Mark Driscoll's video on how The Shack is a "modern day heresy" it will probably make you angry. I made it to 1 minute 13 seconds and had to stop because I wanted to punch something.)

Now that I've been honest and given the disclaimer regarding my already existing problems with Mark Driscoll, let me say that I wasn't more than a minute into this video and I wanted to scream.

In case you are reading this without watching the clip first, Mr. and Mrs. Driscoll are responding to a question asking them their opinion on stay-at-home dads. The verse they reference most often in this clip is 1 Timothy 5:8. In the New King James the verse is "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel."

I'm not sure which translation the Driscoll's are using, but he recites the verse as "If any man does not provide for the needs of his family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

Here are a variety of translations and one paraphrase of the same verse:

In the New Revised Standard: "And whoever does not provide for relatives, and especially for family members, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

In the NIV: "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

In the New Living: "But those who won't care for their own relatives, especially those living in the same household, have denied what we believe. Such people are worse than unbelievers."

In the New American Standard: "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

And in The Message: "Anyone who neglects to care for family members in need repudiates the faith. That's worse than refusing to believe in the first place."

If anyone can point out to me which translation Mark Driscoll used here, I would really appreciate knowing, as I couldn't find it at studylight.org.

Before I examine the way I believe he has misquoted and misapplied this portion of Scripture however, let's just examine his version alone. "Any man who denies the needs of his family....."

What are the needs of a family? Mr. and Mrs. Driscoll seem to be presenting this verse as if the only needs a husband and father is responsible for are the financial ones.

Yes, they acknowledge that he is "part of the equation" when it comes to the rest of the aspects of family life, but the only thing that is his responsibility is making sure that his family is taken care of financially.

I disagree that that is the only responsibility that God has placed on the shoulders of fathers and husbands. A husband is responsible for loving his wife, as Christ has loved the church. A father is responsible to his children to raise them and not "provoke them to wrath". And what about all those verses in Proverbs written from a father to his son? I don't think that father believed his only responsibility to his children was financial.

I don't think Mark Driscoll believes that either, but in order for his argument to make sense, that is what this verse would have to mean. It's the father and husband's job to make sure the family is financially stable, and it's the wife and mother's job to make sure the family is emotionally stable. I don't disagree with everything the Driscoll's state in this clip, I completely agree that it is a huge responsibility and incredible honor to raise "the next generation" as she put it. But why is that only the mother's job? If the husband and wife are equal, as Mark Driscoll states, the raising of the children is the responsibility and honor of both!

If a father decides God has called him to stay at home with his children while his wife works, that doesn't mean he is denying the needs of his family, it just means God has called him to be responsible for needs other than ones that are financial.

(As far as women staying at home versus working outside of it, that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish and one I don't want to touch on too much right now, perhaps at another time. Let me say though that my mother stayed home with me and my siblings while we were growing up, and I know she wishes she could still be a stay at home mom. There is something very special about a parent being able to stay home and just take care of their children. But I believe that goes for either parent, and I know that God-fearing, well-rounded children can be raised in a home where both parents need/want to work as well. It's all about what the focus is. Are the parents focused on their family, or their careers alone? There needs to be a balance, only focusing on one or the other can cause problems.)

Now let's take a look at the actual context of 1 Timothy 5:8 - Here's verses 1-8 (New American Standard):
"1 Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, 2 the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purity. 3 Honor widows who are widows indeed; 4 but if any widow has children or grandchildren, they must first learn to practice piety in regard to their own family and to make some return to their parents; for this is acceptable in the sight of God. 5 Now she who is a widow indeed and who has been left alone, has fixed her hope on God and continues in entreaties and prayers night and day. 6 But she who gives herself to wanton pleasure is dead even while she lives. 7 Prescribe these things as well, so that they may be above reproach. 8 But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

So what is the context preceeding verse 8? It's the author's instructions on how widows should be cared for in the church; verse 8 (and also verse 16: "If any believing woman has relatives who are really widows, let her assist them; let the church not be burdened, so that it can assist those who are real widows.") stating how families should care for those in their own family who are no longer financially supported or unable to financially support themselves.

Besides this revelation of what is the actual context of the chapter, let's look at the word in verse 8 that Mark translates as "man", but all the other translations (even the NKJV) translate as "any", "whoever", and "anyone". It is the greek word tiv. If you click the link, you'll see that it is an "enclitic indefinite pronoun". "Enclitic" according to the Bing Dictionary is an adjective that is "depending on preceding word: describes a word that depends on a preceding word for its formation or pronunciation", and an "indefinite pronoun" is an "unspecific pronoun: a pronoun that does not refer to a specific person or thing, e.g. "someone," "nothing," or "anything" in English".

In other words, gender neutral.

How can a pastor base an entire philosophy regarding whether or not being a stay-at-home dad is Biblical on a verse that he first of all takes out of context, and then mis-translates?! Not only that, he goes on to say that he sees violation of this "principle" as grounds for spiritual discipline in his church.

I am not a parent myself, but this is based on my own opinion on what the author of 1 Timothy was actually talking about, and my own witness of an amazing stay-at-home dad. (My uncle.)

Any stay-at-home dads and moms, or working dads and moms out there with an opinion about this? I would love to hear your thoughts.

/soap box

Women of Faith Conference - Des Moines - May 13th and 14th, 2011

2011-05-14T19:41:00.003-05:00

The Women of Faith Conference dates were announced on a Sunday morning at my church a couple months ago. Soon after that, the groupleader for the event from our church approached me to let me know that someone had bought some extra tickets so that other women who normally wouldn't be able to afford it could go, and she was wondering if I would want one. I had never heard of the Women of Faith Conference before, but I thought if someone was offering a free ticket I might as well go and see how it was. Between then and last week when I saw I had taken 5/13 off from work and couldn't remember why, I'll be honest that I had completely forgotten about the conference and hadn't looked up any information about it whatsoever.

On top of that, someone else had told me that the conference was kind of like a women's version of Promise Keeper's. I know that that organization has been a big help and encouragement to a lot of men, and I'm not going to make any statement either way on how beneficial it is as I've (obviously) never been to one and that's not the purpose of this blog post or what I would want to focus on anyway......

But regardless, I wasn't sure if a women's version of PK was what I really wanted to spend a whole weekend taking part in. Since someone else had paid for me to go, I was still planning on going on Saturday, but Christopher had to talk me into going on Friday night - he felt I was misjudging what I may or might not get out of it and thought I should at least try it before deciding how beneficial to me it would be.

I'm really glad Christopher talked me into going. My favorite speeches definitely happened today, but if I hadn't gone last night as well I don't know if my heart would have been as ready to receive what these women had to say. I was a little bit skeptical because I had no idea what to expect. Anytime I've been to a women's conference or even large-scale get-together before, it's been one of two things: either a "spiritual love fest", with no real content and focused only on how the praise music is supposed to make you feel about Jesus, or it's seemed like the speakers were expected to only bring forward and teach "tutorials" on how to live the Christian life - as a woman - in certain contexts and situations. Nothing personal is talked about, except for the occasional funny family story, and you leave with a myriad of caveats to take home that you may or may not remember a couple weeks later. To be clear, I have nothing against (most) Praise and Worship music, and I love hearing new perspectives on the Bible to apply to my life; but in my personal experience a focus on feelings without Bible teaching leads to a shallow spiritual experience, and Bible teaching without bringing in personal experience and teachings leads to a lot of head knowledge without much personal spiritual growth.

At the Women of Faith Conference this weekend, there were all these things - the worship team was awesome and the songs were heartfelt and sincere, and I never felt like I was being expected to respond a certain way outwardly. These were just women happy to present their love and faith in God through song, inviting the guests there to join along in worship. The speakers and musical groups (Mary Mary and Selah) were very sincere, and there was a lot of Bible teaching and exposition. There were even plenty of funny family stories. (I can't remember the last time I laughed so much.)

But even though all these things were wonderful and memorable and extremely encouraging, they are not the reason I am walking away from this weekend hardly able to wait for next year's conference. It's because the women who shared this weekend were so open and vulnerable with the audience, that soon we no longer felt like guests, we felt like - as they said they were hoping we'd feel - like a whole arena full of girlfriends, there for each other, to encourage each other and grow together.

The whole experience was just so encouraging. Every single woman who got up on that stage looked so put together; they all had cute shoes and great clothes and perfect makeup. I think, from experience, they knew how it can appear to those who don't know much about them. They immediately did their best to show us that they were just normal people. (Mary Mary especially talked about that - as Grammy winners and musicians much more in the public spotlight than the average Christian signer - they acknowledged that people might be wondering "what's so hard about your life? You're beautiful, famous, popular and talented! What on earth could be so hard in your life that you can understand and empathize with what I've gone through?") One reoccuring theme through the whole weekend was how everyone - no matter who they are or what they do - have brokeness that needs to be healed by God.

Sheila Walsh shared how she experienced brokeness as a child when her father suffered brain trauma that resulted in mental illness. Before his injury, she had been his daddy's little girl. Conversely, after the accident, whenever he went into one of his rages, she was the one he targeted. She knows now that it was the affect of the trauma, and that he didn't know what he was doing, but imagine what it would be like to be four years old and see hatred towards you in your father's eyes. Eventually, his rage got so out of control that he tried to kill Sheila, and her mom had to call the police. It took 6 men to drag him out of the house and bring him to a pyschiatric hospital; that was the last time Sheila ever saw him, as he later snuck out of the hospital the first night he was moved from the high security ward and drowned himself.

Nicole Johnson shared how her parent's divorced when she was 6 years old, and as her parent's could not work out together the custody issue regarding her and her sister, they went to custody court. Sheila and her sister were both put on the stand and had to answer the judge when he asked them to choose which parent they wanted to live with. This so wounded Nicole, she decided she would live her life doing her best to never disappoint anyone ever again.

Angie Smith's story was so heart-wrentching, but also so filled with hope and grace. She and her husband Todd - one of the singers in the band Selah - have three beautiful little girls, but when she was 20 weeks pregant with their fourth daughter, at a doctor's appointment they discovered that the baby would not be "compatible with life." Her kidneys had not developed correctly, neither had her lungs. They decided to carry her for as long as God would allow them to have her, and Angie was able to carry her long enough for her to be born. She was born alive, and they were able to spend some precious moments with her, and then she was gone. One of the most touching things about Angie was how nervous she was about speaking. This weekend was only her second time being a speaker with Women of Faith, last weekend being her first in Columbus, OH. Her legs were shaking so badly when it came time for her to share, Sheila Walsh and Lisa Harper had to support her as she made her way up the steps to the platform in the middle of the arena.

There were so many other stories of heartbreak, brokeness and trial that the women shared with us this weekend. The thing that so amazed me was that that's why they were there! They weren't there to teach anyone how to fix their lives, or to give a list of steps to take to get out of this situation or that. They were there to share the brokeness they had experienced - in some cases still experiencing - and to share how God had healed and continue to heal them. The women at this conference only had one purpose: they want Christian women to know the mercy, love and healing they have experienced by the grace of God.

It was just so refreshing and powerful, these women being so vulnerable with us and willing to share some of the darkest parts of their lives and how God met them there.

One other thing Sheila Walsh shared that I want to touch on right now: her wounding as a child from the experience with her father's brain trauma and mental illness caused an emotional wounding in her that led to a battle with mental illness herself. She is now very open about talking about it and sharing it, and I was very affected by a story she told about her first night in the psychiatric hospital. Because of where she was at emotionally and mentally, she was on suicide watch the first night and a nurse would come and check on her every 10-15 minutes. She didn't sleep in the bed in her room that night, she just grabbed the blanket and curled up in the corner. Around 3am she heard someone stop by the room again, but it had happened so many times already she just assumed it was the nurse checking in her rounds again. She didn't realize this visit was different until she saw a man's feet in front of her and felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up, she didn't recognize him, but she didn't think much of that as it was her first night there. But then he handed her a stuffed animal - a lamb. He then walked toward the door to leave, but before leaving turned back to her and said "Sheila, I just want you to know that your Shephard knows where to find you."

Sheila shared that she was at that hospital for several months, and she never saw that man again. She is convinced that that man was an angel.

I'll continue to process the experience over the next several days (and maybe weeks), and I'll continue to blog about it. What Luci Swindoll (yes, sister of Chuck Swindoll) had to say especially spoke to me personally. I'll try to share more of that specifically tomorrow. I'm also hoping to get some of the books by these women and I'll continue to write here about my processing through them as well.

Joel

2010-01-27T14:47:00.005-06:00

I friend of mine, someone my fiance went to college with, just posted this on his blog this morning:

Relax, this won't hurt.

It's a suicide note. Please, anyone who reads this, pray for Joel. I've been through this before, I don't want to see another mother lose her son this way.

I wrote two pretty harsh notes to him, hoping if he sees them he'll change his mind. That's all I want, I just want him to change his mind. Oh I pray someone gets to him before he does this. Please Lord, please!

Thank you to everyone that prayed. It was too late though. Please keep Joel's family in prayer, his mother especially. Joel's dad died when he was young, and he had no siblings. Thankfully his extended family is very close, but she could use all the prayer she can get.

Joel, we miss you.

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!

2009-10-13T10:33:00.010-05:00

I'm so incredibly happy, and so is Christopher.

We met on eHarmony in October of 2007, and started dating in May 2008. Sometime last year we were at a Walden Books browsing the children's book section - one of my favorite pastimes - and while looking at the Sandra Boynton books I found one called Your Personal Penguin. So you can get the idea of the book, here's a video of Davy Jones of The Monkeys putting the book to music.

After reading it, I said offhand that it would be a really cute way for someone to propose to someone, and then I eventually forgot about it. But Christopher didn't.

Christopher and I both love animals, and we like going to zoos, especially the Omaha Zoo. I didn't know why, but Christopher had been trying to get me to Omaha Zoo since September 12th. We had gone to a Cubs game on September 11th, so I was really tired and talked him into staying home the next day.....*head smack*

He finally got me there this past Saturday however, and after seeing the rainforest, the butterfly house, the cat house, the desert, the nocturnal exhibit, the bears and the aviary, we made our way over to the aquarium - our mutually favorite part - to see the penguins. My feet were hurting so I had already suggested that we sit for a while to watch the penguins, and of course Christopher agreed. We sat for a few minutes, during which time Christopher later told me he was waiting to see if the other people who were there were going to leave. (They didn't, but that's ok, I ended up being much too preoccupied to even realize other people were there.) Christopher couldn't wait anymore eventually though - I'd inadvertently already made him wait a month - and saying "by the way, hun" he got down on one knee in front of me and pulled out a little penguin book with the ring inside of it and asked me to be his "penguin pal." It took me about 30 seconds to process what was going on, as I had been expecting that he would be waiting until after Thanksgiving. Once I understood though, I started crying. And of course I said yes.

My ring is SO BEAUTIFUL. And it's the one I wanted too! Several months ago we had been talking about rings and he asked me what I wanted. It's really good we talked about it too, because I didn't want a diamond. I knew that if he were to get me a diamond, the only thing he would be able to afford would be a simple solitaire. And I REALLY don't like solitaire rings. I wanted an opal, surrounded by small diamonds. (What girl still doesn't want something sparkly?) So we started searching online, and I found one from a company called Flash Opal based out of Australia. It was almost 2 whole sizes smaller than my ring size though, and I thought it wouldn't be possible to resize it to my finger. I really like it though, so I showed it to Christopher and told him "something like this." Once he was ready to get the ring, he contacted the people at Flash Opal about a different similar ring, but there was an issue with it's quality or something, so they suggested another ring - the one I loved in the first place! They told him the gold was a really good quality and that they'd be able to resize it to my finger. So I got the one I wanted after all!! Below are some of the pictures of the ring from the website, but I have to tell you they DO NOT do the ring justice. Nothing can compare to seeing in person the way the opal changes color as I move it, and the way it reacts to different light and being wet and of course how it looks on my finger. :)

Christopher and I are planning on a early September wedding next year, so I'll keep people posted!!

According to the info we received from the people at Flash Opal, the weight of the opal is approximately 1.2ct, it's colors are electric lime green and blue, it's pattern is floral/roll, it's quality is flawless, and it's brightness - judged on a scale of 1-5 - is 5+++. It's such an amazing ring!!!! AND I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Choosing a Name

2009-06-18T19:28:00.003-05:00

I'm choosing a name for my main character in my new story right now, and at the moment I'm trying to decide between Marit, Liv and Karina. Marit means Pearl, Liv means My God is a vow, and Karina means Pure. They are all Scandinavian in origin, as my heroine is Scandinavian as well. Below I have the descriptions given by the Kabalarians website regarding the meanings of these three names. I know I can make my character whatever I want, but seeing descriptions like this is entertaining, and does help me make my decision.

Marit

* Your first name of Marit has given you a studious nature, and the ability to concentrate on whatever you are doing.

* You could excel in mathematics or in positions where persistence, independence, and individuality are required.

* In personal associations, a lack of finesse in verbal expression often creates misunderstandings with others, especially with those close to you, because you find it difficult and embarrassing to express depth of feeling when situations arise requiring diplomacy, understanding, and affection.

* Although the name Marit creates the urge to be original and self-reliant, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses heart, lungs, bronchial area, and tension or accidents to the head.

Liv

* Your name of Liv creates a very sensitive, inspirational, and idealistic nature.

* You have an appreciation for all the fine and beautiful things in life, and could excel in music, art, drama, or literary undertakings, where you could find an expression for your deeper feelings that you would not find otherwise.

* As a result of your love of the out-of-doors, you would experience the most peace and harmony out in the quiet of nature.

* Your sensitive nature causes you to lack self-confidence, and to withdraw from arguments or turmoil, as any discord reflects quickly through your nervous system.

* Although the name Liv creates idealism and the urge to help others, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the nervous system, heart, lungs and bronchial area.

Karina

* Your first name of Karina has given you a friendly, likeable nature, and you could excel in artistic, dramatic, and musical expression.

* With this name, you desire the finer things in life, but you do not always have the resolve and vitality to put forth the effort necessary to fulfil your desires.

* Your emotional feelings are easily affected and you will always be involved in other people's problems as a result of your overly sympathetic nature.

* Though the name Karina creates the urge to understand and help people, we draw to your attention that it causes an emotional intensity and sensitivity that is hard to control.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid and nervous system.

I have also already decided on the hero's name, who I have christened Richard. (I don't have any last names yet.) For fun, here's the Kabalarian report for the name Richard.

* The name of Richard gives you a very individual, reserved, serious nature.

* You prefer to be alone with your own thoughts, rather than in the company of others.

* This name restricts spontaneity in association and the fluency of your verbal expression.

* When you are required to express yourself in personal matters requiring finesse and diplomacy, you feel awkward and embarrassed.

* Although you realize perfectly well what is expected of you, you are unable to find the right words, and hence you end up saying something inappropriate in a candid way.

* You can express your deeper thoughts and feelings best through writing.

* While the name Richard creates the urge to be creative, independent and original, we point out that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a tendency to be moody.

* This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses heart, lungs, bronchial area, and tension or accidents to the head.

First of all, I LOVE the description of Richard. That's pretty much exactly how I imagined him. (He's a man in his mid-thirties, and he's an English professor at small, private liberal arts school.)

As far as the heroine goes, I think I like the name Liv the best. I was originally going to go with Marit, but I think Liv probably fits the character better.

It might seem silly to work so hard on figuring out the name, but until now I'd been using the name "Jenny," simply because it was the first thing that popped into my head when I started writing. But I don't think that name fits the character at all, so when I write, that's all I can think about instead of developing the story. Now I'll be able to concentrate and write much better, having decided on a name that I'm very happy with.

Update:

Heroine: Liv Victorson
Hero: Richard Ahlberg

Word of the Day - Short Shrift

2009-06-18T18:19:00.002-05:00

Here's the Word of the Day. I'll be using the word in my fiction writing later today. I'm hoping to finish my first chapter in my first real attempt at Christian Romance. I'll post something commentative about something here later.

The Word of the Day for June 18, 2009 is:
short shrift • \SHORT-SHRIFT\ • noun

1 : barely adequate time for confession before execution

2 *a : little or no attention or consideration
b : quick work

Example Sentence:
Parents are complaining that, due to recent budget cuts, physical education and arts programs have been given short shrift in the local schools.

Did you know?
The word "shrift" is an archaic noun referring to the confession or absolution of sins. These days, "shrift" is rarely encountered on its own, but it does keep frequent company with "short" in the phrase "short shrift." The earliest known use of the phrase comes from William Shakespeare's play Richard III, in which Lord Hastings, who has been condemned by King Richard to be beheaded, is told by Sir Richard Ratcliffe to "Make a short shrift" as the king "longs to see your head." Shakespeare uses this phrase quite literally ("keep your confession short"), but since at least the 19th century the phrase has been used figuratively to refer to a small or inadequate amount of time or attention given to something.

Word of the Day - Preeminent

2009-06-17T05:34:00.003-05:00

Courtesy of Merriam Webster Online.

The Word of the Day for June 17, 2009 is:
preeminent • \pre-EM-uh-nunt\ • adjective

: having paramount rank, dignity, or importance : outstanding, supreme

Example Sentence:
Carrie considered herself lucky to have one of the country’s preeminent novelists as her writing professor.

Did you know?
What is noteworthy about the following sentence? "Mount McKinley is a prominent eminence in the Alaskan landscape." You very likely recognized two words that are closely related to "preeminent" -- "prominent" and "eminence." All three words are rooted in the Latin verb stem "-minēre," meaning "to stand out." But did you note as well the related word "mount"? Not too surprisingly, "-minēre" is related to "mons," the Latin word for "mountain." That relationship leads us in turn to "paramount," a word closely related in meaning to "preeminent."

I haven't the time or the energy at the moment to try to delve into something new, so I'm just going to go ahead and bring back an old topic; I'll be approaching it a different way, but I think it's about time I resolve this for myself.

Several months ago, I wrote this post in response to an unrest I was feeling, an obligation to stay informed of what I had attempted to involve myself in, and then a subsequent confusion based on what I had read.

The first section of quotations, starting with Tozer and ending with Jeremy Meyers, are all related. Going back and re-reading that post has changed my perception a bit. I still agree with who I agreed with before, but I find the section by Jim Henderson rather condescending to Brian, who I believe shared the thought by Tozer. Jeremy's response in my opinion was very gracious. Agreeing with Jim, thanking him for the insights, but not attacking Brian in the process. Again, I agree with Jim, it's just seems to me that he may have written that a little too hastily and too emotionally. I don't know how God used what he said, I obviously wasn't bothered by his tone the first time I read it so maybe Brian wasn't offended either. (Though the reason I wasn't bothered probably has something to do with the fact that I was also upset with Brian for whatever it was he wrote to Jeremy that also got Jim upset.)

Strangely enough, the next quotation, by Tim Nichols ties in rather nicely with this. It's a different subject matter being addressed, but perhaps Tim's insights could lead us to understanding of the previous issue. Tim's exact quotation states "Because if we want to avoid similar decades-long battles in other areas — like, say, over the exact content that one must believe to be saved — then it is helpful to see what our brothers have done wrong (and what they have done right) in past conflicts." I was thinking about the conundrum of passing blame. What about when other people pass blame? Do we then get all puffed up and blame them for being blamers? At the same time, it is important to distinguish between truth and falsity; that's one thing I know the Word makes very clear. What Tim said I believe gives another possibility. Don't beat yourself up for being emotionally affected by a differing opinion from another person, but still change the way you respond to it. Don't treat them in kind, if their actions are what bother you, acknowledge to yourself what you think, what you see, and approach it as a learning situation. Then it becomes less personal, and you tempt yourself less to treating the brother or sister with anything less than love.

As for the other two quotations I copied, I honestly don't remember what I thought about them before. I know why I included them, they made me think - and they still do - but I don't remember what it was I was wanting to say about them so I'm not going to bother with it now.

Looking back at this post is something I feel I can really learn from. I mentioned that the post was a result of my attempting to stay involved with something I felt obligated to participate in. I do remember very clearly though that this attempt brought me only confusion and unrest, not joy or growth. At the beginning of my blog journey, I needed to get involved in some of the more difficult discussions going on between individuals in my former spiritual environment and those they disagreed with. It was still something that greatly affected my thoughts and my day to day life, so I didn't feel at peace not getting involved, or at least being informed. I don't regret that. What I do regret is then not being able to move on when I needed to. These issues between these parties have caused much discord among the brethren and are to be taken seriously, I'm not going to avoid or ignore them now; but I'm no longer going to let them take the preeminent role in my spiritual thoughts and conversations with others. There are other things God has called me for, other things He wants me to concentrate on. I left the church I grew up in because I could no longer attend there and continue to grow; I was being spiritually stilted and it was hurting an otherwise growing relationship with my Heavenly Father. I need to remember that, and apply that truth with everything in my life once and if it starts negatively affecting my relationship with Him.

New Blog- Eruanna Melda's Romance

2009-06-17T05:22:00.003-05:00

First off, (and this is directed at you Christopher,) don't laugh at the name. Go to the blog, read the introduction pages and then you can laugh at me.

I haven't written anything yet, story wise, but I'm going to. I think it's high time I finally started utilizing Write or Die.

I've also been highly challenged by a newcomer to my blog, for which I am very grateful. Constructive criticism from fellow writers is just not emphasized as important enough anymore. Or maybe people just aren't willing to be honest with people regarding what they think. (Or they're too honest, and attack those they disagree with rather than being constructive.)

So, as my first step of showing my gratitude for the welcomed critique, I will be posting a "Word of the Day" every day possible, and using it in a post someway that relates to the title of this blog. I think it's about time I paid attention to that again.

If anyone else has anything to say, either here or any of my fiction blogs, (because there are more to come,) please, don't hesitate, I welcome it.

Update: I used Write or Die this morning for 10 minutes, and I got over 500 words written. Amazing how quickly the words of a story will come to you when you're forced to just write. I'm going to be using it again tonight, hopefully for an hour or two total, and the goal is to get a chapter published on the new blog before I go to bed.

Writing Christian Romance: I really want to. But can I?

2009-06-16T03:46:00.003-05:00

I've been feeling very conflicted lately. And I know that right now I can't sleep. Way too much on my mind. I feel guilty...but at the same time, if I went to bed I would just toss and turn. I might as well try to get something productive done. Some people might not think writing on a blog as something that is productive, but for me it is. I function so much better mentally when I'm exercising my brain through writing. It helps me get so much off my mind, and often helps me find peace with the things I struggle with. Often when I write it's kinda like a prayer, because a lot of the time I'm directing what I'm writing to God.

One reason I've found the thought of writing stories so overwhelming lately is because I've approached it as if in order to write a story or a book or a novel that encourages and speaks to people, I need to understand completely whatever it is I want to write about. I feel like I need to "have all the answers" for whatever the subject is. There aren't many things right now that I can say that I understand, or that I can explain to other people. But I still have that DESIRE to help others who struggle with things that I struggle with. I don't have the courage as of yet to share ALL my struggles, hopefully that will change someday, but I have to start somewhere.

I read something though on Francine Rivers' website a month or so ago that changed that perspective for me. She said that every book she writes begins as a QUESTION she is asking God. I've been thinking a lot about that. It suddenly seems strange to me that I wanted to write stories for reasons that would never occur to me to be acceptable reasons to talk to people. Do I want to help other people, if God leads me to someone that He has equipped me to help? Of course. But I don't view other Christians solely as people that I need to help. That would be very condescending of me. I view other Christians as people that I want to fellowship with, people that I want to grow closer to God with. If through that I end up helping someone who is struggling, wonderful. But the fellowship, the sharing of a common love, a common purpose, is the goal. The focus is the living and the acting out in truth the Life of the Body that God has called us to, that He has made us for.

Obviously, writing won't be exactly the same as fellowship, as it is usually a solitary exercise, versus a corporate one. But why was my purpose focused on what I could do for others? If that's my focus, I'm going to do more harm than good when I try. If I want to be an encouraging member of God's Body through my writing, He needs to be my focus. I want my writing to be another exercise, another way of my getting to know Him better. Yes, my blog writing is already something that I view that way, but why not my stories? I don't need to have any answers, I don't need to be an expert on a spiritual issue in order to write about it. I just need to begin with a question, a desire to understand something that I don't understand, a yearning to be lead by God to His truth. If that is what drives my writing, and not me trying to have all the answers - which is ultimately just a symptom of me trying to please others - then I will take so much unneeded and harmful pressure off my shoulders, grow closer to God, and maybe even encourage others in the process.

So, Christian Romance. It's on my heart, on my conscience. I believe I can do it. I believe at the very least I can write stuff better than most of what I've seen out there lately. (Of course with the exception of Francine Rivers. If I could ever develop my writing enough to come even close to her talent, that would more than I would ever ask for.) And this isn't a vanity on my part, honestly. I just can't believe some of the stuff that gets published. It doesn't matter how good your story is if you don't develop your characters. If your characters aren't developed, if what they do doesn't seem realistic, then you dehumanize them and they become impossible to relate to. The greatest story in the world, the most elegent prose, is ruined if the characters don't make sense.

Honestly, I kinda want to write those online "webisodes" that I update one to a couple times a week, where people can comment, tell me what they think, and it would be a good developmental exercise for me I think. I don't want to stay with that, I would love to be published someday and have real books with paper and ink sitting on bookstore shelves, but the internet is a very valuable tool that I can use to my advantage - kind of a impromtu education - learning what works and what doesn't, what I need to work on, how I can improve, and what it is I'm capable of. I've tried those writing communities in the past, and they're fun for a while, but that's kind of overwhelming too. It's way too easy to get distracted by what others have written, or to get discouraged because no one comments on what you have written. Of course, I don't know if people will comment on what I'll write this way either, but I think I have a better chance at receiving constructive critism.

So...now I just need to figure out how to build a website where I can do that. I'm not going to invest money yet, so I need one of those free sites. I really love Blogger for blogging, but I think I'm going to try Wordpress. I tried it before for The Chronicles of Jane that quickly died out, but I think that was because I focused too much on the formating rather than the writing. Who cares how pretty my site is if I only write two chapters?

Oh, one more thing. Even though writing is usually a solitary exercise, and I'm not going to try those writing communities anymore, that doesn't mean that a community of other writers isn't important. I don't want to throw myself into building that community any more than I want to completely distract myself by the logistics of writing, but the rest of tonight before I go to bed I'm going to dedicate to finding other people like me: Christian Romance authors who at least talk about their writing, if not share it, online. I don't know if I'll find anything, but I'm going to try.

UPDATE: I've found some good stuff. By far the most encouraging site I've found as far as giving me other options goes is New Christian Voices.

One thing I just found made my jaw hit the floor...wasn't exactly what I was thinking I was going to find. It's an online resource index called Biblical Counsel: Resources for Renewal. The reason I stumbled upon it was because of this page on Christian Fiction. This statement - or disclaimer - is at the top of the page:

"We see no precedent in Scripture for fiction, either Christian fiction or secular novels. Time spent reading fiction is time lost from learning more scriptural truth with the finite amount of time we are given. However, if the mind is fatigued and needs rest and recreation, then do choose Christian biography or Christian fiction over the novel, over the theater, and over the media. Remember the Jesuits have always used the theater, and now Hollywood, to influence the masses with their heretical message."

I'm not sure who the people are that have published this resource guide, and frankly I don't think I'll be visiting this site anytime soon, but they do have a link to some George MacDonald fiction on the page to their credit.

Funny Owl

2009-05-30T02:07:00.004-05:00

Maybe it's because I'm REALLY REALLY tired, but I think this picture is hilarious.

Thanks for putting up with my silliness. Better update tomorrow if I get to the computer before 1am....

My Future and Past

2009-05-23T21:46:00.003-05:00

Looking at the picture I didn't realize until now was still the header to my blog, it is very tempting to go straight away to Photobucket to make a new one. But then I wouldn't follow through on my decision to write today. (I'm a professional procrastinator. But wait...you probably already know that.)

I've been rather restless lately. Everytime I feel the itch to write, I find I have no idea what to say, which is dissatisifying enough as to prevent me from actually writing. I miss school. I miss longing for time to write whatever I want instead of what's required of me on a class syllabus. But, it's going to be a while until I have the chance or financial opportunity to go back to school. Unless I start taking online courses from a community college. Just to get some Gen. Eds. done. If I do that, I'm going to avoid taking any English classes. English is my chosen major, and if I can get as many Gen. Eds. done as possible before I enroll fulltime in school again, that means I'll have that much more time and opportunity for English classes than I would otherwise. That way I also can take advantage of everything the English department at the school I end up going to has to offer. (I didn't take any English classes when I went to Grinnell either. It took me until AFTER I'd left to realize that English was the perfect major for someone like me who loves reading and writing......)

As of right now, I'm looking at both The University of MN - Main U, and The University of Iowa in Iowa City. They are both very good schools, but I'm hoping to go to The University of Iowa because they have one of the best if not THE best English Departments in the nation. A lot depends on the fact that I'm in a serious relationship though. And right now my priority is not school, but moving to Des Moines so that Christopher and I can FINALLY NOT be a long-distance relationship couple.

I went to the Grinnell graduation this last Monday. It was the Class of 2009, the class I was supposed to be apart of. It was hard for me, even though I was so happy to see all my friends there graduate. About half-way through the day the sadness hit me, about how what was supposed to be MY day, the day I had been looking forward to since before I even graduated from high school, I was in the position of bystander. Don't get me wrong, I know that my choosing to leave Grinnell because of how crazy my life had become, (as well as the fact that I think I would have gone crazy under stress if I hadn't left,) I still wish leaving hadn't been necessary. Except for my salvation and Christopher, Grinnell was the best thing that ever happened to me. It's an experience I will always cherish, and something I never want to lose hold of.

Encouraging Notes From a Relative

2009-04-10T13:11:00.002-05:00

I know an update is due, especially since my life has been able to slow down quite a bit in the last few weeks, but first I want to share something that I read on my cousin Dave's blog today. He and his twin brother, Karl, own a photography studio, and Dave's blog is really fun to look at because of all the photos he posts on it. (Karl also has a great website with photos. My absolute favorites are definitely from when David and his wife Rachel spent several months doing mission work in China, and Karl went to visit them at one point. The China pictures are BEAUTIFUL.)

But anyway, this post that Dave wrote really encouraged me. Here's a quotation:

Something I’ve been experiencing lately is a change in my relationship with God. I’ve realized that I’ve always had this legalistic, contractual view of my relationship with Him. If I do this or that He will give me eternal salvation…right? How pointless is that? And yet a lot of the Christian community is trapped into this type of relationship without even knowing it.

We were not created to live a contractual relationship with God. We were created to experience a relationship with him. God is not confined inside the Church walls or the Bible, he is everywhere, in all good things and I want to experience Him as such.

Check out the rest of the post here, and check out the photography too if you want.

Morning Update

2009-03-18T08:22:00.003-05:00

Once again, it has been a VERY long time since I updated my blog, but I'm not going to apologize this time. I wish I could, I wish I had an invalid excuse, because then that would probably mean I would have written here much sooner. The fact is I have just been too incredibly busy.

Basically my life has been filled by work and by caring for my siblings, along with the occasional much needed foray and mini-vacation to Iowa to visit my boyfriend, Christopher. My mother is attending the MN State Trooper Training Academy at the moment, though she only has 2 1/2 weeks left, and I have been helping her by living and caring for my siblings while she's away during the week. (I've had a lot of help though.) My job has kept me even busier, which is unfortunately something that has led me to some bitterness, but I'm hoping that situation will resolve itself soon. I accepted the position of babysitter/nanny for a 9-month-old baby boy a few months ago, and I really enjoy the job, but I've been - in my opinion - overworked. I informed the woman who hired me - who is a single mother - that my siblings were my first priority, and if she hired me, it would need to stay that way. She said she understood, and I believe she did, and I believe she had good intentions, but her job is such that keeps her at work for many hours a day, so I was working on average 60 hours a week. I tried several times to work things out where Joey, (the baby,) would come with me to my house in the evening so I could be there with my siblings as well, but even that wasn't working. I finally got up the courage to approach my employer with the problems I've been having and explained to her that because of what she has asked of me I have had no time to address hardly anything else in my life. Yes, I greatly enjoy taking care of her son, but I can't do it well if I'm exhausted all the time and completely stressed about everything else in my life.

She understood, and is right now looking for another person to split the 60+ hours a week with me that she needs covered. I just think she didn't realize, didn't even think about the fact that so many hours a week isn't acceptable for someone who has so many other responsibilities. She said that her career has always kept her working that much a week her whole life, so I think she just didn't realize it. I'm still a little bit frustrated that I was the one that needed to explain that to her, but she set to work right away looking for another babysitter to hire so I'm feeling at peace about the situation right now. Even if it doesn't work out, because she might just find someone who's willing to take all the hours and then I might be out of a job, I'll be ok. I'm confident in my decision and in my efforts to make this job work, so it won't feel like failing if it doesn't.

God has been doing some wonderful things in my life regardless, and hopefully soon I'll be able to start writing about them. I have learned SO MUCH about myself and what my weaknesses are and what kind of mother I want to be through this experience; and I'll always be happy that I took this job because of it, even though it's been stressful. I can honestly say that no other job has ever taught me so much. I stated on my childcare resume that I believe taking care of children to be "the most rewarding thing anyone can do." It's so true, and I've realized it to be true in more than one way.

Well, I'm still working the original hours for this week, so I need to go call a cab to pick me up. I usually take the bus, but too many accidents this morning in the house kept me from getting out the door in time.

More updates coming soon. May my Father give me strength and patience today.

"Cooperative Altruism"

2009-01-14T08:52:00.002-06:00

I will be getting to commenting on my previous post, but first, I would like to share something that I DO know exactly what I think about it, and I think it is incredibly cool. (And not just because my boyfriend wrote it.)

Christopher wrote a post yesterday about "Cooperative Altruism." It really encouraged me, and I like the way this idea is going. Here's a snippet of what he said that especially spoke to my heart and what I believe to be true about God and his love.

I believe that God did give us the ability to feel some high feeling from doing a marvelous act for someone else. If we do it just to get that feeling, we are in the wrong. But, to have that feeling is not wrong. We should doing good things to the point that we don't even notice that feeling because our minds will have been so set on the giving nature of God's love above, that we won't notice the change in our thinking--it will be already heavenly. God does good things for us without requiring us to return the favor. He helps us to do so in some ways (by loving, serving, following Him), but He loves us knowing we can't possibly do so. That is the true nature of altruism.

Read the rest of it; what do you think?

Quotations and Thoughts

2009-01-12T21:00:00.003-06:00

The following are quotations that have made me think, taken from blog posts I have read over the past few days. Some of them I agree with, some of them I disagree with, some I don't know what to think yet. I don't have the energy at the moment to elaborate on why they made me think, nor to take time to set out in writing my own opinions on the subjects. I will do so soon, hopefully tomorrow, but since I now have these thought-provokers in one place - meaning I won't forget them now - I think it would be good for me to sleep on my thoughts and pray about them before I start writing. I have a lot to say, and I have a lot of thoughts that will require me to write without the care of whether everyone who reads it will agree or not. Of course, my fervent desire is to write with humility and grace to all, I pray my Father censures my words where they will only offend and not edify, but I'm learning a lot about the need to be TRANSPARENT and HONEST.... another issue I need to write about.

Anyway, if you read this and have thoughts of your own, please share.

In order for God to use a man greatly He has got to hurt Him deeply

~ A.W. Tozer

If anything is heretical, it is Tozer’s quote - the only person God ever hurt deeply was himself on our behalf.

~ Jon Lee

“A post like this does grieve me…I did try to encourage you in the other thread over this crisis you are in or whatever you are going through, but please don’t blame the Lord”

Don’t blame the Lord because his feelings might be hurt?

Don’t blame the Lord because unlike us mere humans he is so touchy he won’t be able to understand your humanity?

Don’t blame the Lord because the religion known as Christianity has taught us that the most important thing is getting to heaven (and more importantly exacping Hell) Rather than following Jesus?

Jeremy is Brian sugegsting that you to try not to follow in the footsetps of our Lord and Master , The Living Word of God who in the Garden of Gethsemane modeled broken humanity and humility when he made himself so vulnearble he asked three mere humans to pray for him ( the same three who were about to deny him)

Also try to ignore most of the Psalms where David ( the adulterer, murderer AND man after Gods own heart (go figure) often told God how he doubted and wondered where he had gone.

This foolishness is where religion has gotten us - Free Jesus!!

~ Jim Henderson

Jim,

Wow. You may have just put into words what I’ve been thinking, but was unsure if it was safe to think.

I don’t “blame the Lord” but I do believe he could take it if I did. When we Christians are confronted by pain, fear, and doubt in our own lives, we feel like we have to bottle it all in and keep it hidden. When we run into similar pain in the lives of others, we feel like we have to remind them of spiritual platitudes and Bible verses rather than just let them express their pain and be there with them without judgment when they do.

Thanks for the comment.

~ Jeremy Myers

Because if we want to avoid similar decades-long battles in other areas — like, say, over the exact content that one must believe to be saved — then it is helpful to see what our brothers have done wrong (and what they have done right) in past conflicts.

~ Tim Nichols

People who have set healthy boundaries, who know what healthy boundaries look like and know how to maintain them, generally do not get used (by men, but they are indeed used by God). Claiming otherwise gives the false perception that the Word has no power to redeem from corruption those whom you are ministering to, who disagree with you. Claiming otherwise also gives the false perception that when a threat comes to you in the guise of goodness, you are not safe even with your knowledge of scripture, your resources of prayer and the faith you have in the promises of God for your protection.

It also sets up false-unity in the body of Christ because while the reality is that everyone disagrees with anyone else on some thing or another, no one is publicly known and accepted as such. The church is not safe for learning, for disagreeing, for testing, doctrine.

~ Michelle Painter

If an Egyptian who never heard of Christianity in his life were to read a scrap of paper containing John 6:47, the Egyptian would no doubt equate the guarantor of eternal life with Heqet, the frog goddess of life and fertility. Wikipedia affirms:

“When the Legend of Osiris and Isis developed, it was said that it was Heqet who breathed life into the new body of Horus at birth, as she was the goddess of the last moments of birth. As the birth of Horus became more intimately associated with the resurrection of Osiris, so Heqet's role became one more closely associated with resurrection. Eventually, this association lead to her amulets gaining the phrase I am the resurrection, and consequently the amulets were used by early Christians. Finally, as the legend of Osiris' resurrection grew increasingly stronger, she became ever more aligned with Isis, and eventually becoming an aspect of her.”

Nothing in John 6:47 would make a pagan reader think of the Biblical Jesus. The guarantor of eternal life would simply be understood as referring to whatever polytheistic god fit that description. In the case of the pagan Egyptian, the guarantor of eternal life would most closely align with Heqet, the frog goddess of life and fertility.

Wilkin's marooned man scenario and corresponding promise-only gospel simply illustrate that “A text without a context is a pretext.”

~Jonathan Perrault

Devozine Article Rough Draft ~ Grief

2008-11-24T16:59:00.002-06:00

First, to give an idea of what it is that I need to write, here are the guidelines put forward by Devozine.

WHAT IS THE PURPOSE?

Our purpose is to help youth develop a lifelong practice of prayer and spiritual reflection. devozine is designed to help readers grow in their faith and explore the relevancy of the Christian faith for the issues they face. Undergirded by scripture, devozine will aid youth in their prayer life, introduce them to spiritual disciplines, help them shape their concept of God, and encourage them in the life of discipleship.

WHAT IS devozine?
- A bimonthly, 80-page magazine for youth
- Written by youth and by adults who care about them
- Each issue focuses on eight or nine themes.
- Each theme includes weekday readings and weekend features, enough for two months.
- Meditations may be read in chronological or random order.
- Meditations may be expressed through scripture, prose, poetry, prayers, stories, songs, art, or photographs.
- Readers and writers include persons of many different denominations and cultures.

WHO WILL ENJOY IT?
- Youth ages 12-18 who seek personal devotional readings
- Youth groups who seek devotional reflections
- Adults who seek to understand youth spirituality

HOW DO I WRITE FOR THE PUBLICATION?
- Daily meditations should be 150-250 words long.
- Poetry and prayers should be short to moderate in length -- 10 to 20 lines.
- Think about the purpose of the meditation -- what do you want it to evoke in the reader?
- Style notes: Simply written (preferably in youth language), realistic and relevant to life experiences of youth, does not need to be overtly religious but should help to open youth to the life of faith that we all seek, inclusive of multicultural experiences
- Language guidelines: Try to use language that is non-sexist and inclusive of everyone (examples are words such as humankind, persons, or everyone instead of mankind or men in the familiar generic sense). We encourage the use of a wide range of biblical images for God.
- May include scripture verse or suggested text (state version of Bible used)
- May include a reflective element: brief prayers, quotes, reflection or journaling questions, action ideas, or other items. Prayers should use honest, straightforward, conversational language.

WHAT ARE SOME TIPS FOR DEVOTIONAL WRITING?
- Devotional writing should invite people to come closer to God.
- Devotional writing should tell about real experiences of real people who are struggling to apply their faith to daily life.
- Devotional writing should express only one main idea. It should leave one memorable image with the reader.
- Devotional writing should lead persons into further conversation with God after they finish reading the meditation.
- Your journal can be a great source of devotional writing because your journal records your real thoughts about your experiences.

See that last tip, that I underlined? Well, Lord knows I've written about grief enough here, let's see what I can find as inspiration from some of my past blog posts. (Obviously, I'll need to cut them down quite a lot of I use them. They're all quite a bit longer than 250 words.)

Also, here are the tips specific to writing about the "Good Grief" theme.

good grief

- When in my life have I experienced grief or loss? What feelings or stages did I go through? Did any of these feel good? How has time eased my pain?
- When have I been grateful for the ability to cry? When have tears been a blessing? a release?
- When have I been tempted to ignore my grief or to pretend I was not grieving? What happens when I bury these feelings or refuse to deal with them? Who or what helped me to realize that it’s OK to grieve?
- When has a painful time of letting go or of leaving something behind led to a new opportunity, such as moving from the house in which I grew up or going off to college?
- When through the death of someone close to me have I begun to understand the natural cycle of life, as when leaves die in autumn and fall from the trees, but after a long winter, new buds sprout to re-create beautiful foliage?
- When have I found a blessing in the experience of loss? How have I sensed God’s presence with me through the pain and the tears?

From Suffering And Thanksgiving, November 22, 2007:

"No, suffering isn't enjoyable, but my spiritual joy can still remain constant, because if I respond to my Heavenly Father's love while in my suffering, He will then draw me closer, revealing to me more about Himself and what He did for me. Once I completely trust Him and place my suffering in His hands, I will then be able to accept the gift of peace He has waiting for me, because He is then my focus, and not the pain in my heart."

"I have so much to be thankful for. Not because my life is perfect, but because my Father is faithful. My Abba will never leave me or forsake me. He desires me to rest in the fullness of His embrace, and find peace and supernatural joy in my suffering, as I begin to understand His Son in His suffering as we stand face to face."

From Grief: A Study ~ Part 1, December 10, 2007:

"Grief. What has it meant to me in my life? Is the issue that it caused me pain? No, that is not the issue. Nor are the specifics that caused my pain the issue. The issue is how it changed me.

I need to show how it changed me for the worst in the beginning, and that change kept me captive in a pit. It turned me....not against, but away from my Heavenly Father. I lost my trust in Him. Not my trust in His Son for eternal life, but my trust that He is able to do "exceedingly abundantly" above anything I would ever dream to be possible. I also didn't understand that this ability of His, this power, has more to do with inner transformation on my part than a changing of outward circumstances."

"No matter where you are in life, no matter what you're going through, no matter what decisions you have made or what things you have done, you are LOVED. By a powerful, but gentle, Father, who desires NOTHING more than drawing you closer to Him.

This is my comfort, and the reason I can thank God for everything that happened to me, because I know now that it happened for a reason. It was all a part of God's wonderful plan to bring me to Himself. He didn't orchestrate the pain, much of it was my Enemy doing His best to keep me from seeing my Father's face, to keep me from reading the love He has for me in His eyes, from His Word. But though it was meant for evil, God turned it to good, and I am His vessel, willing to be used in whatever way He sees fit, to His glory, to proclaim His love, to show His majesty in the miracles He worked in me."

From Grief: A Study ~ Part 2, December 18, 2007:

"If anyone knew about grief, it was King David, and he experienced it throughout his life in almost every way imaginable. Pay attention to the way he describes the state of his soul, of his spirit in these verses. "My soul cleaves to the dust.....My soul weeps because of grief."

Have you ever gone through something in your life where you felt like you couldn't get back up? Like you'd been pushed down too many times? Was there ever a pain so strong you could hardly bear it? That is the picture David is painting here; he knew what it was like to have that kind of pain.

Like David, every single person on the planet goes through grief and hard times. Some experience it more than others it's true, but I have learned that there is more than one way that grief can appear in a persons life. A lot of the time, it happens through situations we can't control, like the loss of someone we care about, or through the workings of our Enemy as he tries to get our eyes of our Father. Just think about Job. He was a Godly man, and loved the LORD, but God still permitted a lot of horrible things to happen to Him. Did this mean that God did not love Job? Of course not. I think He loved Job enough to let them happen, because they ultimately brought Job even closer to his Father, and brought him more understanding. Look to Psalm 119 again; what does David say, right after expressing the pain in his soul? "My soul cleaves to the dust; Revive me according to Your Word....My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to Your word." David knew that what he needed was not for the pain to go away, but for God's will to be done, which always, no matter the circumstance, is that we draw closer to the Father, that we trust His commandments, trust His Word, and only look to Him and His truth for sustinance."

"Simply put, when we choose our own way over God's way, no matter how much pleasure it might bring us at first, it will always end in grief. God can allow us to run the way of emotional destruction, and we hit obstacles and trials as consequences of our sin. For me, God knew that I needed to hit rock bottom, and then continue to dig my pit deeper, before I would realize what I needed in Him. A lot of the grief I experienced in my life was simply me reaping the fruit of the seeds of neglecting the Spirit within me. I kept on turning away from Him, so He chose to let me hit hard and fast, thankfully, before I did any more damage to myself or anyone else."

From A New Year and Grief: A Study ~ Part 3, January 2, 2008:

Following writing out the story of what I went through when I lost a friend to suicide, I wrote:

"The knowledge that everything is always under God's control was something I had been taught my whole life, but this was the first time I had ever claimed that truth for my own in order to comfort me through the strength and love of the Holy Spirit, to give me strength to bear the pain.

The night afer I found out, I was sitting at the computer, just playing solitaire, trying to get my mind off of things, and I had some music from the Gaither Vocal Band playing as well. As I sat there, I couldn't help but think about what had happened, about what I had learned, and I started crying again; but silently, not the sobs they had been earlier.

As I cried, I started listening to the music that was playing, or more specifically listening to the words, and as they began to sink in, I realized something amazing.

The song "Let Freedom Ring" was playing, and for the first time, I realized that despite the song sounding like it was talking about freedom from sin, it was also talking about freedom of any kind, because that's how capable and powerful our God is. I started crying in earnest at that point, because I realized that despite the fact that I knew that my grief wasn't a bad thing, that God expected it, and even wanted it so that He could bring me closer to Him, it didn't have to keep me in bondage. Immediately, I felt wellsprings of joy bubbling up inside my soul, completely seperate from the pain and grief in my heart.

That joy did not come from me, it was the Holy Spirit within me giving me His joy, keeping me from despair despite the horrible pain in my heart.

This truth is something that I have clung to ever since, because now I know that truly, I can be content, and even filled with God's supernatural joy, no matter whatever cirumstance I am in, no matter how grieved I am, no matter how much pain I am experiencing. He is always faithful, and His power can cut through any chain.

Dear believers, do not let past hurts and wrongs and griefs keep you from experiencing the love and joy of the Father. For that, along with anything that keeps us from drawing closer to Him, is bondage. That love and joy is always there, just waiting for us to accept it, so we can experience the freedom and blessings our Heavenly is just waiting to give us, and give us abundantly."

Well, at least I have a lot of material to work with now.

Zane Hodges

2008-11-24T15:05:00.002-06:00

Even though I haven't written very much about it since I started my blog over a year ago, I have been very aware over the past year of the issues involving and within the free-grace movement. I was shocked and surprised to learn that Zane Hodges, the author of the book Absolutely Free!, the book that has caused such a stir in the Duluth camp, passed away and went to be with the Lord over the weekend.

I don't know very much about the man personally, and I haven't read any of his books - though I've been meaning too - but I have a great respect for his ministry and I know he will be greatly missed.

Please see this article at the GES blog.

My first thoughts are thankfulness that Zane Hodges is with the Savior he loves, and that he is no longer in danger of being grieved and discouraged by the divisions amongst us. May we all remember to Whom we belong, and HIS work to which He has called us. May we all love each other and treat each other with kindness and gentleness, making the unity of entire Body of Christ our priority, not proving ourselves right and other brothers and sisters wrong.

Freelancing

2008-11-23T15:15:00.002-06:00

The past several weeks have been alternately busy and stressful for me, as I'm trying to secure a second job on top of the one I have at the convention center here in Duluth. I'll be moving to Iowa by February Lord willing, and I need a second job so I can become MUCH more financially stable and able to support myself while settling down in a new apartment in a new town. I've been putting in applications, which I'll be checking on now in this new week, as well as putting in new ones in other positions I've found to be open. However today I'm exploring again something that I've desired to do for quite a long time - freelance writing.

Devozine, by The Upper Room is a devotional magazine for teens that is 90% freelanced by both teenagers and adults who want to minister to them. I've known about this opportunity to pursue for a while, but I as of yet have not seriously pursued it for one reason or another. (Mostly laziness if I'm going to be honest.)

A second opportunity I discovered today, and I'm going to try it out, though I'm not sure how well it will actual produce monetary returns.

On my facebook page the ads most frequently displayed are those geared toward blogging and freelance writing for pay. Most of these ads are pretty much scams, requiring the writer to pay a membership fee before giving assignments to write. But I saw one today that is absolutely free and pretty much like a blog. It's called Hubpages, and it uses GoogleAdSense and other third party ads to bring revenue to the Hubber. You can have multiple Hubpages for writing on different specific topics, but I only have one for the moment to see how much I like it and how well it works. There's a box further down on this page that will link to my Hubpage, so if anyone wants to look at it and tell me what they think I'd of course appreciate it.

For now though, I'm going to focus on writing something to submit to the Devozine, and I'm going to post here the possible topics that I could write on and turn in by the December 1st deadline. Later today hopefully, I'll write a rough draft on at least one of the topics.

September/October 2009

[Deadline: 12/1/08]

in your shoes
can you say no?
bullied
good grief
like Christ
learning differently
i believe...
my fab fam
eco-fashion

Getting Personal

2008-11-19T10:16:00.002-06:00

Anyone who knows me very well can tell you what my favorite thing to do is: read. I DEVOUR books, and during times that I can't make it to the library, I re-reading anything I can find on my bookshelf. In the past two weeks I have finished reading Watership Down, Shadow of the Hegemon, A Voice in the Wind, and An Echo in the Darkness. And each of those books was at least 350 pages.

As I said, I love reading, but there is something about myself when I read certain books that really annoys me. Sometimes, the books get very personal, and I don't like it. It's not very pleasant when I get angry at a character in the book I'm reading, and a few hours later when trying to figure out why I'm restless and crabby realizing it's because I'm taking the characters actions personally. THEY'RE JUST BOOKS FOR GOODNESS SAKE!

*sigh* It's only certain books though, and none of the books that I finished recently elicited that reaction from me. (Although that might be because I'd already read them all before. I haven't been to the library in a while.)

It's the book I'm reading right now that is getting under my skin. I was prowling all the nooks and crannies in our house for a new book to read - we have a TON of books in our house, as I'm not the only one with a reading problem - and I stumbled upon a Christian Fiction book in the middle of a pile that I didn't know we had, so I decided to try it. Like most Christian Fiction books, unfortunately, this one is a little wanting in the literary department, but the story is pulling me in despite the deficiencies in writing quality. It's titled Pearl, the second in a series by Lauraine Snelling about a small town in the Dakotah Territory in the 1880's. We don't have the first, so I've had to make some guesses about some of the main characters regarding what happened before this book, but the main character, Pearl, is completely new as far as I can tell. And SHE is the reason for my emotional quandary.

She lives in Chicago with her family, consisting of her Father, brother, step-mother and half-siblings. She's 22 years old, and she has a scar on her neck from a childhood accident. (And like all the other main characters in the book, she's of Norwegian decent. I know there are a lot of Norwegian decedents in the U.S., myself included, but it's a little coincidental that ALL the main characters in a book, divided between 4 cities, would be Norwegian. But anyway, that's not what's keeping me up at night.)

Pearl's father is very controlling. It didn't really bother me at first, because he wasn't any more controlling with Pearl that he was in any other area of his life, and it seemed to be just part of his character. Another reason why it didn't bother me, his character isn't very realistic. Not in the way that he does things and makes decisions and says things that don't make any sense, but the author hasn't given enough information to explain WHY he is the way he is, and therefore justify the character she's given him. If something doesn't seem realistic to me in a book, it won't become personal. Until the character does something so stupid and selfish and egotistical that I begin to fume.

I'll explain: Throughout the whole book so far, Pearl's father has been hoping for her to marry one of his employees, Mr. Longstreet, a widower moved to Chicago from Duluth, MN (who woulda thought) with five kids. Pearl isn't interested, because he's not her type, and she knows she couldn't love him, even though as a teacher she of course has a soft spot for his kids. This didn't bother me, because I already know - from the back cover - that she's eventually going to move to the little town in the Dakotah to teach in a schoolhouse there. I still know that's going to happen, but the situation has gotten a lot more complicated. As Pearl lives in her fathers house, and as she's a Christian, she takes obeying her father very seriously, even though it's hard for her because she has a hard time believing that he actually does still love her. So when her father tells her that she needs to agree to Mr. Longstreet's request to court her, she has no choice but to obey. This was a little annoying, but I was under the impression that if Mr. Longstreet proposed she would have the freedom to say no.

I was mistaken. Mr. Longstreet never even proposed to her! Her father gave a party at their home, of course Mr. Longstreet was there, and during the party Pearl's father gave an announcement that his daughter was engaged!!! I mean, come on!!!

Gah, I HATE it when women are trapped by what they believe to be right. Pearl's father has put his foot down and is FORCING his daughter into a marriage, without her even being given the right to hear a proposal from the man she's supposed to marry.

Writing this, I feel really silly for getting so worked up, but this is the kind of thing that does it. Pearl knows she needs to obey her father, but I can't help but feel that this ISN'T what God meant.

But then I get to thinking, just because arranged marriages aren't the social norm anymore, does that make her father wrong? In biblical times, most marriages were arranged marriages. If I had been born in the time of Abraham or Isaac or Jacob or David, I would have had no choice but to marry whomever my father chose for me. But then again, I would have grown up with the knowledge that that would be the case. In this book, Pearl is taken completely by surprise. I'm sure she was under the supposition that if she were to ever marry, it would be to a man of her own choosing, someone she would have time to get to know and fall in love with. I know this story is set 120 years ago, and that society was much stricter for women especially, but I still can't see how her father is right in demanding this of her. When Pearl goes to try to plead with her father, and asks if she may say something, he responds with "only if it is to say 'yes Father.' " I just don't understand....

*deep breath*

[/rant]

A Conversation

2008-11-17T00:53:00.004-06:00

~Child, daughter, beloved. You know I died for you, for your sins, to bring you to my Father. Why do you hold onto the failures that embarrass you the most? That make you feel the most unworthy of the love I've already given you freely of myself?

~Because I'm frightened.

~Of what?

~Of facing the truth. Of continuing to let myself down and let those down who love me. Of not becoming what I want to be.

~Has holding onto your sin helped?

~No. It just keeps getting worse. My circumstances never seem to change. Things on the surface fluctuate, but I still have the same weaknesses I fell to over and over again four years ago. It seems that everything I've learned in the past year has done nothing. I'm still clinging, looking for stories and ways to make my pen flow in ways pleasing to others.

~So... what does that mean?

~You know.

~Yes, but you need to know.

~I thought this was all about my knowing not helping anything.

~No, that's what you think it's about, that's just a symptom.

~A symptom of what?

~What did you write to your friend about with so much joy and conviction?

~Which part?

~Amanda....

~Everything is about you. And your love.

~You sound so enthusiastic.

~I wish I felt enthusiastic! I've felt so dead lately, or I fluctuate between deadness and guilt and pain. I'm either overwhelmed by my sins, or when I can get my mind off them because I know you don't want me to dwell on them, I still feel like there is something blocking my connecting to you. During the messages and the conversations and the letter writing I know all the answers and everything seems to fit together. But when I'm on my own, trying to reach you, I can't seem to get things to click together, to connect with what I know to be true.

I'm so tired, and it's so easy to just give everything up and try to forget about it when fatigue takes over and I sleep.

~Does that ever bring you peace? And do you really think that would be worth it?

~No....and no. It's just been my fall back plan so many times in my life that it's just too easy to fall back into....wait a minute. That's it. It's my pit.

~And child, what do you know about pits? Or better yet, what do you know about me and how I relate to pits and those who are in them?

~I know you're the only one who can get me out. I know I never want it to get as bad as it was before.

~And why did it get so bad before?

~Because I completely lost sight of you. Until it got so bad I only had you to look to.

~Beloved - and I love that that's what your parents named you, remember that. Your name - Amanda - really does mean the way I think and feel about you. My beloved Amanda, I am so thankful that you turned to me at that point, and I never felt anything except sorrow during the time I was waiting for you. Never anger, never disappointment. Just sorrow and yearning for you to let me draw near and introduce you to my Father and our truth and love. But child, I don't want you to have to wait that long to turn to me! I want you to choose me before it gets to the point where I'm the only option. I don't want you to lose the blessings you have let me give you because you get my priorities for you rearranged and out of place. I love you, let me give you everything.

NaNoWriMo!!!!!

2008-11-08T00:18:00.002-06:00

Yep, I know it's kinda bad that the last time I wrote here was when I discovered the NaNoWriMo competition....thing. I'm in the midst of it right now of course, and struggling, so I don't really have time to even THINK about my blog. I barely take the time to read my email. But I wanted to share this encouraging letter the NaNoWriMo authors were sent as one of the first-week celebrity pep-talks by author Jonathan Stroud. (I'd never heard of him before, but once this horrible month is over I'll have to check him out.) ...and no, it's not really that bad. It's hard, but so far I like my novel and the direction my novel is taking. If anyone reading this is by any chance interested, I'm writing my novel on my Livejournal account, then copy/pasting it to an Word document so I can get the word count. I'm not very far at the moment...my week 3 is going to be hell...but I'm determined to get through this. All you other NaNoWriMo's out there, I wish you luck! See you on the other side.

Jonothan Stroud Pep-Talk ~

Dear NaNoWriMo Author,

You could write a novel about the act of writing a novel. It's a heroic act. (Or so I tell myself as I sit here in my garret study, chewing my nails, scratching my nose and staring blankly at my screen. That's what this is, I say grimly: a heroic act.) Why is it so heroic? Because it fits the mythic pattern of all great legendary heroes' lives. It's the story of a mighty quest accepted, of a long journey undertaken, of insuperable obstacles overcome and finally—in your case after 30 painful days—of lasting triumph won. It would make a fine movie, apart from the scratching the nose bi t—probably starring Charlton Heston. Full of dramatic highs, dreadful lows and endless tedious bits when the audience goes out to make a cup of tea. It's an epic, all right, and we're all in it together.

Here's how it works for me. At the beginning there's a kind of honeymoon period, where I'm pretty excited by the idea in my head, and the possibilities it evokes. Sure there are a zillion details to be worked out later, and plenty of things that don't yet mesh, but that's ok—we've lots of time. I write the odd fragment and chuckle over the occasional piquant joke. I do a bit of research, visit museums wearing black roll-neck sweaters, scribble ideas down on napkins in coffee houses. It's a pleasant calm before the storm.

Then things darken a little. Time is pressing. I want to get to grips with the novel, but I haven't a clue how. This is the 'phony war' period. I now apply myself seriously to work, but the trouble is that it doesn’t hold together. Scenes start promisingly but peter into nothing. Main characters turn out to have all the zest of a cardboard box abandoned in the rain. Dialogue is lousy. Description descends into wall-to-wall cliché. No fragment lasts more than two or three pages before being printed off and tossed aside. And still the real writing hasn't begun.

In fact, without a few imperatives to nail things down, it's quite possible for these first two periods to last forever. Honeymoon and phony war: one of them's breezy, the other's frustrating, but both are equally deadly to the hopes of any novel. The author might easily stay scribbling, doodling, crossing out and reworking forever. The heroic quest deteriorates into a dog chasing its tail.

That's why a deadline—like the one you're working to—is such a good idea.

With my Bartimaeus Trilogy I had a big fat fantasy novel to write each year, three years in a row. One novel a year? That's not so hard. Or so I thought. Then I figured out that what with the time taken up with editing and revising my manuscript, and then with printing and distributing it, I actually had about five or six months to get the first draft done. And it wasn't long before I was mired in the phony war period, with lots of fragments, half-ideas and wasted weeks behind me, and saw my deadline looming.

So I did exactly the same thing you're doing this November, and set myself a strict schedule of pages per week to get the first draft done. In my case this worked out at about 100 pages per month for 3-4 months. Each day I kept strict records of what I achieved; each day I tottered a little nearer my goal. Five pages per working day was my aim, and sometimes I made this easily. Other times I fell woefully short. Some days I was happy with what I got down; some days I could scarcely believe the drivel that clogged up the page. But quality was not the issue right then. Quality could wait. This was n't the moment for genteel self-editing. This was the time when the novel had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into existence, and that meant piling up the pages.

So I did it, one page at a time, even when it was like pulling teeth or squeezing blood from a stone. I did it. And you can do it too.

This is just a first draft, after all. It doesn't have to be a perfect thing. I once met an author who claimed only to write when actively inspired. She was a fine and venerated writer, so I didn't let my jaw loll open too widely in her presence, but I didn't really buy her claim, and I still don't buy it now. If 'inspiration' is when the words just flow out, each one falling correctly on the page, I've been inspired precisely once in ten years. All the rest of the time, as I've been piecing together my seven novels, it's been a more or less painful effort. You write, you complete a draft in the time you've got, you take a rest. Then—later, when you've recovered a little—you reread and revise. And so it goes. And little by little the thing that started off as a heap of fragments, a twist of ideas trapped inside your head, begins to take on its own shape and identity, and becomes a living entity, separate from yourself.

Getting that first draft out is a horribly hard grind, but that (perversely) is where the joy of it lies. There is nothing better for me, nothing more uniquely satisfying in the whole process of making a book, than the sensation at the end of each day—good or bad, productive or unproductive—when I look over and see a little fragile stack of written pages that weren't there that morning. A few hours earlier they didn't exist. And now they do. In a strange way this is more actively thrilling than even holding my finished, printed, book in my hands. It's where the magic lies. Alchemists tried for centuries to turn base metals into gold. Every time we sit down and put words on paper, we succeed where they failed. We're conjuring something out of nothing.

So what does my advice boil down to? Sweat blood, churn out the pages, ignore the doldrums, savour the moments when the words catch fire. Good luck with your novels. Those old legendary heroes may not have sat around like us drinking cold coffee and tapping steadily at their keypads, but for them—and for us—it's the journey that's the thing. That's where the fun is.

Jonathan

I've been bitten.....

2008-09-18T21:21:00.003-05:00

....by a writing bug. (I hope this one never stops itching.)

For my own benefit, and also for possible feedback from others, I am going to post a list of different Writing Forums that I am looking into. The impulsive side of me would just jump right in and register to all of them....but I'm already having a hard time keeping up with my email. (Not to mention this blog, which is my current writing priority.)

I'm not limiting myself to only one, there are different writing forums with different purposes, but I want to make sure I don't join one that will just be me overextending myself without any added benefit or growth potential in my writing.

One I've already decided on, but it's a little bit different from just a writing forum. My friend Tim Nichols introduced me yesterday to National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I have to say I'm rather anxious to try it. Hence.... I'm starting to gear up for that and hopefully find an even better way to motivate myself to start writing even more than I am right now. (Which I know, isn't saying a whole lot, but you have to admit, I'm doing better keeping this blog up than I did all summer!)

Actually, last night when I couldn't sleep, (isn't such a strange thing for me unfortunately,) I took the insomniac opportunity to do a little writing and was pleasantly surprised with the beginnings of a story I ended up coming up with. I'm not going to share it here, this isn't really a "story" blog, but I do want to find a place where I can continue to delve into that genre and hopefully get some feedback as well. (Keeping up more than one blog is proving a little too difficult for me.)

But anyway, I might as well stop explaining myself and get to it.

~ NaNoWriMo

~ Writing Forums

~ Writer's Beat Forums

~ Writing.Com

~ LiteraryMary

~ Access for Writers by UniqueCritique

~ Faith Writers

~ Christian Writers

~ Edit Red

~ The Next Big Writer

~ Toasted Cheese

~ Forward Motion

~ Great Writing

~ InkSpot

Well...I think that's a good enough list for now. As I do more research into each site, (not too extensive, just poking around to see what the offerings are,) I'll probably edit this post to jot down my thoughts; what the pros and cons of each site are. And again, if anyone has any feedback about any of these sites through either using them yourself, word of mouth, or looking them over, please feel free to share.

Alright, off to do research!

Fantasy, Fable, Foibles, Freedom

2008-09-16T22:31:00.003-05:00

Which stories are the best? Those where you find yourself wishing the world it brings you to is real, or those that are so real you're thankful it's just a story?

I want to live vicariously through my writing. I realized that tonight. I don't want to do anything drastic in my writing of course.

I want to pretend I live in a mansion, and my closest friends are the little people that live under the floor boards and mine out the agates from under the house.

I want to travel the world as a waitress on a cruise line, meeting new people and unattached and focused on whoever and whatever God sets before me.

I want.....

I want to create worlds different from the one I live in, without the troubles I face, but new troubles invented that I can - from this objective seat - see the exact course that must be taken.

But who would want to read something like that? How would I not get tired of writing that?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I just need to write.

Encouragement through music

2008-09-16T18:36:00.003-05:00

Hopefully, if I'm not too tired, I'll be able to write a real post later tonight when I get back from a Bible study.

Before I leave though, I want to share a video of something encouraging and/or funny. I haven't done that in a while.

One Good Song

Tim Hawkins on Church

Bitterness and Healing

2008-09-14T14:16:00.003-05:00

The last few days have been very busy, as between Friday and Saturday, I worked a total of nineteen and a quarter hours. 13 of those hours were on Friday. Yes. I'm not exaggerating. When I got home from work around 10:20 last night, my feet were so sore I felt like there were tacks stuck into my heels.

Oh well, I'll get a good paycheck next Friday.

Anyway, I feel like my thoughts are still rather scattered, but not quite as bad as when I last wrote. Went to church this morning, and the service was very encouraging. The pastor there has been doing a series called "Encountering God in the Psalms." The text today: Psalm 73. The question: Where is God When Life is Unfair?

I felt the message today was pretty appropriate for what I've been dealing with lately, as I've been struggling with finding contentment with where I'm at right now as a whole. Yes, I know that I'm very fortunate and that life is good and that God is providing for everything I need, but that's just the theology of the situation; what I know in my head to be true. Sometimes my experience isn't very supportive of my theology. Actually, the contridiction of theology and experience was the first thing touched on in the message today. (Kinda cool how I worked that in there, huh?) ;)

Here's the text of Psalm 73 first of all.

Psalm 73, a Psalm of Asaph NLT

Truly God is good to Israel,
to those whose hearts are pure.
But as for me, I almost lost my footing.
My feet were slipping, and I was almost
gone.
For I envied the proud
when I saw them prosper despite their
wickedness.
They seem to live such painless lives;
their bodies are so healthy and strong.
They don't have troubles like other people;
they're not plagued with problems like
everyone else.
They wear pride like a jeweled necklace
and clothe themselves with cruelty.
These fat cats have everything
their hearts could ever wish for!
They scoff and speak only evil;
in their pride they seem to cursh others.
They boast against the very heavens,
and their words strut throughout the
earth.
And so the people are dismayed and
confused,
drinking in all their words.
"What does God know?" they ask.
"Does the Most High even know what's
happening?"
Look at these wicked people -
enjoying a life of ease while their riches
multiply.

Did I keep my heart pure for nothing?
Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?
I get nothing but trouble all day long;
every morning brings me pain.
If I had really spoken this way to others,
I would have been a traitor to your people.
So I tried to understand why the wicked
prosper.
But what a difficult task it is!
Then I went into your sanctuary, O God,
and I finally understood the destiny of the
wicked.
Truly, you put them on a slippery path
and send them sliding over the cliff to
destruction.
In an instant they are destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors.
When you arise, O Lord,
you will laugh at their silly ideas
as a person laughs at dreams in the
morning.

Then I realized that my heart was bitter,
and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant -
I must have seemed like a senseless animal
to you.
Yet I still belong to you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow
weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart,
he is mine forever.

Those who desert him will perish,
for you destroy those who abandon you.
But as for me, how good it is to be near God!
I have made the Sovereign LORD my shelter,
and I will tell everyone about the
wonderful things you do.

In the past, when I read Psalms such as this one, I never really understood them. To be honest, I avoided them or skipped over the depressing parts to get to the encouraging stuff. In the last few years however I've been beginning to appreciate them. Yes, the writers of the Psalms were writing through the ispiration of the Holy Spirit. But they were still human! This Psalm in particular is a depictment of the the writer's despair, and it's emotionally hard to read. But the Bible, as always, is brutally honest. It deals with the hard questions. God wants us to ask the questions we have. Why? Because he's big enough to encompass our doubt and give us peace! Because he wants the chance to prove to us his love, strength and desire to care for us. (Starting with and especially through what he's already done.)

Looking at all the "depressing" verses, one is usually inclined to read them from the same viewpoint as the writer. However, when it comes to many of the characteristics of the wicked, most of them can unfortunately be applied to believers as well as unbelievers. It might not be the most enjoyable thing in the world to realize one can at times act like a "fat cat," however I believe it can be ultimately very beneficial when reading verses like these to ask ourselves - What about me? Do I have an overgrown sense of entitlement? Do I think I'm not getting what I deserve from God? Do I see others getting unfair "privileges"? Better yet, instead of asking myself, I need to be asking my Father these questions. I'm pretty sure he can reveal the truth to me a little bit better than I can. (My overgrown sense of entitlement might prevent me from discerning the truth if I just ask myself.)

Back to the writer though. Through his viewpoint, he found bitterness growing in his heart as he focused on what was wrong in the world. Discovering the bitterness he is dismayed before the Lord, likening himself to a "senseless animal." From experience, I know that when one has bitterness growing in their heart, almost any behavior becomes possible. When one is cynical about the future and their hope is being siffoned away from them, losing sight of what really matters, the importance of sharing joy with others - of even enjoying the Father's joy oneself - will be forgotten. The more bitter a person is, the more confused their thinking will become. Bitterness leads to cynicism; cynicism leads to seperation and relational hardships; relational seperation produces brokeness.

Realizing that bitterness can lead to brokeness is important, because I know that I often don't remember that bitterness is a wound that God wants to heal. And when considering that, it is a blessing to realize that even bitterness can be used by God in a person's life for good. The writer in the Psalm realizes the bitter root in his heart, and through his response to the Lord - surrendering to his council and recognizing his love and provision - he was brought into greater joy and peace as he grew closer to God through the healing.

When we recognize that we have allowed the affliction of bitterness and cry out to the Father for discerment and healing, the Lord gives us understanding that brings so many other issues to light. Yes, there are those who are wicked and ignore the power of God. But gaining a right understanding of the root of their behavior through God's eyes is what prevents the bitterness from taking hold. (Our culture is not a lense through which to read the Bible. The Bible is the lens through which to view and understand our culture.)

Understanding rebellion changes everything. Understanding the Cross changes everything. Understanding eternity changes everything. Everything is broken without God.

Where does this understanding come from? The writer goes into the sanctuary, and then he gains discernment. We know that the sanctuary was the Temple in the time the Psalms were written, but what is the sanctuary today? The building where you meet on Sundays? No. The sanctuary is where God dwells. The sanctuary is the church - the people. Every child of God is indwelt with the Holy Spirit. Our indwelling is the sanctuary.

I love the way the Psalm ends. "But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do." The writer realized earlier in the Psalm how wrong and damaging it would be to share his discouraging and bitter thoughts with others, God's people especially. Of course, he does ultimately share his bitter thoughts, but only when accompanied by the understanding God gave him through the healing of his bitterness. And now his only desire is to be near God! And the only words coming off his tongue are those of praise and wonder at the wonder of the Father.

Cleaning Out the Cobwebs

2008-09-11T20:35:00.002-05:00

Yes, usually people clean out cobwebs during spring cleaning, but I don't think I should put off updating my blog 'til next spring.

Well, where to start?

I've missed writing, and I think my frustrations are largely to do with being unable to do anything about a lot of them. Or at least, not seeing a solution to my problems. I don't want that to keep me from writing though.

Life, God, family, everything is good right now for the most part. I'm so thankful for everything God has been bringing me through and everything he has taught me in the last few months. This summer has been quite eventful, and the departure of the season is leaving me eager to see what autumn, winter, and the next year will bring.

Christopher is wonderful, and our relationship has continued to grow despite the distance we're still struggling to cope with. Actually, I think the distance has helped us to grow closer together than we would have grown in 4 months while living in the same city. We appreciate each other and treasure the time we get to spend together so much more since we get it in so limited amounts. I know that long-distance relationships aren't for everyone, because they are so hard, but I can see God's hand in our circumstances in being apart and I know that this distance is fulfilling a purpose God has for us. I'm not at all sure what it is at this point, but I do know that we grow closer everyday. We love each other more everyday. I can't wait to move to Iowa and be close to Christopher, but I am content with where God has us right now, and I am so thankful for the relationship God is creating between us.

I've also been blessed this summer by meeting many new believers that God has placed into my life and life of our family. I've been attending the Vineyard church here in Duluth, and I've really enjoyed the small group Bible study I've been going to. The fellowship has been so encouraging; to be able to spend time again with other believers so intent on understanding the Word and what God's will is for them. I've met some really good friends through all this, and I'm very thankful for the prayers and encouragment they offer me and I'm able to offer them. There is nothing quite like the Body of Christ living and working together in the love of our Father.

There have been a lot of changes in my life this summer. I'm having to make so many decisions about the future, and I've really been tested in whether or not I trust that God can take care of me and that He has a perfect plan already set out for the treading of my trusting feet. One event kinda brought all that to a head in early August, when my best friend got married. Emily is the first of the girls I grew up with to get hitched, and I am so happy and thankful that she asked me to be a part of that special day with her. The wedding was beautiful and so encouraging, but it also kinda scared me. I'm growing up, I've crossed over the threshold of adulthood. I know I still have a lot of growing up to do, but life sometimes has a way of catching up with and knocking the wind out of us before we know what's really going on. With Christopher in my life, the way now has a definite focus, but it's opened up so many more possiblities and paths that it's still just as confusing. I can't wait to see what God does though, I know he has something wonderful planned for me and Christopher.

I'm having a hard time focusing on one thing right now, I just needed to get writing again. In the last three weeks both Wayne Jacobsen and Tim Nichols came to visit my family and the little community of believers we're in, and - in their own ways - both encouraged me to continue to write. I'll be writing more about their visits later, but I'd just like to thank both of them for the fellowship and encouragment and joy they shared with us while visiting.

A while ago a friend gave me a huge writer's handbook/guidebook kind of thing, and in the back there was a huge long list of different magazines of all kinds that accepted freelance submissiongs. One that I found and am very interested in seeing if I can submit articles to is called Devozine, a branch of The Upper Room - a devotional magazine. Devozine is just like the Upper Room, except it's for teenagers and written by teenagers and adults who care about teenagers. I have several devotional ideas based on the upcoming themes they have announced, and once I finish them and mail them in I'll post them here. The only hard part is that they have to be between 150-250 words. In case you haven't noticed, when I do write, I write a lot. Cutting the articles down and still maintaining the flow is what I'm having a hard time with.

Later I want to write some responses to the books I've read and finished so far this summer.

Ok, I think I've given myself enough prods and reminders to continue writing. See you tomorrow.

The Nature of Sandcastles

2008-08-18T18:53:00.002-05:00

I just read this on Jeremy Meyers' blog, and I really like it. Thanks for sharing this Jeremy, hope you don't mind my sharing it here as well.

My family and I spent the day at the lake recently (It’s been about 100 degrees for over a month now!), and as part of the day’s events, we built a sand castle. Allow me to brag about my construction skills. The sand castle was amazing, complete with walls, turrets, gates, flags, a moat, and even a cannon with little cannon balls.

When we were nearly done, Selah asked “Can we come back and play with this castle next week?”

“No,” I replied. “Someone will probably come along and knock it down.”

“Why?” she asked.

My wife chimed in, “Because that’s the nature of sand castles. We build them to enjoy building them, and then leave them for others to look at before they knock them down.”

Selah, not at all upset by this information, said, “Well, we better build a good one then, so that they enjoy looking at it before they knock it down.”

That, I think, is my new philosophy to life and mission. Everything I do in life will probably be knocked down once I am gone. In fact, it seems that some people are trying to knock me down before I even get the first wall built. So the best I can do is build in such a way to (1) enjoy the process of building, and (2) build so that someone enjoys looking at what I build before it is destroyed.

I figure that if God wants my life work to outlast me, that’s up to Him. Attempting to build something for myself when God is not behind it is like trying to protect sand castles against the tide.

Angel

2008-06-29T22:00:00.002-05:00

I know a post is due - I'm working through a few different things in my mind right now; hopefully a post by Wednesday. Until then: this is my current favorite song and I just want to share it. It's not spiritual or a Christian Praise song or anything, but anyone reading my blog lately will understand why I enjoy it. :)

If you got a good one, put your hands up
Come on girl, and stand up
Go ahead lift your man up

"Living in the Community of Love"

2008-06-15T18:45:00.003-05:00

The title of my post is taken from the message that I heard today at the church that I have been visiting.

The pastor there has been teaching on the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5-7, and today the text from the Sermon was Matthew 7:1-12. To be completely honest, I don't remember if I've ever before heard a message - much less a whole series of messages - completely focused on the Sermon on the Mount. My thoughts on why that is....well, that's a whole 'nother blog post. I'll get back to my main point.

Just as I was incredibly encouraged the last time I was able to visit this church two weeks ago, the message today really spoke to my heart and encouraged me and pointed me toward the Lord. I've noticed at this church that there is a very real and tangible focus on showing people - no matter who they are or what they believe - the love of God.

This focus was very much translated in the message today, which revolved around Matthew 7:12 "Do to others as you would have them do to you." One point really hit me while the pastor was giving the introduction to this passage. Jesus here, unlike so many philosophers before and after Him, isn't saying NOT to do things we don't want people to do to us. He takes it a step further than that - He is calling us to actively go out and LOVE people. I'd never understood vs. 12 of Matthew 7 that way before.

For a long time God has been teaching me about this very thing, about the importance of simply loving people, so it is always amazing and wonderful for me when I realize over and over again "oh wait, there's ANOTHER verse that is teaching that!" I feel like I'm reading the Word with new eyes, with blinders removed, as God has finally "gotten through" to me, and I KNOW that He loves me and desires a relationship with me. I have so much further to go in my walk with Him, He is unfathomable! It's incredible to think that there can never cease being more to learn about Him. It's a little daunting at times, but I know there is absolutely nothing I can do that will ever make me "unreachable" by Him.

That reminds me of another point that the pastor made in his message today. When we judge other people, we are making a personal conclusion regarding where they are at before God. If we ever "give up" on someone, we are essentially saying "God, this person is never going to change. You could never get through to them, you're not strong enough."

First of all, how could we know whether or not a person is "unchangeable"? Secondly, God is obviously strong enough - and LOVING enough - to get through to anyone, no matter who they are, what they believe, or how hard their heart is.

The contrast between the sawdust and the plank was also touched on in the message, and the difference between going after someone's eye with a chainsaw, or with "correction in the spirit of eye surgery."

What would it be like if people didn't feel like they had to protect themselves from Christians? What would the world be like if Christians just loved people?"

Ultimately, the entirety of the message was wrapped in the end by pointing back to God, how living this way - living the spirit of His Kingdom - can never be done in our strength. I can't at this moment figure out a better way to put the following, so here's what I wrote in my notes this morning at the end of the message:

We don't have the strength to do any of this on our own. The desire to love the Kingdom of God keeps us on our knees. The best way we can demonstrate "eye surgery" is through prayer.

So - both generally speaking and in this "Community of Love" - how do I want to be treated?

I don't want to be put in a box; I desire grace and mercy; I know that in my own weakness I need prayer. I am a child of God, that is my identity in Christ, He loves me unconditionally and I want to be treated that way. With this as the case, through my Father's power, I need to treat others the same way. Praying for others, giving my requests to Him, petitioning for His strength and mercy and love. Trusting Him to give me the strength and power to love people as the humanity that He loves and the individuals that He desperately desires relationship with.

How do you desire to be treated? How does this influence your understanding of what God desires in how you relate to and treat others?

Another thing I realized today - Jesus completely understands how selfish we all are. We already think about ourselves already, that's why He put it in the terms that He did. The focus always ultimately revolves around Him though, despite our selfishness. The only way we can live the way outlined in the entire Sermon on the Mount, not just in this passage, is through losing ourselves in Him, which will begin to happen practically without us realizing it when we are looking to and focused on Him; on what He did for us; on the Father's amazing and unconditional love for us. As I said before, He is unfathomable! How can our self, our flesh, NOT be swallowed up in who He is, in what He desires for us?

Introducing: Jane Swensen

2008-06-09T22:56:00.002-05:00

I started another blog today. The Chronicles of Jane.

I started the story of Jane several months ago, in an attempt to kinda tell my own story of life, but changing all the details a little bit. Jane is more exaggerated than I am in many ways, in some ways she's a better person, and in other ways she's...well...let's just say I've been through more than Jane could ever imagine. Life is a journey though, and I'm sure Jane will have plenty of adventures and "growing experiences" as I continue to write her story.

Do I know how her story is going to end? Heck no. I'm not even sure where to go with it next. I have a general idea of where I want to start her off, but beyond that....let's just say it's going to be a growing experience for me too.

Well, anyway, here she is. Within the Discord readers, please allow me to introduce you to Jane Swensen.

(Oh, and don't worry, I'll still continue to write here at Within the Discord. And maybe I'll actually try to put some poetry at my poetry blog.)

What?!?! Another post!??!!

2008-06-07T00:18:00.003-05:00

I was checking out the blog of a dear brother tonight, Captain's Blog by Chad "Captain" Estes. One particular paragraph in his most recent blog post really cracked me up and I had to share it.

He is describing a camping trip he recently took with his youngest son, and relating a conversation they had over a confusing sign on a campsite garbage can.

The other conveyance [at the campsite] was the trash cans. There was no need to pack it all out, as someone from the BLM was being paid to do so. The interesting thing was the note the BLM left on the canisters, “No fish in garbage can.” Renton and I discussed this confusing message. Was it a statement that no fish were currently in the cans but there might be at some later date? Was it a request not to relocate the fish from the lake into the can? Or could it perhaps be a warning to un-schooled tourists that fishing in cans, at least in this campground, would not produce the desired affect?

LOL. So funny.

Chad's blog is also very spiritually encouraging to me as well, as he doesn't shy from asking the hard questions or making difficult observations. In another blog post, this quotation also struck me, but in a different way from the last one.

There is much to learn in this story of a sleepless night- communication contingencies, premonition protocols and aftershock awareness, but personally it is the chaos I create when not being in control that challenges me to the core.

He's right, it is so often our own fears that make situations worse than they actually are. Like Peter, when he took his eyes off of Christ and began to sink into the waves, it is so easy for me to get caught up in the details of the trial instead of keeping my eyes on the Savior who is in complete control and knows exactly what it is that will happen. Not only that, I can trust that whatever it is that does happen will be for my own benefit, even if it does happen to be painful. It is not happiness that is (necessarily) beneficial for me, but anything that brings me closer to my Heavenly Father. The closer I grow in Him, the better I know Him, the more I trust Him, the greater the joy He can fill me with, and then the better He can sustain me through any trial or tribulation. The more I am filled with Him, the more I am sustained by Him, the more He can use me. I pray that is my focus. His glory, His praise, His honor, His strength. Less, less, less of me Lord, more of You. Increase in me and use me, help me to show Your love to others as You would have me to do.

Thank you Chad for sharing what the Lord put on your heart. I hope you don't mind my "mooching" off it.

Trials, God's Provision, and Love?

2008-06-04T22:43:00.005-05:00

The last few weeks in my life have been rather hectic, and at times more than a little discouraging. I'm getting a great preparation for the rest of my life though I think, I'm truly learning what it's like to go rapidly from valley to peak to valley to peak to valley and then back to peak....and oh wait it's another valley again. Are the valleys painful? Very. But I'm learning how much of a hidden blessing they are. Only the darkness of the valleys can truly illuminate the brilliance of the light and joy of the peaks. And I have another "hidden" blessing. I have the Holy Spirit inside of me, my Heavenly Father's love to sustain me, and the knowledge of what my Savior did for me to keep me focused on Him. All this supplies within me a fathomless well of joy that will bubble up slowly, gently, subtly in the times of the valley - reminding me of how I am a precious child of God, and He knows exactly where I am and exactly what I need and exactly what it will be that will rush me to the heights of the peaks of His blessings.

And now.....there's another blessing that I've been really excited to write about, but I've been having a hard time doing so because it's so important....if that makes sense. I've begun posts trying to write about it before, but I just couldn't get the words right. I know I was probably just being picky and overly self-critical, but this blessing has made me so happy that I knew I needed to find the perfect words and the perfect way to describe it. Strangely - or maybe not so strangely - gaining an understanding of the peaks and valleys I've been experiencing was what also gave me the words to describe this next blessing. (Which I guess is also "hidden" in a way...but I'll explain all that in a minute.)

On May 20th, 2008, I entered into a committed relationship with a wonderful man - Christopher. Christopher and I met in October, through eHarmony. (Anyone who has read my About Me section is probably chuckling right now.) I joined eHarmony in mid September of last year, shortly after my last relationship before Christopher ended.

My last boyfriend - Alan - I also met online, though I met him through a different dating site called Christian Mingle. I had met Alan during the summer, and we began a long distance relationship that...well....was short lived. Alan came to visit the first week of September and a few days after he arrived we had a VERY mutual breakup. The night before we ended our relationship, God just gave me peace about the whole situation, despite the fact that I still really cared about him and was willing to try to make it work if Alan was. Problem? Alan wasn't. I don't fault him for that, we just weren't what the other person was needing. The strange thing for me was that I was able to give Alan up so easily. I don't doubt that my feelings for him were sincere, he just didn't turn out to be who I thought he was, as I'm sure I didn't turn out to be who he thought I was. Even stranger for me though was that after he left and went back home to Texas, (yah, I know, it was very long distance,) was that even though my feelings for him specifically were no longer focused on him, I was still feeling very much ready for a relationship. I believed that God had been preparing me for something through Alan for a reason, even though Alan didn't end up being the one God was preparing me for. I know it may sound a little hasty and rash, but within a week of Alan leaving I had taken the eHarmony survey, filled out a profile, and began receiving matches. Looking back through my eHarmony emails, (I'm a pack rat and save everything I possible can - who knows when I might need a little bit of information here and there?) I received my first 7 matches on September 13th. On September 14th, I received 7 more matches, Christopher being one of them.

Now, in case you're confused, yes I did say earlier that Christopher and I met in October. Despite the fact that we were first matched on September 14th, that is actually true. See, taking the test, filling out a profile and receiving matches is all free on eHarmony. The communication however is what costs the green stuff, and it wasn't until a few weeks into October that I was able to afford an eHarmony subscription.

(I just realized that I'm giving an AWFUL lot of seemingly useless information regarding how Christopher and I met. And yah, it might be useless, but I'm a girl and girls care about these kind of things. You never know, it could be important in the future.)

Anyway, from October through April, Christopher and I spent a significant amount of time getting to know each other through Instant Messaging, Email, Facebook and the like. During that time God had impressed upon me the need to stop "looking" for a relationship, as He wanted me to stay focused on Him. Christopher understood when I explained to him that I was unable to offer anything more than friendship to anyone, and I think that had a lot to do with why our friendship continued to grow. Christopher showed me that he valued our friendship simply because he wanted to get to know me, and because he especially valued the fellowship we so easily were able to share around our Savior. He never ever once made me feel like he was "fishing" for something more than what I had told him I could offer, or that he was "waiting in the wings" as it were until I was ready for something more. (Yes yes yes, that did end up happening, but not because Christopher was just sitting there waiting for it to. It was all God's doing, when He kind of just dumped us in each others laps as it were, and we were both like...."oh...wait a minute.") But that's another part of the story, I'm getting ahead of myself.

During this time of growing in friendship and grace and fellowship, Christopher asked me a few times if I wanted to talk on the phone, but since I've never really been a phone person it took me a while to be completely comfortable with that. He understood of course, especially in light of how fast my last relationship had gone; he knew I was taking things one step at a time with my Father and needing things to be slow and simple until God let me know that I was ready for more. By the time April rolled around, when I felt myself opening up a little bit more and told Christopher I was ready to talk on the phone, we had formed a really comfortable friendship and I think we both were just really looking forward to exploring our friendship; nothing else was really on our minds. Our mindset stayed the same after the first phone conversation, which went really really well and was very comfortable and fun. We got to know each other a lot better of course, and I found myself looking forward to when I could talk to him again. The second phone conversation kinda changed everything....as we ended up talking straight for 8 hours. The next day? We talked straight for 8 1/2 hours. After this point I was a little confused and not really ready to explore the feelings that I could feel building up, but we both knew by then that we had least found friends for life.

It took a while after that - during which time Christopher and I continued to talk a lot and get to know each other better - before we admitted to ourselves and each other that there were feelings involved. Once we finally did get past our shyness and did admit them to each other, we were excited but at the same time knew we couldn't commit to anything before meeting each other. Planning and trip ideas ensued, and I was able to make it down to Iowa finally for a visit from May 19th until May 25th. (He and his family live in Des Moines.) I was so nervous, but extremely excited as I sat on the bus watching the miles roll by that took me closer and closer to Iowa. The one thing that scared me was that it would turn out to be another situation like the one I found with Alan. Christopher and I had grown so close in the months preceding my visit, but I knew it was a possibility that who we knew each other to be over the phone wouldn't be the reality once we met in person.

Thankfully, that did not turn out to be the case. Of course, there are things you can never really know about a person until you meet them. The way they look when they talk, the way their eyes light up when they smile. Their body language and facial expressions as their moods change. The way you relate to each other when you're spending almost every hour of every day together as opposed to just talking to each other on the phone. In Christopher, all these things just endeared him to me even more, and it didn't take long for us to realize that we definitely wanted the other person in our lives for as long as possible. The trip was amazing, and I had a wonderful time getting to know Christopher's family as well. They were so gracious, welcoming and loving to me, and Christopher sacrificed and let me sleep in his bed during the week while he slept downstairs on the couch. When Christopher drove me home to Duluth on Sunday the 25th, and then left to go back home the morning of the 26th, it was very very hard. I couldn't stop crying, and I felt like my heart was breaking as we finally tore ourselves away and his car disappeared around the curve of the road. I miss him so much right now, and the fact that we're not sure when we'll be able to see each other next makes it even harder. Finances have a lot to do with it, neither of us have the most stable of job conditions, but we're confident that God has a plan for us seeing as He brought us together in the first place.

Bringing this post full circle, Christopher has been amazing and wonderful through the peaks and valleys that have been the fluctuating theme of my life the last few weeks. The joy of the peaks is magnified because I can share it with him; the sorrows and fears of the valleys are tempered by his caring and unconditional acceptance. Things are still hard sometimes...ok, a lot of the times, no one said trials were easy. But God has given me such a wonderful blessing in Christopher, as he is a man who truly desires God's will for his life and my life and our lives together. Having Christopher in my life has strengthened my faith and drawn me closer to my Heavenly Father, and he is such an encouragement to me as I know he accepts me unconditionally. I'm definitely falling for Christopher, and it's scary (but wonderful) to think that it might actually be love.....but we're not going there yet. One step at a time.

Christopher, my darling, I know it took me a while to write this, but you know how much I care about you and about us. I'm so happy to be yours, and I thank God everyday that you're mine. I know that God brought you into my life for a reason, and I just wanted to be able to express as best as I could through my limited words the wonderful way you encourage me and point me to Christ as not only my brother, but as the man that I know is by my side in spirit even if we can't be together physically right now. This time apart is so hard - my heart hurts everyday - but I know God has a purpose, and He's preparing us for something very special I know. Soon, I'll be going to school in Iowa (finally) and we'll be able to explore that stage of our relationship once I get there. For now, I hope we can look to the Lord and accept His strength as He helps us to cherish this time and stage we are in right now, to use us through it for each other, and for the furtherance of His will. Thank you sweetheart for being "the perfect thing to say......In this crazy life, and through these crazy times it's you, it's you, you make me sing. You're every line, you're every word, you're everything."

Ignorant Formal Christianity ~ J. C. Ryle

2008-05-18T13:26:00.002-05:00

I received this article today through an email list I subscribe to. I found it very thought provoking, as well as very convicting, and that was before I saw the year it was written in! If Ryle was convinced of this over 100 years ago, how is the state of the issue today?

Ignorant Formal Christianity
J.C. Ryle, "What is Needed?" 1895

I am convinced that one of our grave defects today, is a most serious diminishing of the good old custom of private reading of the Bible. Between the growth of Christian periodicals and books, I have a strong impression that Bibles are not read as much and as carefully as they were two hundred years ago.

I am well aware that there are more Bibles in Great Britain at this moment, than there ever were since the world began! There is more Bible-buying and Bible-selling, more Bible-printing and Bible-distributing, than there ever was! But all this time, I fear we are in danger of forgetting--that to have the Bible is one thing--and to read it privately ourselves quite another!

I am afraid that the Bible of many a man and woman in Great Britain is never read at all. In one house, it lies in a corner--as stiff, cold, glossy and fresh as it was, when it came from the bookseller's shop! In another house, it lies on a table, with its owner's name written in it--a silent witness against him day after day! In another house, it lies on some high shelf, neglected and dusty--to be brought down only on grand occasions, such as a birth in the family--like a heathen idol at its yearly festival. In another house, it lies deep down at the bottom of some box or drawer, among the things not wanted, and is never dragged forth into the light of day--until the arrival of sickness, or death! These things are sad and solemn. But they are true.

I am afraid that many in Great Britain who do read the Bible--yet do not read it aright. One man looks over a chapter on Sunday evening--but that is all. Another reads a chapter every day at family prayers--but that is all. A third goes a step further, and hastily reads a verse or two in private every morning, before he goes out of his house. A fourth goes further still, and reads as much as a chapter or two every day, though he does it in a great hurry, and omits reading it on the smallest inconvenience. But each and every one of these men does what he does--in a heartless, scrambling, formal kind of way. He does it coldly, as a duty. He does not do it with appetite and pleasure. He is glad when the task is over. And when the book is shut--he forgets it all! This is a sad picture. But in multitudes of cases--oh, how true!

But why do I think all this? What makes me speak so confidently? Listen to me a few moments, and I will lay before you some evidence. Neglect of the Bible, is like disease of the body--it shows itself in the face of a man's conduct. It tells its own tale. It cannot be hidden.

I fear that many neglect the Bible--because of the enormous ignorance of true religion which everywhere prevails. There are thousands of professing Christians in this country, who know literally nothing about the Gospel. They could not give you the slightest account of its distinctive doctrines. They have no more idea of the true meaning of conversion, grace, faith, justification, and sanctification--than of so many words and names written in Arabic! And can I suppose that such people search the Scriptures? I cannot suppose it. I do not believe they do!

I fear that many neglect the Bible--because of the utter indifference with which they regard false doctrine--as if it did not signify much, and was all the same thing in the long run--whether one was a Roman Catholic, or a Socinian, or a Mormonite, or a Deist, or an Agnostic. And can I suppose that such people search the Scriptures? I cannot suppose it. I do not believe they do!

I fear that many neglect the Bible--because of the readiness with which they receive false teaching. They are led astray by the first false prophet they meet with, who "comes in sheep's clothing," and has a pleasant voice, a nice manner, and a gift of eloquent speech! They swallow all that he says without inquiry, and believe him as implicitly as papists believe the Pope! And can I suppose that such people search the Scriptures? I cannot suppose it. I do not believe they do!

I declare my firm conviction, that an idle neglect of the Bible is one cause of the ignorant formal Christianity which is so widely prevalent in these latter days!

Brethren! We are drifting, drifting, drifting--and what the end will be--no man can tell.

More thoughts on this later. I think I need it to digest a little bit more.

Error and Truth

2008-05-13T20:26:00.003-05:00

Something I've been thinking about:

There are a few different ways - and reasons - for finding fault and error. One can search for proof of fault and error in order to prove someone else, or some other way of thinking, wrong.

Or, one can keep an eye out for fault and error in order to find out - further expose and reveal - the TRUTH.

There is a big difference between the two.

What is my focus? Exposing error in others? Or searching for HIS Truth?

What are your thoughts on this? Does this issue change or fluctuate depending upon whom one is dealing with (believers versus unbelievers) ?

Questions, Encouragement and Friendship

2008-05-04T19:10:00.004-05:00

I have so many questions rolling around in my head at the moment. And why is it that it is so hard for me to write when I have questions? I think this might be producing in me a (bad) habit of only writing when I feel I have everything figured out. (And of course I will never have everything figured out.) I need to learn to set aside my fears of disagreement and simply state what is on my mind, regardless of whether or not I think this person or that person will agree with me. Disagreement isn't always a bad thing. Me finding out I'm wrong isn't a bad thing. God can use any and all communication to accomplish His purposes, and I need to trust Him and trust that He can maintain my inner joy and peace despite outer circumstances.

A lot of my questions right now have to do with the word - as well as the institution - of church. I really wish that word didn't scare me so much, but I know it's a process I need to go through. And despite my fear and confusion and desire to have everything figured out right now, I know that God is faithful, and He'll lead me where I need to go. Not only that, He'll get me there when I need to get there, and He'll bring people into my life who can walk along side me as we both grow in wisdom and knowledge and love.

You, my dear friend, (you know who you are,) you are one of these people, and I think this is likely one of the reasons God has brought you into my life. Thank you for your friendship and understanding, and for challenging me while still always accepting me for who I am. In response to your most recent blog post, all is forgiven, though the thing that encourages me the most is what you are learning about being able to accept and forgive yourself despite being mad at yourself. That's a tendency I struggle with greatly as well; it's so easy to beat ourselves down when we sin, forgetting for a few moments who we are in Christ: completely accepted in Him. Does He want us to overcome our weaknesses? Of course, and that takes acknowledgment of them on our part, but the overcoming is only possible through His strength. I know that as long as I refuse to forgive myself, or I continue to dwell on my own weaknesses, what I'm doing is focusing on my own lack of strength, instead of on His capability to accomplish His perfect will through His own complete strength.

You remind me of His promises everyday, every time we talk. You show me God's love through your acceptance and caring heart. Thank you.

Encouraging Blog Posts

2008-04-24T17:00:00.002-05:00

I'm not going to write much right now, but I want to link to some blog posts I've read the last few days that have really touched me.

The first is actually from my stepmom's blog, where she writes about life, family, love and spirituality. (And she has given precious gem names as psuedonyms for all us kids. "Emerald" is my little sister.)

The Perceptiveness of Emerald

God is cultivating such a tender heart in "Emerald," I'm so excited to watch her grow up, though it is bittersweet. Sometimes I wish she would stay my "little sister" forever. She's almost as tall as I am though, so I know that won't happen.

This next one just kinda hit close to home....I won't make anymore comments on it; it just made me think.

Some Pig!

The Information Gatekeepers

2008-04-12T14:39:00.003-05:00

"People are able to sidestep the gatekeepers in the quest to be informed."

I've been feeling uncommonly in a writing mood the last few days, something I haven't felt in a long time. I can't really put a finger on why this change has happened, and that being the case I can't guarantee this mood is here to stay either. But I have found that something besides my own urge to write can influence and encourage my desire to blog. Reading the blogs of others, especially through the help of my newly discovered-now-favorite internet tool - Bloglines, somehow creates a "blogger" mood in me. I have a problem with self-image and confidence, and being completely honest is something that is hard for me. Also the dream and desire to be a good, maybe even great writer, induces of a lot of self-pressure to write something good every time I post. I know that this is conceit on my part, but it doesn't diminish the dream I have to be a writer - as in a published writer - and I do truly believe that God can use me through my writing.

Being able to read the honest confessions and thoughts of others is helping me to realize that I can be honest to myself when I write, and to realize that it's ok if I write something that someone else might not agree with. When I'm talking one-on-one with someone, disagreement is relatively easy for me to handle, and it's not often that differences in opinion with a friend lead into arguments. However it's different in the blogosphere; tone and intent are a lot harder to discern, and I am much more of a "people-pleaser" than I'd like to admit. The fact that my blog deals primarily with spiritual issues magnifies this, as I so much want to encourage others by what I write. Something came to my attention a few days ago however that surprised me. I wrote this post during a night of extreme discouragement and self-loathing, and found myself unable to be anything except extremely honest.

Honestly, if I could have put a finger on any post on my blog likely to encourage someone else, I wouldn't have even considered this one. But Father works in amazing ways, and He used this post to show me just how true it is that He can use absolutely anything from any of His children. A few days ago a friend pointed out to me that Mitch Berg over at Shot in the Dark had written a post about my blog. I was very surprised, as I only read his blog occaisionally, not really being into politics all that much myself, and I had no idea that he read mine. What he wrote though was very encouraging, and very humbling, (though in a good way.) Thank you Mitch for the kind words, Father used you and your post to show me yet another way of how much He loves me and how He is sufficient to provide for my needs - which I'm learning include my need to write.(And I've been reading your blog a lot more often now, I'm developing a taste for politics I think.....ok, at least a taste for READING about it.)

Now, I realize that I went on a tangent as far as the relavance of the quote at the top of this post is concerned. It does have a point though, I promise. Another thing reading the blogs of others has impressed upon me is the ease at which information is available to those willing to do a little digging. I have learned so many random facts - such as the one from the link in the quote - and found so many encouraging blogs just in the past 24 hours, that it has shown me just how easy it is for people I don't know to find my blog. This is a good motivator, because I want there to be fresh, honest, and encouraging information here for them to find when they do stumble across it. This isn't for my own fame or glory, simply an acknowledgment of how I believe God wants me to take advantage of the opportunities this technology age gives the writer, and has encouraged me to continue writing and sharing the song He gives me day by day. I can't promise to be as consistent as I am hoping to be, but I'm going to try. Writing is now very much near the top of my priority list, and I have a feeling God is preparing me for something through it. God is providing ways and opportunities for so many writers to sidestep the "information gatekeepers," as any that will simply search for the truth will find themselves on an incredibly journey toward, and hopefully with, the Father, Son and Spirit.

Ecclesiastical Orphism

2008-04-11T23:16:00.004-05:00

While reading the most recent update at the Lifestream Blog, I followed a link Wayne posted and found a very interesting article. I'm going to link to it as well, and I hope it at least makes people think.

Ecclesiastical Orphism

Think of the incredible amount of trust those musicians must have in one another. If a single person falters, the whole performance suffers. If a single person even fails to communicate - fails to cue the others when beginning a new phrase, fails to hear or see what another part of the ensemble is doing, fails in any way to either understand the other musicians, or to make him or herself understood in turn - what was a glorious piece of music a moment before is suddenly a cacophany of mere noise.

In the same way, believers should be able to trust one another. If we all have the same goal in common - the joy of a life lived with Christ - I should trust that my fellow travellers on this journey are living that life as best they know how, and I should expect them to trust me the same way. None of us should be due any individual credit for any “kingdom” successes - the reward belongs to the body of Christ. The tapestry that is created when the body of Christ lives and works as an organic entity - all parts in relationship with one another and working in their unique and separate ways toward the common goal of seeking to know God - is truly a work of art . . . one even more stunning than that created when 40 musicians trust each other enough to get out on stage and create something beautiful together.

Just like the Orpheus process, participation in the body of Christ should be, and is, an empowering process. It does require an incredible amount of investment. In a traditional church setting, I could sit back and let some pastor tell me what to think. Outside of the traditional church framework, I cannot do that. I am responsible, any and every day, to truly “give a reason for the hope that is within me.”

I can’t just regurgitate some talking points or a list of scripture verses. In the same way each member of Orpheus has to know what they think of the piece being played, I have to know what I believe about the God I walk with.

The article is from The Unedited Life, written by Mike Daniels. I have a feeling I'll be visiting this blog more often.

Letter to Wayne Jacobsen

2008-04-09T17:55:00.003-05:00

I think it's about time I posted something again. :-)

About a week ago I was listening to The God Journey Podcast, intending to catch up on several episodes as I hadn't been listening regularly since around Christmas. However one podcast title jumped out at me and I decided to listen to that one first, despite the fact that it was one of the newest ones. It was titled "The Doctrine Police." After listening to that one, and another entitled "To Stay or Not to Stay," I had a ton of thoughts bouncing around in my head. They were both incredibly encouraging to me, and gave me a ton to think about. So often when something gives me a lot to think about, I just think about it, digest it for a few days, and then eventually it manifests itself somewhere when I least expect it and in the most unlikely place.

Wayne Jacobsen and Brad Cummings are the hosts of the God Journey, "just two real brothers talking about life" as they call it. Wayne Jacobsen is the author of "So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore," and he and Brad are the founders of the publishing company that published "The Shack" when they couldn't find anyone else to do it. (Secular companies said it had "too much Jesus," Christian companies deemed it "too edgy.")

Anyway, I was in a coffee shop with my computer last Friday, eating a hummus wrap and drinking a TON of coffee, and I felt the urge to send Wayne an email. I've written to him before, and he's always responded as a brother. He is very down to earth and focused on the Body Life between any brothers and sisters God brings him into contact with. I was just really thankful for the real way he and Brad present themselves, no apologies, but completely acknowledging the fact that they are brothers on a journey. (When you're on a journey, it's just common sense that you'll be at a different place on the road in 5 years than you were five years before, and you'll understand and know and believe differently about certain things as well in all probability.)

But now I should get to my point. While what I wrote is a letter, and some of the things I wrote I have written here before, going back and reading what I wrote to Wayne has touched me as I see something developing in my understanding about God, something I hadn't seen before. More of a 'connecting of the dots' if you will. Wayne wrote back to me today, to say what I had written was encouraging, and I am so thankful for that. I know that God has given me my writing for a reason, but I'm very very critical of myself, and I have a hard time sharing what it is that I write a lot of the time. My dad and stepmom have also read the letter I sent however, and despite the fact that it's in the form of a letter, they have encouraged me to share it here.

So here it is, a small picture of a space in time where God was teaching me something, and I was fortunate enough to be in the writing mode in that moment. From other things I've written in the past, I know in the future I'll be able to look back and read this and relive what it is that God taught me that afternoon at Jitters, as I wrote a letter to a brother who does the same: chronicles his journey with Father as he can, then shares it with others - proclaiming the love and glory of God as he grows and learns and loves through God's power. If that's not Body Life, I don't know what is.

Hi Wayne,

Happy Spring! The season has been rather unpredictable and frustrating so far here in Minnesota, but today the weather has been BEAUTIFUL...I'm just trying to block out the knowledge that snow has been forecasted for tonight. *sigh* I bet the weather is much nicer in California.

Our family has really been enjoying your books along with The Shack. He Loves Me especially really shook my dad up, and it's his favorite of the three. I'm reading it right now in bits and pieces, and the last few weeks have been amazing for me, as daily I become more and more secure in the knowledge of how much Father loves me! It's so weird for me to say things like that, as I was brought up to believe that 'experiences' of the non-physical nature can never be real, and that emotions are wrong, but I don't know any other way to express it! Even though the feeling itself is amazing, and I'm learning that feelings aren't wrong, I do know that emotions can be fleeting, and that no matter what I'm feeling, I know that Father's love for me changes in neither degree, amount nor magnitude. And I guess that's what is so totally overwhelming! I'd just like to thank you for sharing your journey with so many people, and proclaiming the freedom that Father so desperately wants His children to have! Gaining that knowledge, and actually 'living in the reality' of it, has completely changed me and the way I view the Christian Life. I now know that the Christian Life is not a scale where the times while "in fellowship" are balanced against the times while "out of fellowship," that my actions do not create spirituality or bring relationship. It is actually quite the opposite! Having a relationship with Father, looking toward Jesus, and letting the Holy Spirit breathe truth through me is what creates peace and rest within me, and what brings about spiritual fruit! I've been writing on my blog a lot about this new "relationship revelation" I've been living in, and stressing how relationship is a BEING and not a DOING. I've been getting a lot of interesting responses to that, and most of them quizzical at best. I think God just wants me to answer in love though, and not give in to my desire to "prove" myself spiritual to others. He knows where I'm at spiritually, I know I am secure in Him; He will always accept me unconditionally no matter what! When I'm at rest in Him, I know that nothing else really matters.

I've been listening to the God Journey podcast quite a bit as well, and I'd like to thank both you and Brad for continuing it and giving me and so many others so much encouragement. Thank you for being honest - nothing more and nothing less. Oh the freedom we have to be honest with each other once we are secure in Him and we no longer feel the need to please others! Ever since leaving the institution I grew up in, for the simple reason that the discouragement I received every time I went was preventing me from enjoying a relationship with Father, a lot of my relationships with people I grew up with have drastically changed. It was hard at first, because I miss a lot of people, but Father has been so faithful and keeps on bringing just the right kind of encouragement into my life at moments when I need it most. Sometimes it's in the form of a new friend through a sudden mutual realization that we are on similar journeys with Father, sometimes it's an old acquaintance who pops back into my life and surprises me with the fellowship we are able to share, and sometimes it's simply sweet, gentle moments with Him that come and go almost before I realize that it's happened. Those are the best; how can I not know that God loves me? I've been finding though how refreshing it is to be honest about myself and to others, despite the fact that it is usually painful as well. Relationships are finally then able to truly reflect the level at which two people know each other. I think that only once that happens, once both people can stop trying to make something out of what just isn't there, only then can a true relationship have a chance to develop. Only then can real fellowship based solely on our identities in Christ have a chance to blossom.

I think that's how God wants to reach us as well. He wants to reveal to us our real selves, strip us bare of our misconceptions and many blind spots. Is this painful? Most definately, but it is then countered with what we see when beholding ourselves in God's mirror; He knows our sins and failings and blind spots better than anyone, but our reflection in His mirror is nothing less than the image of His Son! That concept was something that was finally hit home for me when I read The Shack. I had read the verses about the believer being "in Christ" and a "new creation" and how we are in the image of God's Son so many times over the years, many of them I had committed to memory. But all the time they were little more than memorized literature, practically speaking. I'm so thankful that Father was able to bring me along, none-to-gently, to the place where I finally felt like I had nothing. I was stuck in a dank, muddy mire a mile deep, and then finally I realized I had no way to look but up, and He was there! That moment happened about a year ago, and I never could have guessed the journey I was about to embark on. I have experienced the most intense pain I could imagine when I lost a friend to suicide; I have bounced between the two halves of my family as it re-balances itself in the wake of a divorce; I have watched my family shunned and attacked as they left the institution, then experienced the same myself when I finally couldn't stand it anymore and left myself. I have also come to know - because and through these life-circumstances - what it means to be filled with supernatural, unexplainable joy at the same time as overwhelming grief; I have begun restoring real relationships with my family members, as I am learning to not judge them for things in the past and things I can't control; I am learning to not put stock in the favors and approval of men as Father takes away some relationships and gives me others that don't drain me of His love and truth. I am truly on a journey, and it is the most wonderful thing! It reminds me of the story you shared on the podcast around Christmas about a day in the life of the cat in comparison to a day in the life of a dog. It may sound corny, but I don't care, this Life truly is "my favorite thing!" I so want to share this with others, and I just wish I could show everyone I know how simple it really is! Maybe that's what's so hard about it, the same way the message of salvation is so hard for some people to grasp. The unbeliever wants to add works to salvation, the religious believer can't help but add works to walking with the Lord. But how can we add anything when He's supporting us the whole way? Through HIS power and love, He has done it all. Jesus Christ's death accomplished so much more than just salvation, (though there is nothing little about that.) We cannot afford to forget or ignore the whole story however; He has brought us the Father, and we have no need to reach for something we already have!!!!!!!! Once we realize that we have Him, He will bring about the works necessary to accomplish His will, thereby fulfilling us as He interacts with us and develops our relationship!

How can words adequately express this? They can't, but let's keep on trying, writing it and saying it and singing it over and over and over, and the Lord will use it for His will and purpose and pleasure. I'm just glad I can add my own little chorus to creation's continuous song. Thank you for adding yours. :)

And thank you to those who read and comment here, and write about God's teaching in your own lives and share it with others, for adding your own verses and choruses. We might not always agree, but you are all my precious brothers and sisters. I value you and what you have to say immensely; thank you for sharing with me when you have concerns, and rejoicing with me around our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I hope God can use me to channel love toward you all, and that nothing I say causes anyone to stumble. May all the glory go to God, who has and is dealing so bountifully with me. I am completely and totally overwhelmed.

Yahoo! Answers

2008-03-23T01:26:00.002-05:00

Ok, this is an unorthodox post, but it's something I took a while to write and I just need to get it out there.

I checked my Yahoo! email for the first time since before Christmas today, and I was surprised to find I had an email letting me know that an answer of mine to a question at Yahoo! Answers had been voted the best answer of the bunch. I went to check what the question was, as it had been so long that I couldn't even remember that, much less what I had said in my response. After checking the question and my answer, (which isn't important to this story at the moment,) I started browsing other questions in the same category, which happend to be Religion and Spirituality.

I came across a very recent question, posted by a 16 year old Christian, asking for help and encouragement and Bible verses. This individual was having a hard time being the Christian they thought they should be while under the pressures of being a teen. They specifically wanted help from someone who had felt the same way as a teenager, but had since "overcome" their difficulties. I felt bad for the kid, and read the responses he or she had received already. Most of them broke down into two categories: "I'm a Christian teenager, and I don't think it's hard at all!" (In other words: "What's wrong with you!?!?!") Or, they were from people who didn't claim to be Christians at all, telling the poor kid to simply rely on being happy.

I didn't think either of these two types of responses particularly encouraging. I mean, who wants to be told that they are simply doing it wrong when they're at the end of their rope and have no idea how to do it right, or that they just need to focus on being happy when they can't help but feel miserable? I really felt burdened to share what was on my heart, especially since I could definately relate to finding it hard to "be a Christian" during the teenage years. I started writing a response, and it turned out to be much longer than I was planning. (People who know me well, or who are familiar with my writing won't be surprised.) I also got distracted a few times by other things, so it took me about 2 hours to finish my response from the time I started writing. Unfortunately, by that time, the author of the question had removed it, and I wasn't able to answer. I still want to remember what it was I wrote though, and I thought I might as well share it here, especially since this is the first time I've written anything in a while.

I'm 21 years old, and I've been a "Christian" practically my whole life. In that I grew up in a Bible-teaching church and became a believer when I was 5, by which time I had already memorized around 25 Bible verses.

When I was 16 however, I started rebelling. I didn't do anything really bad or illegal, but I still made some bad choices and ended up pretty miserable.

I started going back to church regularly when I was 18, before I went out of state for college. I thought that's what God wanted me to do, that I needed to go to church as often as possible and do all the right things in order to be happy and to do His will and "do what's right" and please Him. But you know what? I was still miserable, and I had no idea that I was beginning the 2 worst years of my life. Again, not because I did anything horrible or destroyed my life or anything like that, I know plenty of people who had a harder time circumstancially than I did. But you see, it's not circumstance that matters, it's our RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD that matters.

The Bible doesn't emphasize DOING when it comes to pleasing God, because doing things doesn't create relationship. God knows us, He knows our shortcomings and our faults and our failings, past, present and future, and yet He loves us unconditionally anyway. The Bible says "Be still and know that I am God." What is that verse calling us to do? To be still, to BE! Not to DO.

Doing is always done in the flesh, because it is always us trying to accomplish something FOR God, instead of acknowledging what He's already done for us. This message goes beyond the initial belief in His Son, as it applies to how He desires to reach out to us and care for us and experience relationship with us every moment of every day for the rest of our lives!

Will we fail at that? Of course, but it doesn't surprise Him! Does it grieve Him? Yes, but not because He's disappointed in us. He grieves because by not trusting Him we will experience something so much less than what He has planned for us. He wants to fulfill us and make us more and more sure every day that we are HIS.

I don't know what you are going through personally, but I do completely understand how hard it can seem to "be a Christian." My friend, you don't need to DO anything to be a Christian if you are already a believer. You are God's child, and He holds you in His hand. Both the Father and the Son hold you in their hands, together, and the Holy Spirit dwells inside you, giving you peace and joy. You might not realize He's there, or recognize His working or influence, but believe me, if you ask God for a deeper relationship with Him, you will get it. He will move heaven and earth to show Himself to you, in whatever way you need it. I'm not saying you'll get some sort of vision or out of body experience, but keep a look out for some crazy things to happen if you truly do want a relationship with the Heavenly Father, the Papa, who loves you more than anything.

If you like to read, I would recommend checking out this book: The Shack by William P. Young. It's very deep and rather sad I'll warn you, but it has a wonderful message and changed the way I view the Christian Life forever.

This article might also be helpful: http://www.lifestream.org/LSBL.Nov05a.html

And as always, the Psalms are a wonderful comfort. Not only because of the promises within them, but because the writer does not shy from writing about his pain and doubts and insecurities. He always comes back to God is always faithful though. Psalm 119:25-32 were a great encouragement to me about a year ago when I lost a friend to suicide. I hope they encourage you as well.

Many blessings and prayers
~A sister

Well, there it is. I hope it can encourage someone, since the person it was meant for probably won't ever read it. But who knows what Father has in store? I know I wrote it for a reason, and I'm content that He's knows for what.

Funny Vids

2008-03-07T00:07:00.002-06:00

Ok....but before I think about all that important serious stuff in my last post, I thought I could use a few laughs. And since I haven't posted any in a while, I thought I'd share the joy. Who can beat Mark Lowry?

Cool Water

Jesus On the Mainline

Blatherings, Confusion and - of course - God's Love

2008-03-06T23:17:00.002-06:00

There are so many things flitting, churning, pulsing through my brain right now. A lot of things have happened the last few days, a lot of things reminding me of just what an active role my Heavenly Father plays in not only my life, but my every happiness. A lot of these things are confusing, yet exciting, and I'm not exactly sure what to do with them. How do I harness this and bring glory to God through the written word? How do I encourage others with my blatherings, and yet not come across as self-important? (How do I not feel self-important when something I write just happens to make sense in my own head?) How do I convey my flaws, how do I prevent myself from shying away from them? How do I present who I am, my identity of who God sees me as, as accurately as can be expected, and yet still encourage each others and not thoroughly discourage myself?

Well, there's a question, can I become thoroughly discouraged while examining myself through God's eyes? I guess it depends on how I'm viewing it. Am I comparing myself to God's inheirant measuring stick, the one that He has cast aside and stored away until the one day that He will need it again, or am I willing to see myself the true way God sees me? Faults and shortcomings completely included, but all completely accepted and loved as a part of myself, His child.

That's something for me to think about, pray about, meditate on for a while. How does God see me? What does Father see when He looks at me? Why is it that love shines unchangingly out of His eyes when my faults are so prevelant and so close to the surface, (if the surface isn't actually completely made up of them as it is?)

I know God loves me, and I'm beginning to understand why, it's mostly wrapped up in why He created me. But, how does this love of His affect what my relationship with Him should be, and how is what it should be different from my actual current perception of it? Peel Lord, please! Reveal to me Your will, Your life, Your love!

I know, really complicated, I'm making my own head hurt. At least it's something I have down in writing, it will make it easier to categorize in my brain and think about now....hopefully.

Love, Strength, Weakness and Protection

2008-02-26T21:40:00.002-06:00

So...I haven't really been much up to writing lately. Those of you who have commented on previous posts, thank you very much for stopping by, I'll be responding soon.

I just need to post a few thoughts right now so I'll be able to sleep tonight.

To be honest, I'm feeling quite disgusted with myself at the moment, and it's not a very nice feeling. Did I do anything really horrible? Well...I guess not. Nothing that would raise anyone's eyebrows in particular, but a lot of little failures all added together and put under the glaring light is still a big mess that needs to be sorted through. And the fact that I haven't let myself do this for a really long time of course means the pile is a lot bigger now than it needs to be.

Now combine all this with the worry and anxiety, hurt and rejection I have been feeling lately, and of course the love I carry for so many people that at times I feel like my heart will burst. And this love is quite a conundrum in itself, because how much of it is really love? I'm pretty sure that most of it is just selfish gratitude on my part towards people who fulfill some sort of need in me. If this is the case, how do I know what real love is? And no, I'm not talking about the romantic sort, just the love I so desperately want to have for as many people as possible, because I want to be a channel of the love God has for me. But I'm learning more and more just how selfish I really am, because always in the back of my mind, even if I don't realize it, is a whisper of the question of what I could get out of the situation.

And yes, I know I'm pouting.

Just one more thought, before I drive myself crazy with circling, unending questions. Talking to my stepmom tonight, she told me something I've heard her and my dad talk about before. They both love each other unconditionally, loving both their strengths and weaknesses, because both things makes them who they are. But it doesn't stop there. She said something that I'm still trying to figure out, and I'm not really sure what to make of it. Not that I don't agree with it, but I cannot figure out for the life of me how one is supposed to go about it. A big part of unconditional love is not just acceptance, but in protecting the other person in their weaknesses. Not protecting their weakness, but protecting them IN their weakness. What exactly does this mean? How would it change my relationships with people? And most importantly, what is God trying to teach me in an attempt to draw me closer to Him?

The Shack

2008-02-05T17:04:00.000-06:00

Once again, I've had trouble the last few days working out what to write about. Not for lack of ideas of course, I've got plenty of those. It's just the simple fact that I am at a very personal part of my walk with Father right now, and the things he has been teaching me are very specific to my current situation. Not that God couldn't still use these things to encourage others, but I'm just not at peace with sharing them at the moment. I'm not sure too many people would be encouraged by a complete and thorough explanation of what I believe regarding church leadership. It's probably something I'll write about in the future, but now isn't the right time.

Lately, there has been a good amount of discussion, both in the blog world and outside it, between myself and people who have read some of the things I have written here. I am very thankful for this, as God keeps on bringing me in touch with the right people at the right time to accomplish his ongoing work. But I think a post about church leadership would spark more of a debate rather than a discussion, as it can be a controversial subject. That is not the purpose of my writing at all. As the title of my blog hints at, my desire is to point out places within disagreements and discord where fellowship and one-anothering can still take place. In otherwords, in the common identity all believers share as children of God, through their position in Jesus Christ.

So, what is it that I want to write about? Well, since I only mentioned it briefly a few posts ago, I thought I'd share more of what I learned, and am still learning, through reading The Shack. I don't want to give the plot away, for those of you who haven't read it, but about a week ago I wrote a series of unrelated paragraphs while on a car trip when I felt like my head was going to burst with ideas. I thought I'd share them here, as they are all results of concepts introduced to me through The Shack. (And I can't say this enough: if you haven't read the book yet, Read It!)

~There are a lot of horrible things that can happen in the lives of God's children, however, these things are not evidence of his displeasure. Pain, sorrow and grief brought on by acts of abuse, violence or injustice are not orchestrated by God. They are not in his nature. However, that doesn't mean that he can't still use these things for good. That is the essence of his nature: completely turning around the things we either screw up, or that are screwed up for us, results of the world we live in being ruled by sin.

~I am firmly convinced that there is only so far a child of God can come to getting to know his Father without going through pain.

~I can't tell the spiritual state of a brother I see everyday any more than I can discern the spiritual state of the pope. (I have my suspicions about the pope's spiritual state of course, but attempting to discern it, dwelling on it, or coming to a conclusion about it does absolutely no good to anyone, nor does it provide me with any more insight into his soul than before.)

~When I disagree with a brother, I can tell him that I disagree; God wants his children to be able to be honest with each other. True relationship can only exist in an environment of honesty. But simply disagreeing with a fellow believer does not give me the right to withhold love or fellowship from him, nor does it give me the right to try to prove to him that he's wrong and I'm right. If there is something I am convinced of, someone simply telling me that they think I'm wrong isn't going to change my mind. Only the Holy Spirit has the power, ability and right to transform. Whether it be someone's soul, thinking pattern, attitude, or a verse they have misinterpreted, a true change in any of these areas would require some sort of transformation. Based on this, I am convinced that believer-to-believer transformation is not something God meant to be a part of "one-anothering."

~Worship is anything that declares the glory and worthiness of our Heavenly Father. Our very lives, lived out in moment by moment trust and rest in his provision - his ability to meet every need - is a complete act of worship!

Spiritual Pornography

2008-01-27T21:30:00.000-06:00

The following article is by Darin Hufford, and I received it in an email from a sister in Christ. Although she didn't specify where it was from, I'm pretty sure it is an excerpt from his book The God's Honest Truth. I have added my own points of emphasis - the bolded portions - and I have written a few personal notes throughout as well.

"I have a very deep and sincere concern for this generation of Christians. We are truly a unique group with a unique set of problems. Though we're not the first generation to experience the hype and control of institutional Christianity, we are the first to even consider divorcing ourselves from it. This decision alone creates a whole new set of problems that our parents and grandparents never dreamed of facing. They tolerated the religious abuses because they didn't think they had a choice in the matter. Our generation is the first to tap into the possibility that the Christian life could "return to the wild" after being bred and born in captivity. Deciding to leave is the easy part; learning to live in the wild and survive without institutionalized religion is quite another story.

I suppose what concerns me the most is the fact that most of us have been duped into believing things about the Christan walk that are simply not true. And many of the things that ARE true have been greatly exaggerated and embellished to enhance their theatrical presentation. Because of the fact that the majority of our Christian lives were spent watching the Christian play at church, we have grown accustomed to sitting through the show and demanding to be entertained. Every spiritual facet of the "personal relationship with God" has been caked with makeup, airbrushed, pumped with steriods, injected with botox, sprayed with perfume and stuffed with implants. In the end, we're left with a "Glam Shot" perception of "relationship" that is about as real as a fifty dollar blow-up doll. It's perfect for the theater, but when it comes to a real, one-on-one relationship, it's just impossible.

Leaving the Christian Church today and setting out to find your own relationship with God is about as likely as a man addicted to pornography believing he can get married and find similar fulfillment. I have a friend in my life who I honestly believe is a "Christian porn addict." I'm not saying he is addicted to pornography in the sense you might think, but he is addicted to what I call, "Christian Pornography." This type of "pornography" is a version of Christianity that blows up and exaggerates everything in an effort to spiritually arouse the onlooker. People become addicted to these outrageous representations of spirituality because the very idea of them brings excitement and gratification.

The addiction to these spiritually accentuated concepts is almost identical to an addiction to pornography - some people can't get aroused without it.

Every part of the Christian walk has been romanticized and glamorized to the point where we have no concept of what God really wants to offer us.

I know that it would sound lovely and cliché if I told you that sex in the context of marriage is much more fulfilling than watching pornography, but the fact is that it doesn't even compare. If you were to use a "pleasure meter" to identify which act is more physically satisfying, pornography would win hands down. Pornography is like a super sonic dose of pure gratification to the body, while sex in the context of marriage is sustainable and eternal. The same is true with substances like Methamphetamines and Heroin. We would all like to think that a family day at the park would outweigh the high that Meth and Herion offer, but let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. These drugs provide a high that completely blows away anything this life has to offer under normal circumstances. Being a person who came from a life of drug addiction, I can tell you first hand that one of the biggest challenges I faced after walking away from drugs was my ability to find fulfillment in the "every day" things of life. In order to do that, one has to change their thinking altogether. The drug addict seeks total fulfillment in the "here and now," and the non-drug addict looks for overall fulfillment in "the long run" of life. The decision to switch from an extreme lifestyle like that of a addict to a life of normalcy is quite difficult and almost never attained.

It is almost impossible for a Christian who has been raised on a steady diet of spiritual pornography to settle down and be content with the everyday life of REAL spirituality. Every aspect of "relationship with God" has been laced with religious PCP, and the real authentic truth doesn't even compare to the spiked version they grew up with.

It seems that at every angle of spirituality we have been fed an unrealistic and glamorized perception of "how it's supposed to be;" this worries me. These ideas - when put into action - are ultimately impossible to sustain for more than a week or two. It's just not realistic to think anyone could have a "burning passion" for God twenty-four hours a day for the rest of their life! Personal and simple things like prayer are turned into super spiritual and emotional experiences that shake the heavens and the earth. Before you know it, the very avenue through which we communicate with God has been hijacked and turned into a "passionate heart pounding cry to the heavens." Ultimately, when you can't sustain this emotional position, you begin to feel condemned regarding your Christian walk. This extremism has been applied to every single facet of the Christian life. We have an entire generation of people who honestly think a relationship with God is like a Hollywood, "action packed romance thriller." It has been so accentuated and romanticized, that when it's finally compared to the real thing, the lie seems a thousand times better!

The problem is that everything we have been taught about a personal relationship with God is an exaggerated lie and absolutely impossible to obtain. It simply does not exist! It was all smoke and mirrors for the purpose of entertaining and inspiring a congregation. When all is said and done, most people have NO idea what to really expect when it comes to a REAL personal relationship with Him. When the real thing shows itself, it is unappleaing and people are usually uninterested.

It also seems that after stepping away from the hype of the institution in an attempt to experience "the real thing," we usually get bored and run back to our church for a spiritual "porn fix." At the very least, we start feeling like we're dying inside because nothing looks the way they told us it would look. Nothing happens like it's supposed to happen. Worshipping alone in your bedroom doesn't even compare to the ten member band with lights and sound that your church offered. For some reason, you don't break down and cry your eyes out during the experience now. Without all the music and singing to drown out your voice, you're left with nothing but your own out of key tone. What's worse is that now your friends don't sit around and talk about Jesus all the time or sit and do Bible studies with you. There isn't a planned time or praise reports and prayer requests. You become a normal person who works and lives, just like everyone else.

It's kind of like the movie all your friends ranted and raved about. They begged you to go see it because they thought it was the best movie ever made. For weeks on end, all you heard them do was recite their favorite quotes and talk about how great it was. Finally you go watch the movie, and it ends up being a big let down because they'd built it up so much in front of you. The truth is, you probably would have loved the movie too, but after being contaminated by their exaggerated enthusiasm, the movie never stood a chance. It was bound to be a let down.

If I were going to give any advice to this generation of Christians, I think first and foremost I would say to let go of everything. Walk into this relationship with no pre-determined expectations. Forget everything you've heard about the way it's supposed to be. Forget all the embellished testimonies and stories people recited from the stage of your church. Start out as though are are the first person in the world to have a relationship with God. Be open to absolutely anything.

I have found that "true spiritual porn addicts" almost always reject the message I preach. It's simplicity angers and annoys them. It's so unattractive and dull that they can't imagine trading their present erotic spirituality for it. This is precisely why the Pharisees wanted to execute Jesus. He was a disappointment. They were looking for a reigning king and instead they got a dirty homeless carpenter. We're no different in today's institutional religious world than the Pharisees were in Jesus' day. Ironically, we still insist on preaching the "reigning king relationship" to everyone - even though Jesus hasn't returned as a reigning king yet. We STILL can't accept the carpenter. Getting someone to trade in the reigning king perception for the carpenter is nearly impossible.

Just like marriage in the physical realm, true relationship with God cannot be expected to deliever a constant state of passionate spiritual arousal. There are times when this happens, but if you hang your entire relationship on it, you're in for a world of disappointment. In many ways, some churches remind me of the married couple who based their relationship on their "hot sex life". When things inevitably cool off, they have to participate in even more bizarre and wild behavior to just keep it "hot and alive." It certainly explains why so many Christian groups get caught up in crazy spiritual fads. Their spiritual perceptions of relationship demands that things be kept at a spiritiually sensual boiling point at all times. It's like they are open to anything that will rekindle the fire of their spirituality for just another day.

I would honestly encourage everyone to take an honest look at their relationship with God and ask some important and deep questions. When you praise Him, what words do you use? Do you use the same phrases and terms you've heard a thousand other people recite at your church? Do you lift your hands and hop up and down like the people on the worship team? Do you teeter totter back and forth from right to left with your face tilted upwards, your elbows down and your arms extended out, your palms facing up, with a look of painful desperation on your face?"

I believe these same questions can be applied to those who have grown up with more conservative church experiences. Do you frown upon those who do raise their hands and hop up and down like a worship team? Do you do your best to stay away from churches that have worship teams? Do you sing with no facial expression whatsoever, because you don't want to come across as "charismatic"? Do you use the same phrases and terms you've heard a thousand other times at your church?

"My question is this: How would you express yourself if you hadn't watched everyone else show you how? What words would you use, if you hadn't memorized the one's they gave you? What would you say if you didn't already have a script? Would you really "cry out to the Lord" or would you be more inclined to just talk to Him about your life? Would you really lie on your face and wail at the alter, or would just sit quietly and think about Him?"

Would you feel free to express the emotions inside you at all in the presence of other Christians at church? Or would you be content to just take notes, acting like you don't feel anything?

"How would it all play out if you had never observed another Christian in your entire life?

What if God promised you right now that no matter how much money you gave in the offering, He would never give you one red cent for the rest of your life unless you earned it? What if He guaranteed you that you would never receive a healing from Him regardless of the sickness or injury? What if you never saw a miracle again until the day you died? What if no one ever gave you a "word from the LORD" from this day forward? What would become of your relationship with God if these things were to happen?"

What if you were never able to perfectly memorize a passage of Scripture again? What if God took your voice and you could never vocally witness to another person? What if you were thrown into prison and never again able to fellowship with other believers? What would become of your relationship with God if these things were to happen?

"I believe that we need to assess our lives and take a close and honest look at what we have. I fear that many people who have come from an institutional mindset really don't have much. What they do have is a handful of stuff that is absolutely useless in the real world. They have a pocket full of spiritual fairy dust that only works when they're inside the walls of their church, and when they try to sprinkle it out in the real world, nothing happens.

Survival in the real world of "relationship with God" comes in finding enjoyment in the little things, and in "the long run" of life. It comes when you commit to being normal and give up your spiritual aspirations of becoming a super spiritual prophet, a preacher, or a miracle worker. The moment you're ok with being just like everyone else and you no longer feel the need to validate your spirituality in the eyes of anyone, you will be well on your way to knowing the real Him. When the words "God told me" don't need to pass through your lips in order to impress the person you're talking to, and when you're willing to admit that you don't know what the heck He's telling you, you are closer than you could imagine. When you're more touched by a warm dinner with neighbors than you are by an emotional church service, you will have swallowed His very heart."

When you are more fulfilled by the love shared between yourself and others, rather than the amount of Biblical knowledge you have stored in your brain, then you are living in the reality of your Father's love.

"When the focus of your life goes from getting answers to your prayers to becoming answers to the prayers of others, you'll know Him like never before."

Darin Hufford

Thoughts

2008-01-24T22:50:00.000-06:00

If I had a steller explanation for the looooong delay in posting, I would give it.

Unfortunately, I can only boast of extreme busyness, as well as an unfortunate writer's block. I've had a lot of ideas floating around in my head, but life lately has made it hard to sort them all out. However, there is one thing I do want to write about quickly, as I try to sort out some of the other things crowding rationality out of my brain.

About a month ago, through the introduction of an anonymous comment on a previous post, (thank you friend, whoever you are,) I came into contact with another blogger who's writing has been a great encouragement to me. Her name is Holly, and her blog is listed along the side: To Know Him More

Through Holly's blog however, I found something that has pretty much jump started all the different things rummaging around in my brain the last few weeks.

The last year of my life has been a very interesting one, to say the least, as my New Year post expostulated. One of the biggest decisions I made last year was to stop attending the church I grew up in, for a lot of different reasons, which I won't go into here. Though lately I have been feeling myself treading close to toeing the depression I was in last year, I still desperately desire to have a relationship with my Heavenly Father above everything, and the process of learning how to have that relationship with Him has been the biggest focus of my soul lately.

Through Holly's blog, I found a book online called So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore. When I saw the name of the story, it jumped out at me for obvious reasons. I started and finished the book within two days, and I was astonished over how true it rang with me. After reading the book, I backtracked the link to find the site for the story, and through that I found Lifestream, the website of Wayne Jacobsen, co-author of the book. (It is usually referred to as "The Jake Book.") 12 years ago Wayne Jacobsen left the institutional congregation where he was an assistant-pastor, and ever since has been focusing on having a real relationship with God - with our Father - apart from attempting to maintain the functionality of any system. The Jake Book is based on the beginning of the journey for himself, as well as many others. While Lifestream has been a great encouragement and resource for me, my family and some of our friends, the most amazing thing I have come into contact with since finding the site is a book called "The Shack" by William Paul Young.

If you haven't heard of this book, I would highly recommend that you at least check it out, and hopefully read it for yourself. (The book website is here.) It's a fictional book, but I can tell that a lot of the author is contained within its pages. It puts forth in a way I never imagined the possibilities available to the son or daughter of God, in relation to the intimate relationship they can have with God. I don't want to give away any of the plot points, so I won't say anything else about it, but it is a book that has completely redirected the way I think about God's love for me. It's kinda scary, ok no, it's terrifying, but it's wonderful at the same time.

That's all I think I should try to get out right now, hopefully later this weekend my thoughts will have organized themselves a little bit better.

Domona Lisa

2008-01-04T22:47:00.000-06:00

Ok, this is absolutely nothing to do with anything, it's just REALLY REALLY COOL!

Enjoy.

New Year and Grief ~ A Study: Part 3

2008-01-02T17:38:00.000-06:00

I know most people usually write about their review of the previous year a little bit before the end of it, at least, that is how I would do it myself, if it weren't for certain circumstances that usually entice me to wait until a few days after the New Year to get out my reflections. Mainly the fact that it's my birthday today, and the last few days I've been pondering not just the last year, and how it has changed me since my last birthday, but also how it would feel to be a year older.

I don't feel much different right now, despite the fact that a lot of people really look forward to their 21st birthday. To me, my 20th birthday was more of a big deal, because I was no longer a teenager. Frankly, that birthday scared me to death. I had been so much pain and so many changes while I was 19, that I was not only terrified of growing up, but of what possible pain could come in the next year of my life.

And looking back, it's actually quite amazing. I experienced the worst, most acute pain I have ever felt in my life this last April, but even though this may sound weird, it was also the greatest blessing I received this year.

What I went through actually goes back to September 25, 2006, the day a friend of mine from school disappeared. His disappearance greatly affected the entire college campus, and was one of the main contributing factors leading to my decision to leave school last fall.

When I came back home, and eventually moved in with my dad and stepmom, the LORD was finally able to start reaching out to me slowly, pulling me to my feet as I began to realize - for the first time - that I was safe in His hand.

I had been in a severe depression for most of the following year, and last winter -January through April - was a time of much learning for me, and much rest. I can see the plan of God so clearly now in that point of my life. He first brought me to a place, physically and spiritually, emotionally, where I could learn to truly trust Him. Where I could have ground under my feet again.

As I grew in Him, and began to realize how much He loves me, and that my Christian walk has nothing to do with how well I'm 'performing,' but in how much I trusted Him on a daily, moment by moment basis, more and more I saw His work in my life, and was therefore able to understand more about Him, and trust daily even more. I can see God's great provision for me in this, because it meant that when April rolled around, I was for the first time in years at a place where I was secure and peaceful. And perhaps for the first time, experiencing the true joy of the LORD.

A few weeks into April, I found out through the private blog system kept up by students at the college I went to, that a body had been found a few blocks from the campus in a swimming pool that had been covered since Labor Day. Up until this point, there had been no news at all from what might have happened to my friend that disappeared. Since the body had been there for several months, they had to do an autopsy to find out who it was. I spent a very anxious two days, but I don't think I really believed that it could be my friend.

A day or two after the body was discovered, it was released that the body was indeed Paul Shuman-Moore, my friend that had gone missing so many months before.

When I heard the news, through reading the school blogs online, I completely broke down, and for the first time in months I felt so much pain that I didn't know what to do with it.

If this had happened a few months, or even a few weeks before hand, I don't think I could have handeled the news very well. I am so thankful that the LORD was able to bring me to the point that He did by the time that day came, because somehow, and I still don't know how I knew to do this, I was able to completely rest in Him, and trust Him that it was His will, no matter how painful.

The knowledge that everything is always under God's control was something I had been taught my whole life, but this was the first time I had ever claimed that truth for my own in order to comfort me through the strength and love of the Holy Spirit, to give me strength to bear the pain.

The night afer I found out, I was sitting at the computer, just playing solitaire, trying to get my mind off of things, and I had some music from the Gaither Vocal Band playing as well. As I sat there, I couldn't help but think about what had happened, about what I had learned, and I started crying again; but silently, not the sobs they had been earlier.

As I cried, I started listening to the music that was playing, or more specifically listening to the words, and as they began to sink in, I realized something amazing.

The song "Let Freedom Ring" was playing, and for the first time, I realized that despite the song sounding like it was talking about freedom from sin, it was also talking about freedom of any kind, because that's how capable and powerful our God is. I started crying in earnest at that point, because I realized that despite the fact that I knew that my grief wasn't a bad thing, that God expected it, and even wanted it so that He could bring me closer to Him, it didn't have to keep me in bondage. Immediately, I felt wellsprings of joy bubbling up inside my soul, completely seperate from the pain and grief in my heart.

That joy did not come from me, it was the Holy Spirit within me giving me His joy, keeping me from despair despite the horrible pain in my heart.

This truth is something that I have clung to ever since, because now I know that truly, I can be content, and even filled with God's supernatural joy, no matter whatever cirumstance I am in, no matter how grieved I am, no matter how much pain I am experiencing. He is always faithful, and His power can cut through any chain.

Dear believers, do not let past hurts and wrongs and griefs keep you from experiencing the love and joy of the Father. For that, along with anything that keeps us from drawing closer to Him, is bondage. That love and joy is always there, just waiting for us to accept it, so we can experience the freedom and blessings our Heavenly is just waiting to give us, and give us abundantly.

Let Freedom Ring
By Gloria Gaither

Deep within the heart has always known that there was freedom
Somehow breathed into the very soul alive
The prisoner, the powerless, the saved have always known it
There's something that keeps reaching for the sky

Even life begins because a baby fights for freedom
And songs we love to sing have freedom's theme
Some have walked through fire and flood to find a place of freedom
And some faced hell itself for freedom's dream

Let freedom ring wherever minds know what it means to be in chains
Let freedom ring wherever hearts know pain
Let freedom echo through the lonely streets where prisons have no key
We can be free and we can sing --- let freedom ring

God built freedom into every fiber of creation
And He meant for us to all be free and whole
When my Lord bought freedom with the blood of His redemption
His cross stamped pardon on my very soul

I'll sing it out with every breath, I'll let the whole world hear it
This hallelujah anthem of the free
That iron bars and heavy chains can never hold us captive
The Son has made us free and free indeed

Let freedom ring down through the ages from a hill called Calvary
Let freedom ring wherever hearts know pain
Let freedom echo through the lonely streets where prisons have no key
You can be free and you can sing let freedom ring
Let freedom echo through the lonely streets where prisons have no key
You can be free and you can sing let freedom ring
You can be free and you can sing --- let freedom ring --- let freedom ring!

Grief ~ A Study: Part 2

2007-12-18T00:03:00.000-06:00

"It is very mortifying and painful to find how weak one is."
"That is true. But our mortifications are some of God's best physicians and do much toward healing our pride and self conceit."

The above quote is taken from a wonderful book I am currently reading, called Stepping Heavenward: Once Woman's Journey to Godliness by Mrs. Elizabeth Prentiss. The book is written in the style of a journal, at the pen of a young girl named Katherine Mortimer, and begins in the year of 1831. I won't extrapolate exceedingly regarding the qualities of the book at the moment, as I haven't finished it yet, but it has been very encouraging to me so far. I am learning a lot about my Heavenly Father through it, as I read of Kate's own journey as she learns and grows closer to God.

But back to the subject at hand: grief.

In my first post on grief, I quoted a few verses from Psalm 119. If anyone knew about grief, it was King David, and he experienced it throughout his life in almost every way imaginable. Pay attention to the way he describes the state of his soul, of his spirit in these verses. "My soul cleaves to the dust.....My soul weeps because of grief."

Have you ever gone through something in your life where you felt like you couldn't get back up? Like you'd been pushed down too many times? Was there ever a pain so strong you could hardly bear it? That is the picture David is painting here; he knew what it was like to have that kind of pain.

Like David, every single person on the planet goes through grief and hard times. Some experience it more than others it's true, but I have learned that there is more than one way that grief can appear in a persons life. A lot of the time, it happens through situations we can't control, like the loss of someone we care about, or through the workings of our Enemy as he tries to get our eyes of our Father. Just think about Job. He was a Godly man, and loved the LORD, but God still permitted a lot of horrible things to happen to Him. Did this mean that God did not love Job? Of course not. I think He loved Job enough to let them happen, because they ultimately brought Job even closer to his Father, and brought him more understanding. Look to Psalm 119 again; what does David say, right after expressing the pain in his soul? "My soul cleaves to the dust; Revive me according to Your Word....My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to Your word." David knew that what he needed was not for the pain to go away, but for God's will to be done, which always, no matter the circumstance, is that we draw closer to the Father, that we trust His commandments, trust His Word, and only look to Him and His truth for sustinance.

So what does the quote at the beginning of this post have to do with all this? I think it illustrates another way people can experience grief in their lives, as well as how God wants to teach us through these experiences. Just as we can experience "mortification" at areas in our lives not matching up to God's will for us, we can experience grief for deliberately going against the perfect plan our Heavenly Father has set up for our lives. Yes, Satan will constantly be doing his absolute best to minimize our usefullness for God, but when we fall for his temptations, when we make the choice to choose the temptation over God's will, it is no one's fault but our own.

Just like everything regarding what God wants to give us, from salvation to the moment by moment way we live our lives, it will always involve a choice on our part. There are so many blessings God wants to heap onto our plates, even in the midst of trials, but He can't give them to us unless we make the choice to receive them. Just as we are saved by making the choice that what God said regarding His Son is true, we are daily sanctified by making the choice to simply continue trusting Him to see us through anything. Look with me at the last few verses from the passage I quoted before. "I have chosen the faithful way; I have placed Your ordinances before me. I cling to Your testimonies...I shall run the way of Your commandments."

Simply put, when we choose our own way over God's way, no matter how much pleasure it might bring us at first, it will always end in grief. God can allow us to run the way of emotional destruction, and we hit obstacles and trials as consequences of our sin. For me, God knew that I needed to hit rock bottom, and then continue to dig my pit deeper, before I would realize what I needed in Him. A lot of the grief I experienced in my life was simply me reaping the fruit of the seeds of neglecting the Spirit within me. I kept on turning away from Him, so He chose to let me hit hard and fast, thankfully, before I did any more damage to myself or anyone else.

That is a worst case scenario, but our Father won't always use grief that way; it simply depends on how soft or hard the heart is of the person experiencing the grief. If our hearts are soft, God can allow us to experience simple inner grief, instead of situational grief, when we can quickly realize our folly, and repent over it before our hearts grow hard. When this is the case, that is when God can use our "mortifications" as "physicians", and accomplish much "healing [of] pride and self-conceit."

Our God is a merciful, and loving God, and knows exactly what is best for His children. Just as He is not willing that any should perish, He is not willing that any of His children live a life they think as independent of Him. He loves us, no matter what, and His greatest joy is seeing joy and fruit and peace in our own lives. Our only part in all of that is making the choice to trust that He truly does know what is best, trust that He can fulfill us completely, and trust that He will soften our hearts and mold us to accomplish that end.

Vid of the Week #4

2007-12-16T23:30:00.001-06:00

Yah yah yah....I know, I forgot again. But I have a valid excuse this time!!! :D

Friday I took my little sister Christmas shopping, after going to see a movie. (We saw Enchanted, which was hilarious by the way, I highly recommend it. Good family movie.) After about 3 hours of walking around shopping - in heels...yah yah, I know it was dumb - and after getting almost all of my Christmas shopping done, I was way too tired when I got home to even think about posting anything. Oh well, at least I'm only a few days late this time.

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....."

This is a beautiful song. "Tonight" Done by Ernie Haase & Signature Sound at the Gaither Homecoming in South Africa a few years ago.

And of course......weekly Mark Lowry dose. :)

(Just don't ask me what he's doing. Still haven't figured it out.)

Grief: A Study ~ Part 1

2007-12-10T21:45:00.000-06:00

Grief

What has it meant to me in my life? Is the issue that it caused me pain? No, that is not the issue. Nor are the specifics that caused my pain the issue. The issue is how it changed me.

I need to show how it changed me for the worst in the beginning, and that change kept me captive in a pit. It turned me....not against, but away from my Heavenly Father. I lost my trust in Him. Not my trust in His Son for eternal life, but my trust that He is able to do "exceedingly abundantly" above anything I would ever dream to be possible. I also didn't understand that this ability of His, this power, has more to do with inner transformation on my part than a changing of outward circumstances.

Psalm 119: 25-32

My soul cleaves to the dust;
Revive me according to Your Word.
I have told of my ways, and You have answered me;
Teach me Your statutes.
Make me understand the way of Your precepts,
So I will meditate on Your wonders.
My soul weeps because of grief;
Strengthen me according to Your word.
Remove the false way from me,
And graciously grant me Your law.
I have chosen the faithful way;
I have placed Your ordinances before me.
I cling to Your testimonies;
O LORD, do not put me to shame!
I shall run the way of Your commandments,
For You will enlarge my heart.

Mid August 2002

Winter of 2002-2003

2003-2005

Early Spring 2005

Late May 2006

September 25 2006

April 16 2007

What do all these dates have in common? They are dates and times that stick out in my memory as the most painful times in my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing all of them, but I felt the need to put down in writing the date where pretty much everything began, when my world, little by little, began to fall apart.

This is my "[telling] of my ways," as Kind David said in the wonderful, and encouraging verses above. My purpose in writing this is not to discourage, even though some of the things I will share as I tell my story will be very sad, and I'm sure as hard to read as they will be to write, but I need to share them, in order to show just how far down I was, to glorify how far God has brought me up. (And He's still not done.)

Brothers and sisters, I pray that you realize how loved you are. No matter where you are in life, no matter what you're going through, no matter what decisions you have made or what things you have done, you are LOVED. By a powerful, but gentle, Father, who desires NOTHING more than drawing you closer to Him.

This is my comfort, and the reason I can thank God for everything that happened to me, because I know now that it happened for a reason. It was all a part of God's wonderful plan to bring me to Himself. He didn't orchestrate the pain, much of it was my Enemy doing His best to keep me from seeing my Father's face, to keep me from reading the love He has for me in His eyes, from His Word. But though it was meant for evil, God turned it to good, and I am His vessel, willing to be used in whatever way He sees fit, to His glory, to proclaim His love, to show His majesty in the miracles He worked in me.

Video of the week #2 and #3

2007-12-08T00:12:00.000-06:00

I almost forgot.....it's Friday, time for my vid of the week....even though I forgot last Friday. (I can still call it "vid of the week" if I want to, even though I've only posted one once.)

Anyway, to make for my negligence last Friday (what was I doing last Friday?), I shall post two vids tonight, one funny, one inspirational, as the first vid was both at the same time. (Disclaimer: The funny vid will almost always be of Mark Lowry, as he's my favorite comedian, but I'm sure I'll pepper in some other funny stuff as well every once in a while.

Video #2

David Phelps has an amazing voice to be sure, but it's the words of this song that always get to me. The introduction by Joni Earickson Tada is very encouraging as well. "Praises to the great I Am. We will live in the light of the risen Lamb!"

LOL! I have seen this video so many times, but it never fails to crack me up.

And now I have to run to the bathroom.

My Writing Process

2007-12-07T23:45:00.000-06:00

Alright, it's been a while since I've actually written anything here, seeing as my last post wasn't exactly a "post," at least how I categorize them, and the one before that was something I'd written a few months ago.

I've been meaning to write an article for a while about an idea that has been bouncing around in my head for several days, but after many futile attempts, I just can't get it to take the shape that I want. I'm still going to write it, as it is something very important to me. Well, it's something that usually takes an important role in the life of every single person on the planet, and while it usually appears to be a bad thing, I have learned that it can also be a good thing. As anything given to God can be used for good. While I'm still not ready to write substantially on the subject yet, as what I'm mostly fighting with myself about is how much to tell of my own story, I do want to give a bit of an introduction of what should hopefully be coming within the next few days. Lord willing, no later than Sunday night. (Or early Monday morning, however you want to look at it.)

I guess I still haven't mentioned what this "thing" is that I want to write about, have I? In case you haven't noticed, I tend to ramble. I can be quite focused, and all of sudden, something pops into my head and I need to get it down into writing before it flits away and then my focus and direction is all scewed and I have the pleasure (usually) of finding a way to fit my ramble into my original focus.....and I'm rambling again.

Basically, I've been thinking a lot lately about the subject of grief, and how it has affected my life. The hardest thing about writing an article with grief as it's subject, is portraying the grief I went through, without making what caused the grief the focus, as that is not what I want to do. There are some things I feel comfortable sharing about my life, and about what it was that caused me certain griefs, but there are others that I'm not so sure God wants me to share, not because I'm uncomfortable sharing them necessarily, but because drawing attention to them wouldn't enhance the explanation of what it is God is teaching me through grief, nor would it bring Him glory. So that is what I am wrestling with at the moment, and the reason I have been silent on my own blog the last week, even though I haven't been so silent on others.....

So, while I continue to work through this difficult issue in rough drafts saved in both my mind and my trusty Word Pad, I would like to pose a question to the blogosphere: Why do you write?

Not, "Why do you blog?" because with most people, that's pretty easy to figure out, as most blogs have a specific message to get across and specific purpose to their existence. No, my question is why people who have blogs, why do you write? Do you write because it's the only way you can get your beliefs and opinions across in a way that makes sense to you? Or is it more therapuetic? Or is it something else entirely? And regardless of why you do it, what do you do to help you stay motivated?

I understand that's a lot of questions, but I hope people aren't too confused with my disjointedness tonight. I have a lot going through my brain at the moment, so my thoughts are a little jumbled, but also, my hands are cold and I want to hurry up and get this posted so I can jump in bed and settle down with my book. I have to work an 8 hour at the bakery tomorrow, as tomorrow is the bake sale, and I'll basically be up to my neck in cookies cookies cookies. I'll need some "me" time tomorrow morning before I have to leave, so that means I need a good nights sleep so I can wake up early.

Good night blog world, I'm sure you'll be hearing from me soon.

Tag, You're It!

2007-12-01T23:21:00.001-06:00

Jeremy over at Till He Comes tagged me to reveal seven things about myself that not many people know. Let's see what I come up with, shall we?

1. I don't write because I enjoy it, (even though I usually do,) but because I don't really have a choice. If I couldn't write, I would go crazy with all the thoughts bouncing around in my head, and no recognizable organization. I think too much.

2. I am a fantasy junkie. While most of my close friends understand, as well as reciprocate my love of the Lord of the Rings, as well as The Chronicles of Narnia, most of them don't realize how far my fascination with LOTR goes. For the adventerous, check out The Plaza, and you'll realize how far my obsession goes. (My IM screename is even elvish, which I hope to become fluent in eventually.)

3. I have read more than 2,000 books in my life, and books that I like I will re-read; repeatedly.

4. While at the moment I am not looking for a relationship, as I have been convinced by God that my focus right now should not be the person I will eventually spend the rest of my life with, I believe that God wants me to meet that person through less than....conventional means. I used to think that my dad was crazy, when I found out he met my stepmom on eHarmony. Let's just say I don't think he's crazy anymore. ;)

5. This one is serious: I was in a severe depression last year, and if it wasn't for the grace of God....I don't even want to know what could have happened. Psalm 40:2 "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

6. I don't like milk. Soymilk, unsweetenedis my drink of choice.

7. I LOVE hockey. I am usually the second loudest person at my brother's hockey games. (My mother is the loudest. Goodness can she whistle.)

So there you go.

I am tagging:

Brian at Only Look To Christ
Faith at The Night Writer
Ben at Hammerswing75

That's all I have time for tonight. I have been mulling over the subject of grief a lot lately, as a situation that I went through earlier in the year has been on my mind. I'll write more about that tomorrow. (And even though the subject will be grief, I hope the post itself will be encouraging, as it is only because of God's love and strength that my grief did not pull me down again into the pit.)

My Heavenly Father: The Ancient of Days

2007-11-26T22:10:00.000-06:00

I thought I was going to have time today to write a new post, but I've ended up using today to get all the emails that have been piling up in my inbox, so I haven't had time to write about some of the things God has been teaching me. But that's ok, because there are so many things I've been learning, I don't know if I could easily compress them all into one post. God is starting to tie everything together though, and with a little more prayer and meditation and study of the Word, I think I'll be ready to write.

Until then, here's another post that I wrote earlier on my other blog, although compared the last one I posted -which I wrote last June- it's from just last month. It is still very good for me to go back over what it was I wrote then, and I can tell that much of what I wrote wasn't directly from me, as I don't remember writing it. (Not that I don't remember actually sitting down and writing, I don't remember thinking some of the thoughts that I typed.)

This post continues the theme of what I was writing about in June, desiring to know more about my Heavenly Father. I hope it is encouraging.

Originally written October 20, 2007

"I have revealed and saved and proclaimed - I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God. Yes, and from ancient of days I am he." ~ Isaiah 43:12-13

The last few weeks have been weak ones for me spiritually, because I just haven't taken the time I should have to study the Word. It's not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't get myself to do it for some reason every time I tried. Something else always came up, something else was always more appealing, or I just couldn't get into a mind set where I could study anything. I'm not making excuses, for me it's not that hard to get into the mindset needed for Bible study, I just didn't want to do it. I think part of the reason was fear; there is something I knew the LORD wanted to address but I didn't want to know what it was, and a lot of it was guilt; I couldn't get myself to turn to my redeemer because I couldn't handle the love I knew I would see there. No, I'm not sure that's what it was, it's hard to isolate feelings a few days after the fact, but I do know that I'm still dealing with guilt, and also a lot of confusion, and I'm not really sure over what. However, there is one thing I am always sure of, and that is that my Heavenly Father, the Ancient of Days, loves me, and wants to carry my burdens and relieve my anxieties. I know He sees me as victorious in Him, and He does not identify me with my sins and shortcomings, and He doesn't want me to be burdened by guilt because it only prevents me from having a rich, intimate, and fulfilling relationship with Him.

Since I can't exactly isolate at the moment what it is that is causing the almost constant pit in my stomach, let's take some time to review what God has been teaching me about Himself the last few days.

Walking the Christian life, I believe, is completely wrapped up in understanding our Heavenly Father. Only once we are focused on Him, relying on Him completely, can we benefit from His wisdom and understanding. A relationship with God requires us to pay attention to Him, preferrably an almost constant attention. Not that we can't think about anything else, but it should be the thing that fascinates us the most, the thing that when we think about it, peace immediately washes over us like a good memory we forgot to think about and have been looking for without knowing it. My first priority should be my relationship with God, and one of the best ways I can act in that relationship is by learning about Him. Only then, since my God is an omniscient and omnipotent God, can He teach me with His wisdom about myself, so that He can begin to change in me the things that need to be changed. So that He can mold me into the women He wants me to be. I need to remember that no matter what in my life is going wrong, no matter how badly my feelings get hurt or how confused I get, nothing is worth neglecting even for a moment my relationship with God, because it is the only thing that can and will bring perfect peace and joy.

A few days ago I read a chapter in Beth Moore's book "Breaking Free," titled "The Ancient of Days." The way Moore described God in this chapter, and in the next, titled "Straight to the Heart," completely overwhelmed me, as I was hit with the enormity of how much God does for me, of just how much He loves me. Moore opens the first chapter with this statement: "Just as God's primary agenda is redemption, Satan's primary agenda is to blind people to the Redeemer. But once we are redeemed, our completion becomes God's primary agenda." My "completion" is the top thing on God's to-do list. Just like all the verses that exhort the believer to become perfect, or mature, complete, God is calling me to Him, not so He can conform me into a robot that lives just to do his bidding, but to mold me into someone who is complete and fulfilled and desires nothing more than to serve Him, for the purpose of my own happiness! Only this situation is one that offers complete freedom. Any other program is from Satan and a lie and will ultimately trap the believer in a bondage they don't need to be in. Satan is a formidable enemy, but we have the Ancient of Days on our side.

As the Ancient of Days, my God has been there since the beginning, and He has been completely aware and knowledgable of every single thing since. Even though I can't pinpoint what it is that's bothering me at the moment, He was there when it happened, and He knows exactly what it is and exactly what I need to do to relieve my unrest. And He will do everything in His power to give me that peace of mind, as long as I trust that He can do it. I say "everything in His power." Just think about how powerful our God is. He will, and can, do absolutely anything to show us what we need to know, or give us what we need, as long as we are trusting Him completely. I have a friend who was diagnosed last spring with ovarian cancer. She only just turned 20. I was worried for her, and have been praying for her, but I hadn't heard anything about her condition since the diagnosis. Tonight I found out that when she went into surgery a few months ago to have the tumor removed, the surgeon couldn't find it. It was gone. See what I mean about God being able to do anything? (And just to clarify, I don't believe that God will only give help to those who are relying on Him. I know from my own life that He will use anything and everything to turn back to Him those who aren't walking with Him. However, I know that the things He does for those who are already trusting Him are usually a lot nicer to experience than the things He will do to get someone's attention.) Of our Heavenly Father, Moore says He is able to reconstruct anything. "Nothing has ever been allowed to crumble in a Christian's life or heritage that God can't reconstruct and use." It's so comforting to think that my God can use even the ruins from the failings in my life to build up His plan for me. Curses that I brought upon myself, He can use and transform into blessings.

Many of the failings, many of the ruins in my past either caused heartbreak, or were caused by it. So many times I took my eyes off my Savior's face and trusted myself and my own judgement, and so many times I slid into a pit only to be met at the bottom by a broken heart. There were also a few times when heartbreak just came, caused by the actions of others, and those heartbreaks are the ones that hurt the most.

In the chapter after "The Ancient of Days," Moore address how God heals broken hearts. Isaiah wrote through the Spirit in chapter 61 "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted." (vs. 1) The "me" in that verse is not referring to Isaiah. Our Heavenly Father not only loves us and wants to rebuild ruins we have in our lives, He also wants to heal the pain in our hearts, and He sent His Son to "bind up" the wounds we have there. In this chapter, Moore gives the reader an in depth study of the meaning of the Hebrew words in this verse. Focusing on the first active verb in the verse - "sent" - the reader gains insight into how God delivered His Son to us. The Hebrew word is shalack, meaning to shoot [forth.] (Definition taken from Strong's Dictionary.) The Son was "shot forth" to us, like an arrow. Psalm 127:3-4 "sons are a heritage from the LORD, ...... Like arrows in the hands of a warrior." Jesus Christ is not only God's Son, He was the only arrow in God's quiver, an arrow that God aimed straight at our brokenhearts. God sacrificed His only Son for us, because of His great love for us, a love that superceded the love for His Son. I can't help but cry when I think about this, about the sacrifice that God made for us, and the sacrifice His Son made, because They love us so much.

The second word in the verse that Moore focuses on is "broken" from "brokenhearted." The Hebrew word being shavar, which means "to burst, break into pieces, wreck, crush, smash; to rend, tear in pieces (like a wild beast.)" That sounds like a pretty good definition of what it feels like to have your heart broken to me. Keeping that meaning of the word broken in mind, take a look at the last word Moore focuses on, the word for "bind up." Chavash: "to bind on, wrap around; bind up as a wound, bandage, cover, envelope, enclose." And Strong's describes it as "to compress....to stop." According to Moore, based on these definitions, the difference between a aching heart and a broken heart is that a broken heart needs to be compressed, because it is hemorrhaging. Apply this knowlege to the image of Christ. First He was an arrow pointed straight at our wounded hearts, and now He is the hand that presses on our wounds to stop the blood flow and begin the healing process.

When my heart is broken, God doesn't want me to build up walls around my heart in an effort to protect it from being hurt again. First of all, I'm not sure I want to know how weak such a wall is in reality, no matter how strong it feels. Secondly, such a wall doesn't just keep out hurt, it keeps out everything else, including us experiencing God's love for us fully. No matter what, He will never stop loving us, but we can make it harder for ourselves to experience that love, and from giving Him love in return. When we do this, we just become captives again, caught in a fortress that prevents us from not only experiencing God's blessings, but from being used by Him as the tool He needs to build up crumbling walls and ruins. Besides that, this is the God of the Universe I'm talking about. I've already underscored how powerful He is. What on earth makes me think that I could do a better job protecting my heart than He can? He wants to protect my heart from being broken, even though heartbreak is something that unfortunately is inevitable in this sinful world we live in. But He wants to be there with a hand wrapped around my heart anyway, enveloping my heart so completely, so that when it does break, He is already there applying the pressure needed to stop the hemorrhaging. He will not let me suffer any longer than He knows I can handle, and through it all, He will be there by my side, carrying my burden for me, if I can be humble enough to just give it to Him.

The thing or things I've been struggling with the last few weeks are still there, and I'm sure it's going to take more study and prayer on my part to find what it is that's bothering me, but just reviewing again what I've learned about my Heavenly Father has been extremely comforting; it reminds me just how much He loves me, and assures me that He will always be there to take care of me. I don't have to worry about anything, because I know He is in control, no matter what happens.

Movie of the week ~ # 1

2007-11-23T16:05:00.000-06:00

~~Ok, I don't know how to do the thing where you can paste the actual video into the text space, but~~ (Thanks David.) Here is the link to a video of Mark Lowry during his "Be the Miracle" tour. Mark Lowry was the baritone in the Gaither Vocal Band for many years, and is also a Christian comedian. He is hilarious, but at the same time, he always points to Christ. Many people know the song "Mary, Did You Know?", which I'm sure I'll link to sometime closer to Christmas, but he wrote that song. I hope you enjoy this little dialog clip, it's very encouraging.

~~http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QitARqZG6ug~~

Suffering and Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T22:53:00.000-06:00

Fellowship of Suffering ~ A Divine Exchange
by Lori Rauzi

Open my eyes to clearly see; the path

You took of humility.

Aide my ears to every sound;

Your silence cried out when beaten down.

Enhance my taste to every good

that joy in pain You understood.

Train my scent to know the prayer

of tears of blood that broke the snare.

Then full my arms to Thee embrace

as I fellowship in sufferings face to face!

"Consider Him who endured such contradiction of sinners against Himself, lest you be weary and faint in Your mind." ~Hebrews 12:3

Today is Thanksgiving, and I know I have much to be thankful for, but all day I was feeling the seeming irony of the fact that my family is going through so much suffering right now. But then I realized earlier tonight that suffering is something I need to be thankful for as well, along with all the good. Not only because it helps me grow, but because it brings me closer to Christ, as I understand more about who He is and about what He did for me. This understanding is an example of where I suddenly understand something new about a passage I thought I knew well.

Phillipians 3:8-11 "More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death."

The term "fellowship of His sufferings" was something I'd only vaguely understood before, and I know God will continue to teach me more about it in years to come, but I'm so thankful that I have gained a little bit more understanding through the tender whisperings of the Spirit within me. I now realize that the purging the LORD does in my life, and the sufferings I go through in that purging, is directly related to how I become conformed to Him, and to His death. It is yet another revelation regarding who I am in Him, and I marvel over and over again at His grace. No, suffering isn't enjoyable, but my spiritual joy can still remain constant, because if I respond to my Heavenly Father's love while in my suffering, He will then draw me closer, revealing to me more about Himself and what He did for me. Once I completely trust Him and place my suffering in His hands, I will then be able to accept the gift of peace He has waiting for me, because He is then my focus, and not the pain in my heart.

I won't go into the specifics of the sufferings myself and my family have been going through, because that will do nothing to draw me to Christ, or to encourage another believer. The basics of it however are that at the moment I am faced with the fear of losing friendships I have had for years, with people I care deeply about, mainly because of the stand I am taking here as I write, and in my decision to not remain anonymous. However, I know the LORD is using all this for good, no matter the outcome, because already He is drawing me closer to Himself, and proving Himself over and over again trustworthy. I was already convinced of His ability to care for me and provide for my every need, but He is now teaching me how to apply that knowledge in my life, and is showing me how to cling to Him even tighter.

My emotional and spiritual well-being does not depend on the words, actions, or sentiments of any other person. The LORD is my all in all. He is my Rock, my refuge, my fortress, and I am gaining more and more understanding of what Paul meant when he said "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." (Phillipians 4:11)

I have so much to be thankful for. Not because my life is perfect, but because my Father is faithful. My Abba will never leave me or forsake me. He desires me to rest in the fullness of His embrace, and find peace and supernatural joy in my suffering, as I begin to understand His Son in His suffering as we stand face to face.

(The poem at the beginning of this post was written a few weeks ago by a very good friend of my family's, and she shared the poem with us as we celebrated Thanksgiving together today. I had already been thinking a lot about the correlation between thanksgiving and suffering, so when she read the poem, it helped me to see what it is that my Heavenly Father was trying to show me. That suffering is so much more than a means to spiritual growth; it brings me closer to His Son. I thought the poem so beautiful in its simplicity, I wanted to share it here and Lori gave me her permission to share it. I hope it encourages others the way it encouraged me.)

The Father's Love

2007-11-22T00:58:00.000-06:00

Right now I have been studying Psalms 119, and it has been extremely encouraging, but I don't feel ready to write about it yet. I need to the let the LORD do some more searching and revealing within me as I read before I share it with others, because I'm not exactly sure yet what it is He's teaching me through this Psalm. Once I have a better idea I'll feel more ready to write about it. However, I want to be able to post here regularly, so I'm going to copy and paste here something I wrote last summer and had posted on a blog I no longer use, simply because the site was problamatic and I could never get my HTML to work. (Blogspot has been much nicer to me.) I hope it encourages and points towards Christ.

I always find it beneficial to go back and read things I've written in the past, providing they are regarding what it is God was teaching me at the time. (You wouldn't want to see my silly, pointless, diaries from high school though, not much encouragement or edification could be found there.) Remembering where we were at in certain points in our lives is important, as it can give us a wonderful perspective regarding where God has brought us since. At the time I wrote this post, I was just beginning to truly understand how much my Heavenly Father loves me, and it was amazing me to no end. I hope this amazement is something I never lose, because His love is something I will never deserve.

(Originally written on June 13, 2007.)

The LORD is so gracious to me, and I just wish I had learned that this kind of happiness was possible when I first got saved - when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. It saddens me how many Christians there are who don't realize what being a Christian really means. I'm not saying my belief regarding salvation has changed, I still believe that the Bible teaches that someone who has placed their faith in Jesus Christ as their Saviour can never lose their salvation. It is written over and over again in the Bible so many times, and I truly believe that. But I also know that God has something even greater than salvation from Hell prepared for his children, which to me is unfathomable as it is amazing. Something greater than being saved from a Hell we so justly deserve; what can be greater than that, you may ask. But I'm not talking about the home God is preparing for us in Heaven either. Heaven is going to be amazing, better than anything we've ever dreamed. We'll be in the Father's presence after all, but that's the third step. So many people miss how important this time we spend here on earth is. There are - usually - many many years between the time an individual places their faith in Jesus Christ, and the time that God calls that individual home to be with Him. And believe it or not, this time I believe is directly related to Jesus Christ and what He did for us on the cross. I think a reason so many believers miss out on one of God's most wonderous blessings is because they don't fully understand what Christ's purpose was here on earth. Yes, Jesus Christ came to earth to save sinners, there is no disputing that fact. But that's not the only reason He came. He didn't come to protect us from some gavel wielding, flame throwing, angry God. As God Himself, more specifically as God the Son, He came so that we might be introduced to His Father. A Father who has been yearning for fellowship with the human race ever since Adam and Eve disobeyed Him in the garden.

I really want to elaborate more on this subject, but it's 2:06 am at the moment, and I want to be able to think this through thoroughly before I post some of the things that have been going through my mind lately. They are things the Holy Spirit has been teaching me as I read the Word, and I want to be able to quote the verses that have been so instrumental in the changes my life has undergone these last few months. The things I have been learning have been so different from what I've always believed, always been taught. They're not different in regards to what they say, for the most part they are all things that I've heard practically my whole life. But to me they are different because I'm finally beginning to understand my standing in God's eyes. It's so humbling, and so amazingly heart breaking to realize, and I mean truly realize how much God must love me. He went through agony when He turned His back on His only Son - as Jesus hung at Calvary - the sins of all the world pouring onto Him. An agony that He spared Abraham from so many years before.

Isaac, and the love Abraham had for him are a picture to us today of what The Father went through, and what Jesus Christ went through in order to bring us salvation; but not salvation only. The Father and The Son went through that because God truly is a God of Love. How many times have I heard that phrase over the last 15 years? It fills me with sorrow to realize how long it took me to really realize what Their sacrifice meant. But the Lord has been working in me, and I'm finally learing to listen to Him, through the Holy Spirit who dwells inside me. The LORD has shown me how to understand His love, to realize that He and His Son made that sacrifice so that I could have fellowship with them. Fellowship on the spiritual level of what Adam and Eve had as they walked with the LORD in the garden at the very beginning, before sin entered this formerly perfect world. And I don't need to wait until I get to Heaven to have that fellowship! God's offering it to me right now, The Father wants me to have daily, moment by moment, fellowship with Him right now.

A Christian novelist named Michael Phillips was the first one to put this concept into words that made me understand. In a novel of his, one of the main characters states it as having "a father to call Father." That's what our gracious Heavenly Father wants; He wants us to run to Him, to trust Him with everything, to call Him 'Abba'. How much more wonderful could it be? As I said, it's late, (it is now 2:26am,) so I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, if what I'm trying to say is coming out the way I want it to. I of course can't expect these feeble words of mine to compare to the Word of God, only His words can truly speak with His infintessimal inspiration. But I can hope that maybe someone out there, a Christian frustrated with their walk or their trials perhaps, can read this, and through the mercy and power of God can once again realize what a wonderful and loving Father we as Christians truly have. Then hopefully they can turn to the Word with an unsatiable desire to learn about that Father, to reaquaint themselves with that Joy that the LORD can so bountifully provide in us, even through the hardest and most difficult of circumstances.

Besides the Word, there have been several authors who's God given insights into His Word have really helped open my eyes to what it is God has been trying to teach me, what He's been trying to show me as He leads me down this wonderous path called life, leading toward Life Eternal. Besides the afore mentioned Michael Phillips, Andrew Murray, W.A.Tozer, and Beth Moore have been very instrumental. I thank the LORD for their writings, that they trusted, and still trust Him to reveal to them the words He wants them to write down, to help poor, confused believers like myself realize how good He really is. At the moment, I'm doing a study that Beth Moore wrote on the life of King David, called David: A Heart Like His. I've only finished the first of the 90 days of study that she outlined in the book, but already the LORD has been speaking to me and helped me to understand Him a little more.

It makes me wonder how I ever managed to be interested in anything else, how I could have wasted so much time on certain things, when I could have spent the time studying the Word and getting to know my Father better. He is so much more than the dozen or so attributes I memorized in Sunday School. All those attributes are important parts of who He is, and they are all very true, but they are not just letters written around a triangle labeled 'God'. God truly is Love, and everything else I learned, and He is so much more than any one person can realize. Our brains do not have the capacity to understand everything that He is, but I want to devote the rest of my life to finding out as much as I can about The Father, the glorious Creator of the universe, the One who loved me enough to send His only Son to die on a tree.

(At the end of every lesson in Beth Moore's David book, there's a section called "Praying God's Word Today." I'm not sure what exactly she meant by that phrase, but underneath she wrote a little prayer thanking the LORD for what that particular lesson of David's life had taught her. After those few lines, there are many blank ones, as if encouraging the reader to thank the LORD what it was they had learned through studying a bit of the life of the man "after God's own heart." What better way to spend time than to thank the LORD for the truths He has taught you? Below I have typed out what I wrote in the above mentioned section; the words in quotes are what Beth Moore wrote, the end of the quotes is where my own prayer begins.)

"Thank you, Father, for shepherding me with Your pure heart, for guiding me with Your skillful hands (Ps. 78:72), for taking me from the sheepfolds of my life - the many places where I could have so easily been left behind forever - and transforming me day by day into someone with the potential to look more like Jesus, to be useful in Your Kingdom." ~ Yes Heavenly Father, thank you for delivering me so many times in my life. Not only in salvation from the hell I deserve, but also in the way You've protected me and kept me and loved me, even when I had no idea - or was incapable of knowing - that You were there. LORD, there are so many things I've been learning about You lately, things that are so simple, and yet sometimes so hard to understand. Because who are you LORD, if not magnificent? Your ways are not my ways LORD, and sometimes the trials I go through are so hard to understand. But I want to have a heart like David, Father. I want to yearn after You, I want to praise You daily in everything that I do. I want my life to be a testimony to Your greatness, loving Father. Help me to realize daily what a wonderful Father you truly are; 'a father to call Father.' Thank you for sending Your Son, and for giving me the Holy Spirit, both of Whom have worked and continue working to bring me closer to You, over and over again. LORD, give me wisdom. I want to know You and love You and search for You with all of my being. Please give me wisdom to discern what it is in my life that brings me closer to You, and what seperates me and distracts me from whatever it is You have purposed. You have my heart LORD, now please help me to always remember that, and to turn it into a heart worthy of You, a heart like David's, no matter how painful it may turn out to be. In Jesus name, Who sits at Your right hand and prays for me daily, Amen. ~

Another, although much smaller, controversy

2007-11-20T02:05:00.000-06:00

In the spirit of finding truth and love "within the discord," I'm going to write about something tonight that I normally don't write about, but as I just stumbled upon it, and as it is fresh in my mind, I'm going to state my opinion, and hopefully what I say will be honoring to God and will simply point towards Him. I believe I said too much in my first two postings, and I believe I may have distracted from the message I was trying to get across by saying certain things. For that I apologize, and I hope my lapse in judgement didn't cause any believers to stumble or discourage anyone I could have otherwise encouraged. The Lord is showing me more and more how little what I have to say matters, but that I can serve Him best by proclaiming His love, His tender mercies, and the great joy He yearns to fill each and every one of His children with.

For the past year, I have been waiting in nervous anticipation for the movie "The Golden Compass" to come out into theaters, as I read all three of the books last winter and THOROUGHLY enjoyed them. I am a self-professed fantasy geek, and reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and the Chronicles of Narnia series is something I do on a yearly basis.

As the movies depicting two of my favorite books series of all time have come into theaters, and are continuing to come out, I was excited to realize that another, in my opinion, great trilogy was being transfered onto the big screen, although I'm nervous that Hollywood will ruin the books, and destroy my image of them, as their trackrecord of fantasy movies taken from literature isn't the greatest. (Shall I mention Eragon?)

However, as I've waited for the Christmas season to come around, actually bringing with it some decent movies [Prince Caspian, The Golden Compass, Enchanted] that I can take my siblings to without having to worry about nudity and swearing and all the indecency that seems to permeate movies these days, it never even occured to me that a controversy would spring up. Looking back, I guess I'm not surprised now, but I was at first when I heard of the boycott Christians across the country are supporting against The Golden Compass.

Before I go any further, let me explain my full opinion of the books. As I said, I fully enjoyed them; not since being immersed in Tolkien's world for the first time did a story hold me as captivated as did this series by Philip Pullman. I had read other books by him in the past, books with more of a historical fiction twist to them, and the world he spun in my imagination kept my mind reeling at the enormity of what he created on the pages before me. When I finished the second book in the series, I actually threw the book to the floor in frustration as I didn't have the third book yet, and, of course, the story had stopped at a dreadful cliffhanger. (I become very attached to the characters as I read, and when I enjoy a story, my emotions will undoubtably get involved. Call me dramatic if you want, I completely agree with that assessment.)

However, despite my enjoyment of the story, I would not recommend these books for children, Christian children especially. If someone is not firm in their understanding of their belief and what the Bible says about God, the religious subject matter of the book can be disturbing and confusing, doubly so for a child whose mind is still being molded.

In regards to the movies, I don't know how much of the religious material will be put into them, and even so, the first book contains no controversial religious topics other than a counterpart to the Catholic church in the alternate universe the story is set in. As someone who thoroughly disagrees with almost everything the Catholic doctrine teaches, the negative light the church counterpart was painted with didn't bother me at all.

The second two books however introduce the reader to a conspiracy that reaches all the way to heaven, and if taken seriously, is an outright blasphemy to the sovereignty, and omnipotence of God. However, these books, The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife, and The Amber Spyglass are quite obviously fantasy. They are not written to be believed, and even though I understand Phillip Pullman to be an atheist, I don't think even he would claim that anyone, through reading this series, could be persuaded of his beliefs and reject God. The world he spins is so utterly different from not only what the Bible teaches, but from reality as well, I don't see how any person firm in their beliefs could allow a fantasy story to influence their beliefs. Are atheists convinced of the existence of God by reading - and in all probability enjoying - the world that C.S. Lewis created through The Chronicles of Narnia? (I'm not saying it couldn't happen, but I've never heard of it.)

Like I said, I wouldn't recommend these books for children, and if/when I am a parent, they are books I won't suggest, or even let them read, until I know that my children are old enough to discern between reality and fantasy; between what is made up and what is true.

Now that I have stated my opinion, here is what I know about this "controversy" that has sprung up. Having not received one of these emails myself, I am not sure what they say, but I believe they are a petition being spread calling for Christians to boycott the movie The Golden Compass as "God is killed" in the books.

I first learned of this petition and boycott while perusing facebook....yes I have an account there.....and I saw a few friends of mine had joined a group with basically the same premise as the boycott emails. Looking over the group, I knew immediately I didn't agree with the petition and the boycott, for the same reasons I came to disagree with the Christian opposition to the Da Vince Code once I had read the book for myself. I almost closed the group in disgust, but I saw a posted item in the group titled "Beware of this MOVIE? Part II." The link led me to this blog: http://apostlepd.wordpress.com/category/advanced-stuff/, which is also linked over the left in the "Who I Read" column. (Thoughts on Spirituality.) I think the person who wrote this article had some very good points regarding what the REAL issue for Christians should be, and I started to write a comment to the post, which ended up being extremely long, so I decided to cut it short and transfer my thoughts over here, where I won't take up a bunch of space on someone elses turf. (I have to admit, it's very liberating to not have to apologize about how much I write.)

Basically, I agree with this persons assessment, that just like movies such as The Da Vinci Code and The Passion of the Christ, they are not something that Christians should band together against and spend energy fighting, as that will just entice more people to see what all the fuss is about, thereby nullifying the boycotts, and does absolutely nothing to further the message of the gospel. As my brother in Christ said, why not use this as an oppurtunity to talk to others about why we believe what we believe, and show them the love of Christ flowing through us? How does attacking something man-made and when compared to God, powerless, show the world that we are different? That we have something they don't have? That maybe that something is worth learning about? If all we do is stamp our feet, run picket lines in cyber-space, and speak out in anger and outrage against something that we have ultimately no power to change, how does that show the unbeliever the gracious and loving spirit of Christ?

Another problem I have with the spirit behind a boycott of this sort, is that is something that speaks of faith in ones own abilities to "fight the devil," rather than letting the LORD do the fighting. The Holy Spirit is inside, just waiting for us to surrender to His control, so that He can produce His fruit in us, and taking something that could be evil - a potentially "anti-God" message from a popular movie - into something good - an opportunity to explain to people, in love why we disagree with the message, if it is something we disagree with. Or even better, an opportunity to explain to someone what we do believe, and through a gentle spirit, a good testimony, and faith in the Word of God, point people to God, His truth, and His wonderful plan of salvation.

Flesh vs. Spirit

2007-11-16T00:46:00.000-06:00

(To prevent misunderstanding and discord: What I have to say here is based upon my own experiences under the teaching of Dennis Rokser, and in no way am I saying that every person under his teaching perceived things the same way I did. I pray that that is not the case. However, I do know that I am not alone in my perceptions.)

Galatians 6:8 "For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life."

In starting this blog, I think it is important that those reading it know where it is that I stand, and where it is I'm coming from.

That being said, I have been turning over and over in my mind lately a disturbing similarity between the teachings of traditional Calvinism, and the teachings of Dennis Rokser when he uses the phrases "in fellowship" and "out of fellowship" in relation to the Christian life.

My biggest problem with the theology of Calvanism, as well as the way Dennis Rokser presents walking the Christian life, (even though one is focused on salvation and the other on the life of the person already redeemed,) is that both systems make the acts, thoughts, and purposes of the imperfect human their focus.

My conclusion to this sad fact? It is inevitable that people - who in following these teachings completely focus on themselves and their flesh - will become discouraged. The Calvinist will be continually faced with his or her own shortcomings, and face the fear that someday they could fall completely into sin and realize they were never saved in the first place. For the believer following a formula based on the struggle to be "in fellowship" verses "out of fellowship," they too are always focusing on their own sins and shortcomings, being impressed upon by the fact that they can never truly measure up to what it is that God wants. And the minute they feel that maybe they are "in fellowship," immeasurable guilt washes over them, because they recognize the pride they felt in "finally doing God's will."

What is the solution, to both of these problems? Turning one's eyes away from our own imperfection, and placing our focus fully on the Person and complete work of Jesus Christ. That is how someone truly realizes that they have eternal life in their salvation, as Jesus Christ cannot do any job half way and then call it finished. As a loving God, who promised Abraham, and David, and every one of their descendants, that their seeds would live forever, (and as believers, we are now included in that seed,) He could not orchestrate a perfect plan for salvation that did not offer complete, and eternal salvation without leaving His promise unfulfilled, and thereby contradicting His character as a God of ultimate truth.

And what of the believer, who is constantly struggling to match the terms they think God has pressed upon them? By looking onto Jesus both the "author" and "finisher" of their faith, they turn their eyes away from their own flesh, and let God do the battling. What strength do we have in ourselves? So many Christians make the Christian life so much more complicated than it has to be. This truth doesn't make the Christian life any "easier," I am not offering a formula to an effortless walk, but it gives the believer the opportunity to be filled with God's perfect joy as they simply trust the LORD to work through them.

What so many people don't realize, is that the very first thing God wants from His children is to have a relationship with them. That is why the human race was created in the first place, and God was cheated out of 4,000 years of fellowship with the people He created and loved, with the exception of a very few. Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Moses, King David, Isaiah. All these men knew the LORD, and fellowshipped with Him intimately, and God revealed to them His will. And in response to this fellowship, God then gave them wisdom and understanding of who He is, as well as the strength to carry out His will in their lives. The day of Pentacost brought the Holy Spirit to all the brethren in Christ, making it possible for God to enjoy a relationship with every single one of His children, and they with Him.

Here is the point: once a relationship is established between the Heavenly Father and His beloved child, only then can the child live by faith, walking with her Shepherd, the one who gave up His own life to ransom her soul.

And there is no longer a need for her own weaknesses to be her focus, because they are not God's focus. His focus is the same on every child. He sees them as He sees Christ. As Galatians 2:20 says, "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." This verse is not just a prescription for doing the will of God, ("I live by faith in the Son of God,") but proof of our identity in Christ. When God looks at us, He does not see our flesh. He sees His Son, Jesus Christ.

No, God does not want us to completely ignore our weaknesses and sins, confession of when we do fail is vital to continuing in God's will, (1 Peter 1:9,) but He does not desire us to live in a spirit of guilt and self-deprication because of our failure to do His will. And attitude such as this is not only one that denies the complete work of the cross, (as Christ came not just to save sinners, but to bring us into a living, moment by moment relationship with His Father,) but also undermines the power of the Holy Spirit within us, and ultimately is a walk of sight, not of faith. If we are walking focusing our own human eyes on our flesh, and the results thereof, there is no way we can walk by faith, trusting the Spirit within us to work God's will in our lives. That is how the fruits of the spirit are produced in a believers life, through complete focus, trust, and satisfaction in the COMPLETE work of Jesus Christ on the cross. Our acknowledgement of what His death and resurrection will bring us in eternity is what stamps us as God's children. Our acknowledgement of that Stamp, the Holy Spirit, (Ephesians 1:13 "In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation -- having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise,") and acknowledgement that Christ did so much more than to pay our sin debt is what brings us into a relationship with God.

For years, I focused on myself, constantly wondering if I was "in fellowship" or "out of fellowship." I wonder if the believers under Rokser's teaching know that these phrases are never found in the Bible? Because logically, a person is never "out of fellowship." We're either communing with the Holy Spirit, or we're communing with the flesh. There is no inbetween. Walking in the Spirit and doing God's will has nothing to do with one's own performance, but with one's relational status, whether or not the believer is enjoying intimate, moment by moment fellowship with their Heavenly Father. This may seem very daunting, but it is very simple. All that is required is absolute and complete surrender of our own strength, and trusting the Holy Spirit completely that He is capable of bringing us the desire, the ability, and the power to grow closer and closer to God every day. That is the Christian life. Becoming as much like Christ as possible. Not in what He did, but in what He knew. He knew His Father, and the more we know Him, the easier it will be to understand Him, know what He wants in our lives, and the more strength we'll have to do it. Not because we are "overcoming" our flesh, but because the Holy Spirit does it for us. If we had to overcome our flesh, we would have to be focused on it. God simply demands that we completely ignore our flesh by focusing on Him, because the more attention we give it, the more power it will have over us.

"Let all that you do be done in love." 1 Corinthians 16:14

2007-11-13T01:46:00.000-06:00

If you are reading this, welcome!

This blog is something that I hope can shed a new light on a situation that has broken out in certain parts of the Christian community, something that I like to call "The Free Grace Controversy."

This controversy is something I have been studying and following for the past few weeks, and I am now feeling ready to start publishing my ideas and opinions regarding the subject.

At the heart of this conflict between brothers and sisters in Christ is something that is being referred to as "the Crossless Gospel." On one side, and what is generally seen as the offensive, are Dennis Rokser of Duluth Bible Church, Tom Stegall of Word of Grace Bible Church in Milwakee, and another man named Lou Martunaec, who at the moment, I do not know all that much about. The message these three men are attacking is one supported by several people who have blogs here on blogspot, (such as freegracer and crossless,) and I believe, also supported by teachers such as Zane Hodges and Charlie Bing.

Before I go any further, let me state that I grew up in Duluth Bible Church, under the teachings of Dennis Rokser. For years, as I attended this church, I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday, memorized hundreds of Bible verses, and was as involved as any person who loves church would be. Unfortunately, just because I loved church, doesn't mean I had a relationship with my Heavenly Father. Yes, I knew I was saved, as I had accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior at a very early age, but I had no working understanding of what having a relationship with God really means. I would constantly be telling people, when they described me as religious, "I'm not relgious, I'm a Christian, that means I have a relationship with God." I believed that with all my heart. But I didn't realize that those people were right. Despite my faith in Jesus Christ as my Savior, ultimately, all I was doing was following a system, trusting that if I did everything right in the system, then that meant I had a relationship with God. (That system meant going to church to hear the Word of God on a regular basis, obeying my parents, confessing my sins whenever I was "out of fellowship," and for me this was a constant struggle to stay "in fellowship.")

Over the past year however, I have come to understand what a relationship with God really means. It has nothing to do with my church attendance, or with how many verses I memorize, or with how often I read my Bible, if I'm just reading my Bible because I know I have to. For almost 15 years I sat in the blue chairs in DBC's auditorium, listening and taking the best notes I could as I listened to the Word being preached. And yes, the Word was preached, but my focus was always intellectual; making sure I had all the blanks filled in correctly, making sure I found every verse as we turned to it as quickly as possible, never questioning anything that came over the pulpit. Not that I was taught a litany of false doctrines, much of what I heard I still believe and stand on firmly, however I was never encouraged to study the Word on my own.

I do remember hearing Dennis say, more than once, "If you're not sure about what I'm teaching, read the Bible for yourself, it's right there." So yes, we were told to check what he said against the Scriptures for ourselves, but always with the connotation that whatever we found would support what he was teaching. His verse by verse teaching method made it extremely easy to just accept what ever was said, because he always supported it with a verse.

Let me clarify by saying that I don't think this method of teaching is necessarily wrong, but the fact that I was never taught to listen to the Holy Spirit within me compounded with this teaching method created in me a spirit of complacency. I never felt the need to study the Word on my own, because I thought I was being taught everything I needed to know in church. (Please note, I saw, and still see, reading the Word as very different from studying it.) I read my Bible on a regular basis, as I knew that was part of what I needed to do in order to be "in fellowship" with God. But I never realized that the reason I have the Holy Spirit, is so that He can guide me. Which includes giving me insight and understanding when I read God's Word.

It's getting late, so I'm going to stop this here, but let me state my main purpose of this blog. I am no longer a member of Duluth Bible Church, and I do not agree with their stand on this issue centered around the so-called "Crossless Gospel." While I do not completely agree with everything the people they are opposing believe either, I neither support nor agree with the way Rokser, Stegall, and apparantly, Martunaec, have been attacking them in order to defend their positions. Yes, they believe they are defending the Gospel, but by doing so, they are sowing discord among the brethren, simply because they haven't taken a good enough look at what it is they are opposing.

But to me, even that isn't the main issue. The main issue is that, on both sides, people have risen up on the offensive and defensive, attacking other brothers and sisters in Christ, and not only causing discord and distress, but causing stumbling blocks for those they could be giving a good testimony to instead. While the message we teach and stand on is important, nothing proves Jesus Christ's work, and the Holy Spirit's presence in our hearts more than our testimonies.

I hope to point people to their commonalities in Christ through this blog, and hopefully show how the discord is as much a problem as the issue itself. Yes, by all means, stand up for what you believe in. But for the sake of our Savior Jesus Christ, and our Heavenly Father who abounds in grace and mercy, do so in love. We, as brothers and sisters in Christ all have the Holy Spirit dwelling within us; that is our commonality, and no disagreement should come between our ability to fellowship together around who we are in Christ: God's children.